All quotes from the hit show "Seinfeld"
S01E01 - The Seinfeld Chronicles (Quotes)
George: Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"?
Jerry: Yeah, but...
George: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
George: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman.
George: Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried?
Jerry: No, no, no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.
George: You're gonna over dry it.
Jerry: You, you can't over dry.
George: Why not?
Jerry: Same as you can't over wet. You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over die, you can't over dry.
Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I... I... I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little... everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.
George: What, it was purple, I liked it. I don't actually recall considering the button!
Jerry: Oh you don't recall?
George: Uh no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well senator I'd just like to know what you knew and when you knew it.
S01E02 - The Stake Out (Quotes)
Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?
Jerry: Oh, I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly.
Vanessa: How masculine.
Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves. I don't want to expose my tattoos.
Jerry: What's that one?
Elaine: "Cocoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there...
Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she's probably screaming at those aliens, "I gotta have a Lo Mein!"
Jerry: (opening bit) I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these... is this of any value at all?
Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
(Jerry picks up the dictionary.)
Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry: I am challenging.
Kramer: Quone. To quone something.
(Jerry looks up the word.)
Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore.
Morty: Quone's not a word.
Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Helen: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.
Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or let's say,especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, "Look, a rabbit". The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card".
"Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night? Okay?"
S01E03 - The Robbery (Quotes)
Jerry: So I move into the center lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and... (Jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) "Look at that toe, buddy." (He puts his foot down.) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it?
Jerry: You could take it? You want it?
George: No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.
Jerry: So you do want it.
George: No I, I want it if you don't want it!
Jerry: You just said, you wanted it!
Elaine: She just got some part in some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing: (breathless singing) "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". (stops singing) She's gonna get it right in her...
Elaine: Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden.
George: A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!
Jerry: Would I have to get a gardener?
Elaine: Yeah, you can get a gardener.
Jerry: You tip him?
Policeman: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer is that 'bout it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of someone out there returning my calls.
Kramer: Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tea. If I don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the police.
Jerry: OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW!
Kramer: Yeah! (runs off)
Elaine: You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here.
Elaine: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.
S01E04 - Male Unbonding (Quotes)
George: She calls me up at my office, she says, 'We have to talk.'
Jerry: Uch, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or 'Whose bra is this?'
Jerry: (to Joel) It's not you, it's me!
Elaine: Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?
Elaine: I don't care. I'm not hungry.
Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Elaine: What are we gonna do there, talk?
Jerry: We can talk.
Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Jerry: Then we'll just sit there.
George: Can you change this (penny jug) into bills?
Bank Teller: I'm sorry sir, we can't do that.
George: Look, they did this for me before!
Bank Teller: Look, I can give you these (penny rolls) and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll 6,000 of these?! What should I quit my job?!
Jerry: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please."
Jerry: Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, a Phillips-head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites; they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."
S01E05 - The Stock Tip (Quotes)
Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart anyway? What do they do? Because they're clean? I'm sorry. My uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to 10 so don't give me hygiene.
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed... I'm sure he's got super humor.
Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?
Jerry: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?
Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?
Jerry: I can't find the receipt.
Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.
Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?
Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. Just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.
Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned!
Dry Cleaner: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing --
Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.
S02E01 - The Ex-Girlfriend (Quotes)
Jerry: The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room
Jerry: I'm always in traffic with the lane expert, you know this person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure "is this the best lane for me for my life?". Always a little bit ahead of you; "can I get in over there, can I get ahead of you, can I get in there?". Yeah, come on over here pal, we're zooming over here! This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.
George: It was like I was making a prison break. You know... and I'm... I'm heading for the wall... and I trip and I twist my ankle... and they throw that light on you. So, somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard towers. (Mocks a rifle cocking) Son-of-a-bang... son-of-a-boom! I get to the top of the wall -- the front door. I open it up, I'm one-foot away, I take one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped.
George: I had nothing to do with any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it, I knew it would only get me in deeper, but they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cusin.. this is my bruther.. this is my father..." It's like I'm in quicksand!
S02E02 - The Pony Remark (Quotes)
Jerry: I hate anybody who had a pony growing up.
Manya: I had a pony!
Jerry: Well, I didn't mean a pony per se...
Manya: When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony. So, what's wrong with that?
Jerry: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just expressing...
Helen: Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee?
Manya: He was a beautiful pony. And I loved him!
Jerry: Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person who had a pony?
Manya: You! You said so!
George: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
(George, Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a table. Jerry and George are wearing baseball uniforms.)
George: Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of.
Jerry: It's never happened to me before.
Elaine: I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?"
Jerry: I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
(George consults his stat sheet of the game)
George: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
Jerry: I thought there were two outs.
Elaine: I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
Jerry: It was the single worst moment of my life.
George: What about Sharon Besser?
Jerry: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen seventy three.
Elaine: Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it?
Jerry: Wonder about what?
Elaine: You know... (looking up) the spirit world.
Jerry: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
Elaine: I never saw anyone play like that.
Jerry: But I went to the funeral.
Elaine: Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her.
George: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
Jerry: Don't you think she would've heard I was there?
George: Not necessarily.
Jerry: Who figures an immigrant's gonna have a pony?
Jerry: I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.
Morty: I don't know her either. She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong?
S02E03 - The Jacket (Quotes)
George: And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not gonna ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores George's questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars? You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket? All right, fine. (George heads for the door) I'm walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent) Oh, ho! All right! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand.
Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"
S02E04 - The Phone Message (Quotes)
Jerry: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me; I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone
S02E05 - The Apartment (Quotes)
Jerry: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, 'Gee, you look pregnant... are ya?' 'Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!'
Jerry: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It just coming in and coming in. Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control... That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They came over Friday nights, Klingon boxing, gotta be there.
Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me.
Jerry: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage!
George: Of course, we all do.
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne: (Yelling out the window) You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
George: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
Jerry: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.
George: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.
Harold: It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there for a month.
Jerry: She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?
Harold: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't have a wig on... It was horrifying.
S02E06 - The Statue (Quotes)
George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
Jerry: My mother. (chuckling) She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.
Rava: My mother left us when I was six years old--all seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.
Jerry: My mom's down in Florida.
Kramer: (shouting) And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning! Any more of this criminal activity and you'll be sorry! You got me?
Ray: Got you? I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
Kramer: (slightly nervous) Good, good. Let's, uh, keep it that way.
Jerry: (to Rava) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight.
Elaine: Oh, probably caught in traffic.
Rava: Or maybe he's dead.
Jerry: So what do you write, children's books?
Ray: Greetings, greetings and salutations! I beg your forgiveness, my tardiness was unavoidable. And you must be Jerry, Lord of the manor. My Liege, a pleasure to serve you. Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in the heaven upon your safe arrival, Sire.
S02E07 - The Revenge (Quotes)
Jerry: (about the laundromat's "Not Responsible For Items Lost Or Stolen" sign) Oh, I see, so you put up a sign and you can steal whatever you want. You're not a part of society.
Laundromat Owner: That's right, cause this is my country, I'm the president, and that's my constitution: "I'm not responsible."
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies... what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.
George: What about like an announcer? Like a color man? You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game?
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: So? What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and, ya know, people in broadcasting.
George: That's really not fair.
Elaine: So I'm going to a nudist colony next week.
Rick: Nudist colony?
Elaine: Oh yeah, yeah I love nudist colonies they help me unwind. Bleh.
Rick: I've never been to one.
Elaine: Oh really you should go their great! Except when there over it's hard to get used to clothes, so sometimes when I'm in my office I just sit there naked.
Elaine: Oh yeah I usually sit around naked a couple hours a day. I cook naked, I clean naked, I drive naked, naked, naked, naked!
Rick: Who are you!?
Elaine: Trust me mister you don't wanna know.
S02E08 - The Heart Attack (Quotes)
Tor: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.
Jerry: And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
George: I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a nice, medium orgasm.
Jerry: I never had a really good pickle.
George: It's all over for me. In fact...let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
Jerry: Well, uh...What? Kinda like this?
George (muffled) What are you doing?! What are you, crazy?!
Jerry: Elaine! What are you doing here?
S02E09 - The Deal (Quotes)
Jerry: Sometimes when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that and I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Elaine: What was that look?
Jerry: What look?
Elaine: The look you just gave me.
Jerry: I gave a look?
Jerry: What kind of look?
Elaine: I know that look.
Jerry: Then what was it?
Elaine: Why should I tell you?
Jerry: Well, you're the big look expert. I want to see how smart you are.
Elaine: Trust me, I know the look.
George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.
S02E10 - The Baby Shower (Quotes)
George: Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George: I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.
S02E11 - The Chinese Restaurant (Quotes)
(After the restaurant owner makes George miss Tatiana's phone call.)
George: She called. He yelled 'Cartwright'. I missed her.
Jerry: Who's Cartwright?
George: (pause)...I'm Cartwright.
Jerry: You're not Cartwright.
George: OF COURSE I'M NOT CARTWRIGHT!
Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat. You go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before. They put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure... and now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
Elaine: I feel like just walking over to a table and taking food off of someone's plate.
Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's $50 in it for you if you do it.
George: $50? For $50, I'll put my face in their soup and blow!
S02E12 - The Busboy (Quotes)
Elaine: I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there. And then, I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this... I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
Jerry: Anywhere in the city?
George: Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.
Jerry: Okay... Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
George: Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key.
Jerry: Alright... Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
George: (Scoffs) Are you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.
Kramer: Cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later. You never know. They've got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you've gotta worry about.
S03E01 - The Note (Quotes)
George: One of those kids called me a "Mary."
Elaine: A what?
George: I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. They called me a "Mary." So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
Raymond: (massaging George's hamstring) How did you do this?
George: (VERY tense) Do what?
Raymond: How did you hurt your hamstring?
George: (quickly) I dunno...
Raymond: You don't know?
George: I dunno...
Raymond: Okay, where did this happen?
George: (Quickly again) Korea.
Raymond: You hurt yourself in Korea?
George: I dunno.
George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle.
Elaine: Of what? Oh.
George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"
Pam: I hope you're both happy.
Jerry: I'm not happy.
George: Me neither. I've never been happy.
Jerry: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now.
George: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
Jerry: Yeah, college was fun.
S03E02 - The Truth (Quotes)
Elaine: What did you think, that would impress me?
Jerry: You got it all wrong! I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans!
Elaine: Like you give this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Jerry: Those brave Krakatoans... East of Java! Who sacrificed so much for so long!
Elaine: You're extremely...careful...with money.
George: I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't
believe this. How could you say that to me?
Elaine: You asked me to!
George: You should have lied!
Elaine: HUH, so should you.
George: I mean I'm not really working right now.
Elaine: I know.
George: When I was working I SPENT baby!
Jerry: Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars.
George: The truth? You want the truth? It is your earrings! It is the chopsticks, but it's so much more! You're pretentious! You call everyone by their full name! You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel", you went "Samuelle!" Papie-ay mach-ay? What is papie-ay mach-ay?
Jerry: Completely naked?
Kramer: Completely naked.
Elaine: Jerrry, How can I go on?
Kramer: Alright. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better, you can see me naked.
Elaine: No thank you!
Kramer: No, I want you to see me naked.
Elaine: No, no, no!
Kramer: No, I want to show you.
George: They give you those word association tests. I love those.
Jerry: That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
S03E03 - The Pen (Quotes)
Jack: Come on, take the pen!
Jerry: I can't take it.
Jack: Do me a personal favor!
Jerry: No, I'm not...
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: I cannot take it!
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: Are you sure?
Jack: Positive! Take the pen!
Jerry: Okay. Thank you very much.
Jerry: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?
Helen: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do?
Jerry: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket.
Helen: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom.
Elaine: I can't take your bedroom.
Helen: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.
Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed.
Helen: We don't even sleep.
Jerry: (to his parents) What is going on in this community? Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?!
Jack: Do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?
Morty: You said you didn't want it!
Jack: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!
Morty: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?
Jack: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!
Morty: Ahh! So you got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it!
S03E04 - The Dog (Quotes)
Jerry: (doing stand-up) I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?
Kramer: (on breaking up with his girlfriend) Oh yeah! The sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether or not you're gonna hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. Boy, I'd like to get it on video. Watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it!
Kramer: (to Ellen) I must've been out of my mind! Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? I wouldn't respect myself.
Jerry: Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
George: Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?
Jerry: I don't know, regular human time?
George: Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?
Jerry: Why shouldn't I go here?
Elaine: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.
George: And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
Jerry: Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!
S03E05 - The Library (Quotes)
Mr. Bookman: Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better?
George: So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me George Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library ,a grown man, getting a wedgie.
Elaine: At least it wasn't atomic.
George: It was.
George: Listen, just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?
Jerry: It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
Mr. Bookman: I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
S03E06 - The Parking Garage (Quotes)
Jerry: You know, I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.
Jerry: The problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differeriate between levels. They put up different colors, different numbers, different letters. What they need to do is name the levels, like, "Your mother's a whore." You would remember that.
George: What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually?
Kramer: Does that bother you?
George: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
Kramer: Not at all.
George: You see, now, that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, because it's people like you who live to be 120 because you're not bothered by it.
Jerry: Why do I always have the feeling everyone's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoon?
Elaine: This is what people do.
Jerry: No they don't. They're out on picnics, cooking burgers, making out on blankets. Not in some mall in Jersey helping their friends find the world's cheapest air conditioner.
S03E07 - The Cafe (Quotes)
George: Oh, hello, professor.
Elaine: George, I cannot believe...
Elaine: No, there has got be a mistake.
George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
Jerry: But an 85?
Kramer: Hey, do me a favor...Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.
Jerry: Of course, I always do.
Kramer: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.
Elaine: Just give it back to him.
Kramer: Oh, he'll have to kill me.
Elaine: Why do you keep watching?
Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though you know he's not gonna make it you, you kinda root for him for a second.
Elaine: Then you flush!
Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
Monica: Where did you get the coffee?
George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store.
Monica: How did you get there?
George: I walked.
Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.
George: I climbed out the window.
Monica: You climbed out the window?
George: Of course.
Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?
George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.
Monica: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.
Elaine: (to George) Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...whatever his name was, and Kramer, I couldn't concentrate.
Jerry: (swaying around mockingly) It was a maaaad-house!
Elaine: Jerry, it was!
Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean, isn't there a statue of limitations on that?
Jerry: Statute of limitations, it's not a statue!
Kramer: No, it's statue!
Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations!
Kramer: Elaine. Elaine! Now you're smart. Is it statute or statue of limitations?
Kramer: Well, I really think you're wrong!
S03E08 - The Tape (Quotes)
Kramer: Spector gave it to me. He's giving everything away... becoming a minimalist.
George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?
George: This is like a Penthouse letter. Why can't I meet women like this?
S03E09 - The Nose Job (Quotes)
George: Where'd you meet her?
Jerry: I met her on an elevator.
George: On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
Jerry: Impossible, right?
George: You got less than 60 seconds. It's like dismantling a time bomb.
Landlord: (on Babs) The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt .45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, 'Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!'
Jerry: It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
Jerry: Then what?
George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.
S03E10 - The Stranded (Quotes)
Jerry: Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office.
Elaine: Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now?
Jerry: Uh, no, he's taking the car.
Elaine: Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: You don't know?
Jerry: Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
Elaine: Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car?
Jerry: There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code!
George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back.
Party Guest: So what do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Party Guest: Are you? Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material?
Jerry: I hear a voice.
Party Guest: What kind of voice?
Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
Party Guest: How come you keep tapping your head?
Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.
Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.
Elaine: How old are you?
George: Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day.
George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it!
Jerry: How do you account for this?
George: Maybe a safe fell on her head.
S03E11 - The Alternate Side (Quotes)
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Assistant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here, that's why you have the reservation.
Car Rental Assistant: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to TAKE the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Jerry: (Closing monologue) I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.
Jerry: (Opening monologue) Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me? I would like a car alarm like that.
Jerry: That's my car!
Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Car thief: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Car thief: Hmmm, nah. I'm gonna keep it.
Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Elaine: Hmm... how's the pasta over there?
S03E12 - The Red Dot (Quotes)
Mr. Lippman: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired.
Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. H-E-double N-I...
Jerry: Kramer! Yah, that'll do.
S03E13 - The Subway (Quotes)
Woman: I started riding these trains in the '40s. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Woman: What's ironic?
Elaine: This -- that we've come all this way, we've made all this progress, but, you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?
S03E14 - The Pez Dispenser (Quotes)
Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.
S03E15 - The Suicide (Quotes)
George: So how was it?
Kramer: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life. They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
Jerry: Whoa. (hits George)
Kramer: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
Jerry: Wow! (hits George)
Kramer: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
Jerry: Oh! hits George)
Kramer: We played Backgammon in the nude.
Jerry: Oh! (hits George)
Kramer: She's a sweet kid.
Jerry: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models! (hits George)
Kramer: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
George: Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish.
Kramer: Did you hear about Martin?
Jerry: Yeah, I heard.
Kramer: I can't believe he's in a coma. He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
Gina: Come on.
Jerry: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
Gina: We don't have enough time.
Jerry: It'll take two seconds.
Gina: There is no time.
Jerry: We don't have two seconds?
Gina: All right. Go ahead.
Jerry: Nah, forget it.
Gina: No, go ahead.
Jerry: Nah. I'll just wear the pajamas.
Gina: Will you just get it.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Gina: Forget it. Come on.
Jerry: Nah, I'll go get the robe.
Jerry: Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me.
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Come on, it's just down the hall.
George: Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two bucks.
Jerry: I'll give you 50 cents.
George: There's no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
Gina: Come, you walk me to a cab.
Jerry: Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
Gina: You're still afraid. You are not a man.
Jerry: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
Jerry: The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.
S03E16 - The Fix-Up (Quotes)
Cynthia: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.
Elaine: I hate the good ones.
Cynthia: Is Jerry one of the good ones?
Elaine: That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.
Cynthia: He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the
most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.
Elaine: So, how was it?
Cynthia: How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.
Cynthia: What does he look like?
Elaine: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.
Cynthia: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?
Elaine: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.
Cynthia: He's bald?
Elaine: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.
Cynthia: So he will be bald.
Jerry: Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
Jerry: So, hopelessness is the key?
George: It's my only hope.
S03E17 - The Boyfriend (Part 1) (Quotes)
Jerry (on Keith Hernandez): Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
George: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. What do you have to do to be a buff?
Jerry: So Biff wants to be a buff? Well, sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.
Kramer: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked?
Jerry: Believe me, I didn't see anything.
Kramer: Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?
Jerry: No, did you?
Kramer: Yeah, I snuck a peek.
Kramer: Why not? Hey, what about you George?
George: Yeah, I ... I snuck a peek. But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
Jerry: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.
Newman: June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, "Nice game pretty boy." Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Newman: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.
S03E18 - The Boyfriend (Part 2) (Quotes)
Newman: Wow, it was McDowell.
Jerry: But why? Why McDowell?
Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.
Jerry: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
George: Magellan? You like Magellan?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer. Around the world. Come on. Who do you like?
George: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George: Discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry: Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
Keith: Elaine, you don't know the first thing about first base.
Elaine: Ha, ha. Well, I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there.
Keith: The way I figure it I've already been there, and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock.
Elaine: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in.
Carrie: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayonara.
Carrie: I've been thinkin' about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman.
George: I went to the hardware store interview.
Carrie: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails?
Jerry: That's what death is, really: it's the last big move. The hearse is like the van, the pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you can ask to help you in a move like this, and the casket is that one perfect box you've been looking for your entire life. The only problem is, once you find it, you're in it.
S03E19 - The Limo (Quotes)
Jerry: Excuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?
Chauffeur: To pick up the other members of your party.
George: Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) The other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.
Jerry: It was a bad jig to begin with. We never should've started this jig.
George: It was a good jig.
Jerry: It was a bad jig, a terrible, terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.
George: There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo.
Jerry: First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period.
George: Well, you should've been O'Brien!
Jerry: I don't even wanna be Murphy anymore! Do I still have to be Murphy?
George: Yes, you have to be Murphy!
Jerry: It makes no sense now, me being Murphy!
George: You're Murphy!
Jerry: I'm Seinfeld!
George: YOU'RE MURPHY!
(George is giddy with excitement as he and Jerry are sitting in the back of O'Brien's limo)
George: This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.
Jerry: What for?
George: I dunno, I'm in a limo.
Kramer: (points to Jerry) O'Brien, long time no see. (points to George) How's tricks, Murphy?
Tim: Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?
Jerry: No, he was talking to me. He's cross-eyed.
Elaine: It could be very confusing.
George: Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!
Jerry: Who's gonna be O'Brien?
George: I'll be O'Brien.
Jerry: Who am I?
George: You're you.
Jerry: Just me?
George: You don't wanna be you?
Jerry: Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?
George: Like who?
Jerry: Dylan Murphy.
Jerry: What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?
George: Well, I like Dylan.
Jerry: You could be Colin.
George: Okay, Colin O'Brien.
Jerry: I'm Dylan Murphy.
George: I'm Colin O'Brien.
George: (reading the speech he's been given) ". . . and so the Jews, through their Zionist occupied governments, use the black man to import drugs into our underprivileged, white, minority communities."
Jerry: You're not going to open with that, are you?
George: (on the phone) Yeah, hello, police? Uh, yeah, listen, uh, we're in the back of a limo in Queens-
(Tim re-enters the limo)
George Uh...Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews!(hangs up the phone) Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.
Tim: We'll be ready in a minute.
George: Would you excuse us for a minute, Tim boy, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something.
Tim: With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave.
(George moves and sits down next to Tim)
George: Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me?
Tim: You are.
George: And who is responsible for making hatemongering and fascism popular again?
Tim: You are.
George: Okay? I think you forgot something.
Tim: I'm sorry.
George: Good. Now, get out.
Jerry: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while. O'Brien's not showing up.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: He was in Chicago. Flight was overbooked; they wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.
George: We should take his limo.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
(Jerry begins to walk away, but George suddenly stops him)
George: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line for cabs, it's, like, 45 minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.
Jerry: He's definitely in Chicago.
George: Well, the guy's just standing there.
(Jerry looks at the chauffeur, who checks his watch)
Jerry: How would we do it?
George: We just go up to him and say, "We're O'Brien."
Jerry: Maybe he knows O'Brien.
George: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign.
(George is in front of the news camera as the on-screen graphic says "DONALD O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union").
George: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I repeat, I am not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry! JERRY!
George: I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.
Jerry: Oh, I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk?
George: One mile from the exit, it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown, then it completely stopped dead.
Jerry: So, you have no car?
Jerry: So, what good are you?
S03E20 - The Good Samaritan (Quotes)
George: Oh, my God. I must be crazy. What have I done?
Robin: Oh no, what's wrong?
George: What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery!
Robin: You didn't commit adultery, I did.
George: Oh, yeah.
Robin: If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else.
George: Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of
losers out there.
Robin: Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'.
(Michael to Elaine over the phone)
Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!
Elaine: Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was.
George: Yeah, okay.
Elaine: And I said I hadn't seen her.
Elaine: No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name.
George: He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!
Elaine: He said he was going to sew your @$$ to your face.
S03E21 - The Letter (Quotes)
Jerry: I have to go meet Nina. You want to come to her loft, check out her paintings?
George: I don't get art.
Jerry: There's nothing to get.
George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
Jerry: She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.
Mrs. Armstrong: (on The Kramer) I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love; an innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges.
S03E22 - The Parking Space (Quotes)
George: I really think it looks good.
Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the '20s and '30s, you know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been.
Kramer: Oh, congratulations.
Maryedith: What for?
Kramer: Well, you're pregnant.
Kramer: You're not pregnant?
Maryedith: No, I'm not pregnant!
Kramer: Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Maryedith: Yes, I'm sure!
Kramer: That's weird.
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew.
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew!
(She starts to walk away with Matthew)
Kramer: I thought she was pregnant.
S03E23 - The Keys (Quotes)
(Newman refuses to tell Jerry and George where Kramer is)
Jerry: (to Newman) Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?
(Hits the wall with his fist)
Newman: Help! Help!
Jerry: Where's Kramer?
Elaine: What's going on?
(Newman hides behind Elaine)
Newman: They're gonna beat me up!
George: No we're not.
Jerry: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About they keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
Jerry: Bad rap?
Newman: Yeah, from you.
Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA.
Kramer: Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner, oh, much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you.
Kramer: Oh, I can barely see you, George.
George: Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out.
Kramer: (disgusted) Look at you.
George: Aw, Kramer, don't start.
Kramer: You're wasting you're life.
George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life.
Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
Kramer: You got money?
Kramer: Do you have a woman?
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George: I like to get the Daily News.
S04E01 - The Trip (Part 1) (Quotes)
Kramer: (giving a lecture) My personal acting technique is working with color. Imagining, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you see that all my lines have a special color. So, I don't memorize language, I memorize colors. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue, and you have a full palette of emotions.
Jerry: (seeing George's big pile of luggage) It's a three day trip. Who are you, Diana Ross?
George: I dress based on mood.
Jerry: But you essentially always wear the same thing.
George: Seemingly. But, within that basic framework, there are a number of subtle variations, visible only to the trained observer, that reveal the many moods, the many shades, of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what is this?
George: This is morning mist.
S04E02 - The Trip (Part 2) (Quotes)
Kramer: You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl.
Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George: As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
S04E03 - The Pitch (Quotes)
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.
George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Jerry: What do you need salsa for?
George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have any salsa?" We need more salsa." "Where's the salsa? No salsa?"
George: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. "I wanted seltzer, not salsa!"
Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?! You have the seltzer after the salsa!"
Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC?
George: Yeah, I think we really got something here.
Jerry: What do we got?
George: An idea.
Jerry: What idea?
George: An idea for the show.
Jerry: I still don't know what the idea is.
George: It's about nothing.
George: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.
Jerry: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we got an idea for a show about nothing?
Jerry: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."
George: There you go.
(A moment passes)
Jerry: (nodding) I think you may have something here.
Jerry: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
Newman: Don't say anything.
Jerry: All right.
(Kramer enters the room)
Jerry: Hey, you know you're getting gypped over here.
George: Look, you do all the talking, OK?
Jerry: Relax! Who are they?
George: Yeah, they're not better than me.
Jerry: Of course not.
George: Who are they?
Jerry: They're nobody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: What about you?
George: Why them? Why not me?
Jerry: Why not you?
George: I'm as good as them.
George: You really think so?
George: I can't do this, I can't do this.
George: I can't do this, I can't do it. I've tried, I'm here, it's impossible.
Jerry: Hey, this was your idea.
George: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were gonna listen to me!
(He smacks Jerry's forehead)
Jerry: Don't worry about it. They're just TV executives.
George: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties! They're married, they have secretaries!
Jerry: (to George) I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity. Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know, you really need some help, and a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team, a team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talkin about, 'cause that's the only way you're gonna get better.
S04E04 - The Ticket (Quotes)
George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who's he?
Jerry: He's somebody!
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good, you're not.
George: I'm better than him!
Jerry: You're worse! Much much worse.
Newman: Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker.
George: That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there.
(Kramer answers Jerry's phone and begins speaking Italian)
Jerry: What are you doing? What's wrong with you, what are you doing? Give me that phone. Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today.
(Kramer mutters and leaves)
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi, I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor, he's not quite himself, he got kicked in the head.
(Jerry and George are inside the coffee shop, hiding from Joe Davola)
Jerry: Is he out there? Do you see him?
George: I'm not sure.
Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't.
George: All right, I don't.
Newman: (outside Kramer's door) Come on, are you ready? Let's go.
Kramer: (opens the door, still has shaving cream on his face) For what?
Newman: What's the matter with you? I just spoke to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: About what?
Newman: The courthouse, you gotta go with me too the court house, I'm contesting a ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me, you-you're my alibi, you have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT THAT MEANS!
Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat.
Jerry: (to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.
S04E05 - The Wallet (Quotes)
Helen: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited.
Morty: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
Helen: So why did you say anything?
Jerry: It was a mistake.
Morty: They're good around the house and they're good for outside!
Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Elaine: What did I say?
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.
Jerry: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.
George: Ooooo, I'm scared...Ohooo, they're not gonna do the show.
Jerry: We're lucky they're even interested in the show in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, "Hey, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no ideas, more money"?
George: Ohooo, what are we gonna do? I'm shaking. I'm shaking.
Uncle Leo: I just talked to Dr. Dembrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.
Morty: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should've called the police. They stole my wallet.
Uncle Leo: You know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.
Morty: All right, Leo.
Uncle Leo: And you walked out without paying.
Morty: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.
Uncle Leo: Well, I hope you send him a check.
Morty: What for?
Uncle Leo: What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor.
Morty: That's the second time you said "personal favor." Why do you keep saying that?
Uncle Leo: I said it once.
Morty: Twice! And Dembrow doesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor.
Jerry: (monologue) Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show... You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave! There's no way they're gonna wrap this up in five minutes!" I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm -- Can you come back next week?"
S04E06 - The Watch (Quotes)
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah we've been intimate.
Kramer: And how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer! How is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's going to ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: All right, all right. We do it, uh... five times a week. Okay?
Kramer: Ooooh baby!
S04E07 - The Bubble Boy (Quotes)
Bubble Boy: Okay, "History", this is for the game. How ya doing over there? Not too good!
George: Alright Bubble Boy, let's just play. Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?
Bubble Boy: That's a joke... The Moors.
George: Ohhh no! I'm so sorry it's the Moops! The correct answer is the Moops!
(Talking about George.)
Jerry: Look at him! he's going like a hundred miles an hour!"
Elaine: Yeah but it's not enough for George to go fast, he's gotta make good time.
Jerry: I know. He once made it from West 81st St. All the way to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes, I never heard the end of it!
(George is driving too fast as Jerry is following him)
Jerry: What's he doing? What is his hurry?
Elaine: Well, you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good timing.
Jerry: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. I never heard the end of it.
(Elaine laughs quietly)
Jerry: Look at him.
Susan: So what kind of a bubble, like an igloo?
Jerry: No, that's what I thought. But apparently it's just a big piece of plastic, dividing the room.
George: What kind of plastic do you think it is? Like that dry cleaning plastic?
Jerry: That's no good. He wouldn't last 10 minutes in there!
(Jerry has lost track of George's car)
Jerry: What is he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
Elaine: Isn't that blue car him?
Jerry: No, no that's not him. What happened to him. I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we gonna do?
Elaine: It's no big deal, Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
Jerry: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town.
Elaine: You don't have the directions?
Jerry: No, I was following him.
Elaine: How could you not take the directions?
Jerry: Because HE'S my directions.
S04E08 - The Cheever Letters (Quotes)
Jerry: So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
George: "The panties your mother laid out for you"? What does that mean?
Jerry: I don't know! It just popped out.
George: Well, how did she react?
Jerry: She flipped out! Just left.
George: Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
S04E09 - The Opera (Quotes)
Jerry: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where your pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guy's Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"
Joe Davola: Hello, Jerry. It's Joe Davola. (spits) Sorry, I had a hair on my tongue. But, of course, you should know; you put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you bad-mouthed me to the execs at NBC; put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again.
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
Jerry: Oh, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn't that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Redd Foxx record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!
Jerry: The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That
George: We'll take it.
George: No, are you crazy?
Kramer: Let me handle this.
George: That's $500 that's a great deal.
Kramer: Man, you're blowing it, the guy's a pigeon.
George: This is not a Metallica concert, it's an opera. A little dignity, a little class.
Jerry: (to a police officer) But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not right. What if it was the President of the United States, I bet you'd investigate. Well, so what? What's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States. And I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.
S04E10 - The Virgin (Quotes)
George: She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC, I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman!
Jerry: you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
Elaine: This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, the one thing you gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality. It's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
George: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?
George: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.
(George just found out that Susan was fired)
George: This is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
Jerry: Why did he fire her?
George: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off!
Elaine: Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying.
George: Something happened to the food?!!
S04E11 - The Contest (Quotes)
George: What are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Date with Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin? Any progress there, what's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I've got my troops amassed along the border. I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Jerry: (singing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus...
(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)
Kramer: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on...
Estelle: Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle: Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!
George: I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
Estelle: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
George: Ten minutes! Here, here, (throws a box of Tic-Tacs to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.
George: I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine; I started leafing through it...
(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)
George: So, one thing lead to another...
Jerry: So, what did she do?
George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!"
Jerry: What's the matter?
George: My mother caught me.
Jerry: Caught you? Doing what?
George: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone...
Elaine: You mean..?!
George: (Nods) Uh-huh.
Kramer: (laughing) She caught you?
Estelle: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at 3:00 in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk; I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
S04E12 - The Airport (Quotes)
(After Jerry selfishly takes the lone first-class seat available he confronts Elaine about the issue)
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first-class?
Jerry: All right then. See, you don't know what you're missing. I've flown first-class. I can't go back to coach. I can't, I won't.
Elaine: We flew here coach.
Jerry: Yeah, that's true.
Elaine: Oh, alright. If the plane crashes, everyone in first class is going to die anyway.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
George: You don't understand, there's a blurb about me in this magazine!
Prisoner: A blurb?! You're a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
Guard: All right, let's go.
(George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption "Caught!" written below.)
Tia: This ice cream is really nice.
Jerry: Oh you know what, they've put the fudge at the bottom of the ice cream. That way you can control your fudge distribution as you eat it.
Tia: I never knew a man who knew so much about nothing.
Jerry: Thank you.
Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.
Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.
Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.
Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too.
Tia: It's almost overwhelming.
Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. Because a girl runs like a girl, with the little steps and the arms flailing out. You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
George: But you are, blanche. You are in the shackles!
Prisoner: You son of a... (gets taken away)
George: (happily) Oh, I can't wait to read my Time magazine. Last copy too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow, in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyoouutiful day! Have a nice life, sentence that is! Oh, you miserable...
Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. (to attendant) What is going on?
Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.
Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is that curtain is no security. There really should be a locking door.
Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
Jerry: We'll call him.
Elaine: There's no time.
Jerry: No time? (to ticket lady) Is there time?
Ticket Lady: There's no time.
Jerry: There's no time.
S04E13 - The Pick (Quotes)
Jerry: But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.
Tia: I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators)
Jerry: But there, but there was no pick! I, I did not pick! There was no pick!
Tia: I gotta go. (she quickly walks away from Jerry)
Jerry: No! No pick!
Jerry: What? So what? It's a nipple. A little brown circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them. (lifts up shirt)
Kramer: I got them too. (lifts up shirt also)
Jerry: See? Everybody's got them.
Kramer: THE BEACH!!! (enters the apartment) You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume you're wearing?
Tia: It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.
Kramer: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y'see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.
Jerry: I know look at this (shows an ad from CK)
Kramer: (shocked) Whooo! That's you! What is going on here? The gyp, he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. They're not going to get away with this. (leaves)
Jerry: So, I'm thinking of putting in a tropical fish tank right here.
Tia: Are you sure you're ready for that kind of commitment?
Jerry: Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet.
Tia: That's horrible!
George: (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby, oh, won't you tell her. I love her. Oh, hey...
Jerry: George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
George: Hey! How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.
Elaine: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. (rubs George's head on her breasts) Here's your Christmas card.
George: Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunking a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it.
Susan: I'm not a soft boiled egg.
George: And I am not a piece of toast.
S04E14 - The Movie (Quotes)
S04E15 - The Visa (Quotes)
George: Kramer goes to a Fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass backwards in the money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; now that's a fantasy camp.
George:(to Jerry) Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, a little chin music... put him right on his pants, because I got to intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place! So... I had to plunk him.
Babu: (blaming Jerry for his deportation to Pakistan) I am going to save up every rupee. For someday, I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget it, he haunts me. He is a very bad man, very, very bad man.
Jerry: Well, birthdays are really symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic life, this is who we are to the bitter end, inevitably, irrevocably... happy birthday? No such thing.
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines, and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines, and junk mail, there is no mail.
Jerry: Why don't we just say give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, if they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving.
S04E16 - The Shoes (Quotes)
S04E17 - The Outing (Quotes)
George: (explaining how he and Jerry met) Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.
S04E18 - The Old Man (Quotes)
George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any sense?! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talking about anymore!!?! Wait a second! Where are you going?
Mr. Cantwell: Life's too short to waste on you.
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...
Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.
Ron: Pardon me?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) A piece of crap...
Newman: A piece of crap.
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I find you extremely ugly...
Newman I find you extremely ugly.
Ron: Do you?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) You emit a foul and unpleasant odor...
Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
Ron: Oh, is that right?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I loathe you...
Newman: I loathe you.
George: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry: All right, all right.
Old Lady: What's bothering you? Is it my goiter?
Elaine: Goiter? What goiter?
Old Lady: This football shaped growth jutting out of my neck!
Elaine: Oh, no...it's distinctive; as a matter of fact I wish I had one!
S04E19 - The Implant (Quotes)
(Trying to convince Jerry the man at the health club is Salman Rushdie.)
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind?! He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon he went with bass. He just substituted one fish for another!
(George double-dips a chip, and Timmy rushes over to him after seeing what he did)
Timmy: What are you doing?
Timmy: Did...did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: Double-dipped? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again.
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
Jerry: I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.
S04E20 - The Junior Mint (Quotes)
George: (explaining why he wants to watch a video at Jerry's place) Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.
(Jerry is in his apartment, obliviously relating the day's events to George.)
Jerry: Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!
George: What do you mean "into the patient?"
Jerry: Into the patient, literally!
George: Into the hole?
Jerry: Yes, the hole!
George: Didn't they notice it?
George: How could they not notice it?!
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.
George: W-ca-What did they do?
Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
George: They left the Junior Mint in him?
George: I-I guess it can't hurt him. People eat pounds of those things.
Jerry: Yes, they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
The Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above...
The Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.
S04E21 - The Smelly Car (Quotes)
Susan: You okay?
George: Yeah, yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.
Susan: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman.
George: Oh, please! Me? C'mon? That's great! Are you kidding? I think that's fantastic! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan: I KNOW who I'm talking to.
George: Of course you do...It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never knew, uh, that, uh...
Susan: I liked women.
George: There you go.
Jerry: It still smells.
George: How could it still smell after all that?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Well, what are you gonna do?
Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car.
George: You're selling the car?
Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I'll take anything I can get for it.
George: Maybe I'll buy it.
Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This isn't just an odor! You need a priest to get rid of this thing!
(Elaine comes in)
Elaine: I still smell.
Jerry: You see? You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!
Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: I think it's B.O.
Elaine: It's B.O. The valet must've had B.O.
Jerry: It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Jerry: So, when somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.
George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I did this?
Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy.
George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
Jerry: Oh no, that's ridiculous.
George: What if her experience with me drive ger to it?
Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.
Jerry: So, this morning, I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odor molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a punch in the face, the stench hits me. It's almost as if it had GAINED strength throughout the night.
Susan: (pounding on Kramer's door) Kramer! Kramer!
Jerry: What's that? What's going on?
Susan: Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!
Jerry: What is going on?
Susan: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me! Then, he burns down my father's cabin! And now, he's taken Mona away from me!
(The car has been washed, but Jerry realizes that the smell is still there)
Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!
(Cut to Carl's apartment, where he smells Elaine's hair)
Carl: It still smells.
George: (finding out that his former girlfriend is a lesbian) Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.
Jerry: You've gotta smell the car.
Restaurateur: I'm a busy man.
Jerry: Come on, one whiff.
Restaurateur: Oh, all right, one whiff.
(In the next scene, Jerry and George have the restaurateur locked inside the car, and he realizes that it stinks)
Restaurateur: All right, I give up! I admit it, it stinks! Now, could you let me out?!
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah, you'll pay for the cleaning?
Restaurateur: Yes, $50! I'll give you $50!
Jerry: $50? I don't think that's gonna cover it.
Restaurateur: Whatever you want! I'll give you whatever you want!
Jerry: I want half, 125!
Restaurateur: Yes, yes, 125 is good! Now, would you please just open the door?!
(Jerry opens the door and lets him out)
Kramer: You "stink." Why don't you go take a shower?
Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second. Since I showered, I've been in the car.
Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive!
S04E22 - The Handicap Spot (Quotes)
Jerry: How about this: You put your car in the good spot. That'll hold the good spot in front of the good building and we can get the good car!
George: Good thinking.
Jerry: (shaking George's hand) Good to meet you.
Jerry: We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.
Kramer: No, no. My car's not running.
(George comes out from the bathroom)
Jerry: What about your father's car?
George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighborhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.
Jerry: Hey, what's going on?
Angry Woman: Some jerk parked in the handicap spot, so this woman in a wheel chair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave out, and she rolled backwards into the wall. They had to take her to St. Elizabeth's...
Jerry: Is she okay?
Angry Woman I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. He may not get out alive. Lazy bum! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay?
Jerry: Sons of bitches.
George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
George: What if there's a fire?
Kramer: Now what are the chances of that?
George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?
Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and they're not there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
Elaine: Well, they have to give up sometime, they can't stay out there all night.
Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? I mean, how did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomsticks in her spokes and she went flying.
S04E23 - The Pilot (Part 1) (Quotes)
Jerry: (to George) You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: I give up! I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?
S04E24 - The Pilot (Part 2) (Quotes)
George: Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.
TV Kramer: How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?
Jerry: Did you ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? I think when you name a baby Jeeves; you've pretty much mapped out his future. Not much chance he's gonna be a hitman. "Terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you."
S05E01 - The Mango (Quotes)
George: You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute.
Karen: You think I was faking?
George: Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.
Joe: Whaddaya want me to do?
Kramer: I want restitution
Joe: Oh, you want restitution? How about this? You're banned!
Kramer: You're banning me?
Joe: That's right! Banned!
Kramer: But what am I going to do for fruit?!
George: I don't want any mango.
Kramer: Come on, take some. It's good.
(George tries a piece)
George: Very good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got some terrific fruit.
(George looks a little weird)
George: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!
Kramer: I told you.
(George stands still)
Jerry: What is it?
George: I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
(Elaine enters the apartment)
Elaine: Hi George.
George: I'm back, baby, I'm back!
S05E02 - The Puffy Shirt (Quotes)
S05E03 - The Glasses (Quotes)
Dwayne: Who said anything about a discount?
Kramer: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
Dwayne: For what?
Kramer: (takes out candy bar) Remember this?
Dwayne: What are you doing?
Kramer: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a Ring Ding! And two Butterfingers on the train. Sound familiar?
Elaine: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Kramer: Of what?
Kramer: Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
Elaine: I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid, hipster doofus!
Jerry: (About George's lady's frames) I don't know what to tell you Elton.
George: I'm at the health club, and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
Elaine: You don't have an old pair?
George: I broke 'em playing basketball.
Jerry: He was running from a bee.
S05E04 - The Sniffing Accountant (Quotes)
Jerry: 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'
Kramer: Exclamation point!!
Jerry: 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
Kramer: Double exclamation point!!!
S05E05 - The Bris (Quotes)
Kramer: (about the Bris) Hey, we're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is gonna be his first memory of his parents, just standing there while some stranger cuts off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch!
Mohel: Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all...
(A pan clangs to the ground. The Mohel snaps.)
Mohel: Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack!
Mohel: (to Elaine) Darling, you see where that glass is? You see how that glass is near the edge of the table? You got the whole table there to put the glass; why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table? You breathe and that glass falls over, and then you've got broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag. Broken glass, bits of broken glass you can never get out. You can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you never get all the pieces. And then you think you got it all, and then one day two years later, you're walking barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself! Is that what you want? I don't think that's what you want, is it? Do you? Huh?
Elaine: Did you find the place alright?
Mohel: Did I find it alright? Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't smack me over the head and steal my bag! Because I'll be lying there and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like a mongrel, like an animal! God forbid anybody should help me, or call an ambulance. Oh no, that's too much trouble, to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point?
Mohel: (with increasing tension) Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry? 'Cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control over your child? 'Cause this is the time to exercise it, when the baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!
George: (about the suicide on his car) The guy swan-dives from twenty floors. Had to land right on my roof. I mean, what have I got, a bullseye up there? He couldn't move over two feet?! Land on the sidewalk, it's city property!!!
George: Well, I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth. So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today. Someone is gonna pay for this damage and it's not gonna be me!
Jerry: Ah, you're screwed.
George: I know.
S05E06 - The Lip Reader (Quotes)
George: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me." Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me.
Gwen: All right, George, it's you.
George: You're damn right it's me.
S05E07 - The Non-Fat Yogurt (Quotes)
Elaine: What if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? (twitches arm) Even you can't keep that up.
Jerry: No, I believe he can.
Elaine: Where's your bathroom scale?!
(Jerry rolls his eyes.)
George: "Faking?" What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?
Doctor: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time.
S05E08 - The Barber (Quotes)
Newman: Can I use your bathroom?
Jerry: What's wrong with yours?
Newman: My toilet's clogged.
Jerry: You can't unclog it?
Jerry: Did you ask Kramer?
Newman: He's out.
Jerry: Number one?
Newman: Yes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go very badly.
Jerry: All right. Flush twice.
George: I have an idea.
George: I show up.
Jerry: Whadya mean, you show up?
George: I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back I'm ensconced.
Jerry: Hmmmmm... Not bad.
George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Yeah, so?
S05E09 - The Masseuse (Quotes)
Jerry: (monologue) If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards, right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down.
Elaine: Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?
Jerry: Yeah. Eighteen strangles.
Kramer: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing.
S05E10 - The Cigar Store Indian (Quotes)
George: I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing I had that was chilled.
George: I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination must have just flown out of my head. It's a mental block.
Sylvia: (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath?
George: ...No, that's me.
Jerry: Ya know, I don't get it. I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.
S05E11 - The Conversion (Quotes)
Estelle: Latvian orthodox?! Why are you doing this?!
George: For a woman.
Frank: A woman?! What are you out of your mind?!
Estelle: Why can't you do anything like a normal person?!
Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
S05E12 - The Stall (Quotes)
Jerry: You're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
Jerry: (reacting to Jane's bad experience in the bathroom) Who does she think she is? How dare she! You want me to get the manager? Too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with the flashlights anymore... flush her out.
Kramer: (about Tony) Now I think that you're in love with him.
George: What? That's ridiculous.
Kramer: No, no. I don't think so. You love him.
George: You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either!
S05E13 - The Dinner Party (Quotes)
(The bakery clerk is coughing horribly)
Jerry: Oh, that's lovely. That's what you wanna see, yeah. Yeah, you wanna trade your hair for some phlegm. Yeah, that's a good deal, you win the pennant with that trade. Hair for phlegm.
Elaine: You know, I was just thinking, the four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine.
George: Oh, here we go.
George: Why don't we get them a couch?
(Kramer starts laughing)
George: We'll rent a U-Haul. We'll bring them a nice sectional.
Kramer: Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?!
George: Are you crazy?! What are you doing?! You're gonna get us killed!
George: Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows on top of us.
Kramer: All right, let's go buy something and we'll get some change.
George: I am not buying something just to get change.
Kramer: George, there's a news stand right over there. Now, come on.
Kramer: (on Penthouse Forum) Hey, did you ever read one of these?
George: It's not real. They're all made up.
Kramer: Oh, it's real.
George: (sarcastic) You know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES!!
Jerry: We've got to get the cinnamon.
Elaine: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser babka.
Jerry: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh, this is so good. What's in it?," the answer invariably comes back, cinnamon. Cinnamon, again and again. Lesser babka? I think not.
Jerry: What are we going to do now? If we can't get the babka the whole thing's useless.
Elaine: Well, how about a carrot cake?
Jerry: Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.
Elaine: Black Forest?
Jerry: Black Forest? Too scary. You're in the forest, oohh. How about a Napoleon?
Elaine: Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengele.
Jerry: The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved.
(A man and woman walk toward the double parked car)
George: Oh, hey, hey, hey! That's great! That's very nice! You know, we've been waiting twenty minutes for you people! What do you think, you're Mussolini?!
Man: Back off, Puff Ball, it's not my car!
(Shoving George's shoulder, the man turns and walks away)
George: I wasn't talking to you.
George: And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit of the party. People would be coming up to me, "Just between you and me, I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi." What are we, Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay...
Liquor Store Clerk: (sounding annoyed) Can I help you guys with anything?
George: Oh, no, no, no. We bought the wine here before, but now, you know, we're blocked in by some guy double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.
Liquor Store Clerk: Well, wait outside. This isn't a hangout.
George: But my friend here has hypothermia.
Kramer: (shivering) Hypothermia.
Liquor Store Clerk: All right, guys. Take it outside.
(George turns and knocks into a wine display, breaking several bottles)
Liquor Store Clerk: You're paying for these.
(Kramer slips on the wine and falls)
Kramer: All right, look, I'm gonna have to pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.
(George swaggers over to Kramer)
George: Why not?
Kramer: Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter.
(He makes a motion with his hips)
George: "Throws your hips off kilter." So where's your money?
Kramer: I never take it.
George: So what do you do?
Kramer: Oh, I get by.
Elaine: These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.
Elaine: Because it's rude otherwise.
George: You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude.
George: So, you're telling me, instead of them being happy to see me, they're gonna be upset because I didn't bring anything. You see what I'm saying?
Jerry: The fabric of society's very complex, George.
Kramer: (Searching for a parking space) Well, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?
George: Ah, just double park.
Kramer: No, no.
George: Why not?
Kramer: I'll get a ticket! Besides, what if somebody wants to get out of here?
George: Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give 'em up.
Kramer: That's a fallacy.
George: All right, I'll tell you what...Why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
Kramer: Why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
George: Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.
Kramer: So what? I'm going to leave the car running and the heat'll be on.
George: Does the heater even work in the car?
George: You think chickens have individual personalities?
Kramer: I don't know.
George: If you had five chickens, could you tell them apart just by the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around "bak bak baak bak?" Because if they have individual personalities, I'm not sure we should be eating them.
S05E14 - The Marine Biologist (Quotes)
Jerry: (trying to make George look good) He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber, it's quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on earth. But as George says, they don't have to be.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
(George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball)
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
Jerry: What do you mean, like postcards?
George: Oh, anything.
Jerry: She doesn't open.
George: She'll open.
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes?
Jerry: What does she say?
George: I was curious.
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.
George: As I made my way past the breakers, a sudden calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention, or the kinship of all living things. But I tell you Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist.
Kramer: Hey... Who wants to have some fun?
Jerry/George: I do!
Kramer: Now are you just saying you want to have fun, or do you really want to have fun?
Jerry: I really want to have fun!
George: I'm just saying I want to have some fun.
Kramer: I've got five hundred Titleists that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway, and hit 'em.... into the ocean! Picture this: we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, take out our drivers, we tee up, and poof! The ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then: uggh!
S05E15 - The Pie (Quotes)
Kramer: (to Elaine, about the mannequin) It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite!
Kramer: You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ooooo! She's a maestro. The criss-cross, the figure-eight, strummin' on the old banjo. And this wild savage free-for-all where anything can happen!
S05E16 - The Stand-In (Quotes)
George: You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored; I genuinely dislike her.
Jerry: Well, how long you are going to keep this up?
George: Hey, I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.
Jerry: You know George, they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days
George: There's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Ah, what's there to talk about.
George: Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Why don't you talk with her about how there's nothing to talk about?
George: She knows there's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: At least she'll be talking.
George: Oh, shut up.
Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
Kramer: Hey. Hey how was your date with Phil Titola?
Elaine: He took it out.
(Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his back.)
Kramer: Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's inhuman.
S05E17 - The Wife (Quotes)
Jerry: I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other, you care about each other. It's wonderful. Plus, I love saying 'my wife'. Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop. 'My wife' this, 'My wife' that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
George: It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
Elaine: Different pipes go to different places. You're gonna mix them up!
George: I'll call a plumber right now!
Jerry: Alright, can we cool it with the pee-pipe talk here?
Marty: (to Meryl) Sure, you get the discount, too.
Jerry: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...
Meryl: I'm taking him to the cleaners!
Jerry: Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you... (hugs Meryl) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!
Jerry: Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because, you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do...you ought to go shopping with him. "What do you think of this shirt?" "That would look good with a light starch." The only warning label people really respect is "dry-clean only." Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, "Ah, the hell with it!" But dry-clean only? "Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!"
S05E18 - The Raincoats (Part 1) (Quotes)
Kramer: Oh hey, Helen, uh, could I use some more of your hand lotion?
Helen: I told you it was good.
Helen: It's from the Sak's Fifth Avenue in Miami.
Kramer: Mmm. I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
Jerry: Yeah, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here, in New York City.
Estelle: Maybe they don't like us.
Frank: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the paella) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?!
Estelle: Ah, keep quiet!
Frank: (agitated) What, are you trying to set my mouth on fire?!?
George: I don't know what the reason could be.
Jerry: Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas.
Helen: They're exhausting. It's like being in an asylum.
S05E19 - The Raincoats (Part 2) (Quotes)
Newman: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
Newman: What, do I have to spell it out for you? He was moving on her like the stormtroopers into Poland.
Helen: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?
Newman: Yes, and a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall!!
S05E20 - The Fire (Quotes)
Kramer: Then, everybody is screaming because the bus driver is passed out from all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, take him out of the seat. I get behind the wheel and now I'm driving the bus!
George: You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand, and I kept driving the bus with the other, you know. Then, I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, you know. With my foot, you know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
George: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?
Eric: Hey man, what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is. What, is he a clown?
George: What? Is he a clown? Are you kidding me?
Eric: Well, what is he?
George: Yes, he's a clown!
Eric: Alright, so what's the big deal? There's millions of clowns. You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the '60s, man!
Jerry: So you feel women and children first, in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion?
George: To some degree.
Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves...
George: In a manner of speaking.
Kramer: (about Jerry) After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building. And a street sweeper ran over her foot, and severed her pinkie toe.
George: That's unbelievable!
Kramer: Yeah, then after the ambulance left I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George: You ran?
Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the bus driver 'I've got a toe here buddy, step on it!'
Ronnie: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?
Jerry: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!
Ronnie: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.
Jerry: Well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.
S05E21 - The Hamptons (Quotes)
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Jerry: (about topless Jane) George hasn't even seen her yet.
Elaine: Why do you think we're getting a sneak preview?
Kramer: Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
Kramer: You know, get some good word-of-mouth going.
George: Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but...
Jerry: But what?
George: Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
Jerry: Oh, you mean... Shrinkage.
George: Yes. Significant shrinkage.
Jerry: So you feel you were shortchanged.
George: Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
George: I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be... And more!
Jane: I'm sure it is.
George: Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.
George: (about Jane) I can't believe that you saw her before me.
Jerry: Think of me as a doctor.
George: Well, how good a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police-sketch artist...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
S05E22 - The Opposite (Quotes)
George: I'll tell you this, something is happening in my life! I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down! Black was white! Good was...
George: Day was...
George: A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion.
Jerry: So I guess your messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
Yankees exec: This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same. But I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong.
George: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me!? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me! Try me, because I would love it!
S06E01 - The Chaperone (Quotes)
Kramer: Let's try a few more questions, alright? If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?
(after Kramer has just shouted at Jerry for killing Karen's doves)
George: What was that all about?
Jerry: Oh, it was just Kramer. Apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with the bucket of water last night.
George: (with 100 percent apathy and insensitivity) Huh.
Announcer #1: And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!
Announcer #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!
S06E02 - The Big Salad (Quotes)
S06E03 - The Pledge Drive (Quotes)
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
Kramer: Well don't look at me!
Jerry: It's your fault!
Kramer: My fault?!? Your Nana, is missing, because she's been passing those bum checks all over town, and she finally pissed off the wrong people!
Nana: Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.
Elaine: (thinks it's Dan) Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you. Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you, so why don't you just drop dead?!
Dan: Is Jerry in there?
Kramer: Well, he can't be disturbed now.
Dan: Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind.
Kramer: I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.
Kramer: Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City: gender bending and swinging in San Francisco.
Jerry: (in trouble for throwing a card in the trash) It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?
George: The rule is a minimum of two days.
Jerry: You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?
George: I'm making it up.
George: Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!
Jerry: That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.
S06E04 - The Chinese Woman (Quotes)
George: I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and let you say something bad about him.
George: Alright, Superman's the exception.
George: (referring to divorce) All right, let me just say one thing. There is no way this is gonna happen, you hear me? No way! Because if you think I'm going to two Thanksgivings, you're out of your mind!
Jerry: Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.
Jerry: You went back to the Jockeys?
Kramer: Wrong again.
Jerry: (realizing that Kramer is not wearing underwear) Oh, no.
Elaine: What? What?
Jerry: Don't you see what's goin' on here? No boxers, no Jockeys...
(Elaine backs away from Kramer, disgusted)
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine...Kramer, say it isn't so.
Kramer: Oh, it be so.
(Jerry turns his head in disgust)
Kramer: I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.
Estelle: You're not Chinese?!
Donna Chang: No.
Estelle: I thought you were Chinese!
Donna Chang: I'm from Long Island.
Estelle: Long Island?! I thought I was getting advice from a Chinese woman?!
Donna Chang: I'm sorry.
Estelle: Well, then...that changes everything!
Estelle: She's not Chinese, I was duped!
George: So what?! She still gave you great advice! What's the difference if she's not Chinese?!
Estelle: I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!
George: Wait a minute, you're-now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island?!
Frank: You want a divorce?! You got one!
S06E05 - The Couch (Quotes)
S06E06 - The Gymnast (Quotes)
George: I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
Jerry: Maybe you should date the mothers.
George: If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going.
S06E07 - The Soup (Quotes)
George: Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it. Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing.
S06E08 - The Mom & Pop Store (Quotes)
S06E09 - The Secretary (Quotes)
Bania: For our next meal, do you think we should come here, or should we go someplace else? You know it has its pros and cons. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand...
Jerry: (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it!
S06E10 - The Race (Quotes)
George: (trying to get a date with a communist) Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system.
Kramer: There are no delicatessens under communism.
Mickey: Whoa! Why not?
Kramer: Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You've got pastrami and corned beef in one class and salami and bologna in another. That's not right.
George: So what have you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
George: So what do you do, a lot of that "did you ever notice," this kind of stuff?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.
George: It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Well, you really got bald there, didn't you?
S06E11 - The Switch (Quotes)
George: I found out another juicy little nugget about our friend.
George: I uh... got the first name
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?!
George: That's right. You ready?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for 10 years! What is it?
George: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the middle ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the middle ages.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments.
George: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere there were two women living together.
Kramer: All my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry, I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm going to be. From now on, I'm Cosmo!
S06E12 - The Label Maker (Quotes)
Jerry: Newman! He's going with Newman!
George: How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
Jerry: He's his mailman.
George: Who goes to the Superbowl with their mailman?
Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?
George: Well...he's merry.
Jerry: He is merry - I'll give him that.
Kramer: Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.
Newman: Don't look at me.
Kramer: Oh, I'm looking right at you, Big Daddy.
Jerry: Hey, how would you like to go to the Super Bowl?
Tim: What, are you kidding?
Jerry: Here. Two tickets. Have a good time.
Tim: How can I thank you? I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime. You ever been to Mendy's?
Jerry: (panicky) No, no, no! No dinner!
S06E13 - The Scofflaw (Quotes)
S06E16 - The Beard (Quotes)
George: (about Elaine) I'll tell ya. When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again: totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It's a pleasure!
Jerry: It's good to have you back. You've had, like, a religious awakening. You're a bald again!
Elaine: (about Jerry's lie that he doesn't watch Melrose Place) This is so stupid! Why don't you just confess?
Jerry: It's too stupid to confess. Look what I'm confessing to.
Elaine: Well, what are going to do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I could beat the machine.
Elaine: Uh! Who do you think you are? Costanza?
Jerry: Hey, you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?
Elaine: Being a woman, I only really have access to the equipment, what, 30-45 minutes a week, and that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment and have access to it 24 hours a day their entire lives?
Jerry: (referring to George's toupee) Don't you think she could tell?
Kramer: No, no, no, can't tell. It's a perfect match, beautiful job.
Jerry: Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.
Jerry: Elaine, you know what you've done? You've given hope to every woman who said 'Too bad he's gay.'
Elaine: Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything is possible. Jerome, I've hit the jackpot. Nothing but sex and shopping!
S06E17 - The Kiss Hello (Quotes)
George: I love these people. You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Jerry: I'm going on record right now that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
Jerry: Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.
Jerry: If you could say touch her breast is part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little bit better.
Elaine: How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?
Jerry: Elaine, now you're just being ridiculous.
S06E18 - The Doorman (Quotes)
S06E19 - The Jimmy (Quotes)
Jerry: Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room, he's got a Penthouse right out on the table.
Jerry: Yeah! What is that? I mean, isn't that sick? I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment.
Kramer: So, what's wrong with that?
Jerry: He's a doctor! I mean, it's supposed to be, like, a sterile environment.
Kramer: So... did you take a look?
Jerry: Of course.... but that's got nothing to do with it.
Jerry: Don't you see what's happened? He couldn't talk, he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling.
Elaine: He thinks you're mentally challenged!
Jerry: Well... you know.
Elaine: Well, what happens when you show up? He'll see that you're not.
Jerry: Not necessarily, because...
Jerry: You said, "George likes spicy chicken."
George: No I didn't.
Elaine: Yes, you did. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."
Jerry: You're turning into Jimmy.
George: George is getting upset!
Jimmy: Hey, look. Hank's got a new boyfriend. Jimmy's not threatened by Hank's sexuality. Jimmy's happy for Hank.
Elaine: Elaine once tried to convert one, but Elaine's not going through that again.
S06E20 - The Doodle (Quotes)
S06E21 - The Fusilli Jerry (Quotes)
Jerry: Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter's obviously impossible, the former still applies.
George: So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their "vanity" plates.
George: What do they say?
Kramer: Yeah, Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer: the Assman!
George: (to his mother re-entering the dating scene) You're not 'out there.' I'm out there, and if I see you out there, there isn't enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
Kramer: It's Fusilli Jerry! It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
Jerry: When did you do this?
Kramer: In my spare time. You know, I'm working on one of you George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.
Jerry: Why fusilli?
Kramer: Because you're silly. Get it?
Jerry: I just can't see you with a mechanic.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Right, right. All those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their big muscular arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.
Jerry: (about David Puddy) So he stole my move, and he's using it on Elaine.
George: You told David Puddy your move and you didn't tell me? I need a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry! I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together while you're walking around with a Zippo!
Jerry: I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. (imitates mechanic) "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." (imitates customer) "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."
Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way... 'It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one.'
S06E22 - The Diplomat's Club (Quotes)
Jerry: What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder...
George: Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.
Jerry: What for?
George: They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.
Jerry: Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?
George: It better be.
Katie: Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-
Jerry: Yes, I know. I've flown before.
Katie: Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
S06E23 - The Face Painter (Quotes)
George: You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you,' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat.'
Jerry: Unless you're married...
George: Now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them!
Jerry: No, people hate that.
Jerry: Who are these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
Elaine: I will never understand people.
Jerry: They're the worst.
S06E24 - The Understudy (Quotes)
Jerry: Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I didn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thing real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.
S07E01 - The Engagement (Quotes)
(George is playing chess with his girlfriend, Alice.)
George: Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is. You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. Likes to stay at home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good.
George: I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Elaine: There is this dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never, ever stops barking. I lost my voice just screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do?
Kramer: Well, there is something you can do.
Elaine: What? Kramer, I'll do anything.
Kramer: Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?
Jerry: You're gonna rub out the dog?
Jerry: What is this? What are we doing? What in God's name are we doing?
Jerry: Our lives. What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.
George: No, we're not. We're not men.
George: You know, it was really very wrong of you to back out on that deal.
Jerry: I didn't make a deal, I just shook your hand.
George: Yeah, well that's a deal where I come from.
Jerry: We come from the same place.
Kramer: You started wondering, "Isn't there something more to life?"
Kramer: Well, let me fill you in on something: there isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: What were you thinking, Jerry? Marriage? Family?
Jerry: Well . . .
Kramer: They're prisons! Man made prisons! You're doing time! You wake up in the morning: she's there. You go to bed at night: she's there. It's like you have to ask permission to use the bathroom.
S07E02 - The Postponement (Quotes)
S07E03 - The Maestro (Quotes)
Elaine: Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing The Requiem?
Jerry: Yeah, everyone knows that; it was in Amadeus.
Jackie: "I'll take it?" "I'll take it?" Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?
Jackie: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it. He wasn't there!
S07E04 - The Wink (Quotes)
Jerry: You spent the night at James's? Did we?
Elaine: Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.
Jerry: Reversed positions?
Elaine: Yeah, you know, head to toe.
Jerry: So what your genitals are still lined up.
Elaine: No, because I slept with my back to him.
(long pause - no comment from the guys)
George: I'd rather date the blind. You know, you could let the house go, you let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't really know you're not good enough for her.
Elaine: I think she'd figure it out sooner or later.
Kramer: Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.
Bobby: I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again.
Kramer: Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card.
Jerry: Hey, salad's got nuttin' on this mutton.
Holly: That is so funny, did you just make that up?
Jerry: I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually a line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat.
S07E05 - The Hot Tub (Quotes)
Clayton: ...speak up George, I can't hear you!
George: You tell that son-of-a-bitch that no Yankee is ever coming to Houston; not as long as you bastards are running things!
(Mr. Wilhelm walks by right as George curses)
George Steinbrenner: We all get a little cuckoo sometimes, George. I used to be like you. Berating personnel until they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George... Hot Tub!
S07E06 - The Soup Nazi (Quotes)
George: Why can't we share?
Jerry: I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you.
George: Do you hear yourself?
Jerry: I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.
Kramer: Excuse me.
Ray: Are you talking to me?
Kramer: Uh, well, uh, we-
Ray: I said, are you talking to me?
Bob: Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you talking to?!
Kramer: Well uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren't we?
(Kramer & Jerry turn around and run away)
George: Medium turkey chili.
Jerry: Medium crab bisque.
(George notices he didn't get any bread with his soup.)
George: I didn't get any bread.
Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.
George: Um, excuse me; I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread - $2.00 extra.
George: $2.00? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George: Yes please.
Soup Nazi: $3.00!
Soup Nazi: No soup for you! (snaps fingers)
(The cashier takes away George's soup and gives him back his money.)
Jerry: The guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi.
Elaine: Why? What happens if you don't order right?
Jerry: He yells and you don't get your soup.
Elaine: You know, has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino. You know, Scent of a Woman? HOO-AHH! HOO-AHH!
Soup Nazi: Good, very good, you know something?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Soup Nazi: Come back, one year! Next!
Sheila: Well, behind every joke there's some truth.
Jerry: What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says, 'Ah, I'll just have some coffee.' There's no truth to that.
Newman: (panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: What is it?
Newman: Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!
Jerry: Wha - wha - what's the matter?
Newman: Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not
gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No
more soup, Jerry! No more for of us!
Jerry: Well, where are you going?
Newman: He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!
S07E07 - The Secret Code (Quotes)
George: Where are we gonna eat?
Jerry: We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.
George: Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.
Jerry: Of course not, if I did, would you have gone?
George: No way.
Jerry: There you go.
George: I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off.
Jerry: Trust me, you're off.
Kramer: ...you're a portly fellow... a bit long in the waistband? So what's your pleasure; is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no, no... your's is a sweet-tooth. Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master: the cocoa-bean!
Jerry: I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
Kramer: Oh, so he took you back?
Jerry: Yeah, we straightened it out. All is forgiven.
Kramer: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.
Jerry: No, I didn't.
S07E08 - The Pool Guy (Quotes)
George: I have relationship George, but I also have independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with: movie George, coffee shop George, liar George, bawdy George.
Jerry: I love that George.
George: Me too, and he's dying, Jerry! If relationship George walks through that door, he will kill independent George. A George divided against itself cannot stand!
Jerry: What else did you two do?
Elaine: Ah, you know, girl stuff.
Jerry: Flower shows, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?
Elaine: That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?
Jerry: Yes, I do.
S07E09 - The Sponge (Quotes)
Walker 1: Hey, where's your ribbon?
Kramer: Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.
Walker 2: You don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I?
Walker 3: Who do you thing you are?
Walker 1: Put the ribbon on!
Walker 2: Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear a ribbon!
(Bob and Cedric turn around and glare at Kramer)
Bob: Who? Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon?
(George is struggling to open a condom wrapper
Susan: Come on, George, just rip it open.
George: I'm trying, damn it.
Susan: Look, tear it, tear it from the side.
George: I tried to tear it from the side, I can't get a good grip, here, you gotta do it like a bag of chips.
Susan: No, here, give it to me.
George: Would you just wait a second?! Wait a second!
Susan: Will you just give it to me? Give it to me.
(She takes the wrapper from George)
George: You see? You see?
Susan: (tears open the wrapper and hands it back to George) Come on. Come on!
George: (tosses the condom aside) It's too late.
Elaine: Hey, I didn't even use one.
Jerry: I thought you said it was imminent.
Elaine: Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy.
Elaine: Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges.
(Kramer is surrounded by Bob, Cedric, and the other walkers)
Bob: So, what's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon?
Kramer: No, never.
Bob: But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So, why aren't you going to wear the ribbon?!
Kramer: This is America, I don't have to wear anything I don't want to wear!
Cedric: What are we gonna do with him?
Bob: I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon!
(Kramer tries to climb up the fire escape, but he is pulled back down by the mob.)
Elaine: Good morning.
Billy: How'd you sleep?
Elaine: Great, and you?
Billy: Fine, fine. Everything okay?
Billy: No regrets?
Elaine: Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her) What are you doing?
Billy: What do you mean?
Elaine: Oh, I don't think so.
Billy: Why not? I thought you said everything was fine.
Elaine: I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of them.
(George is struggling to open a condom wrapper
Susan: Come on, George, just rip it open.
George: I'm trying, damn it.
Susan: Look, tear it, tear it from the side.
George: I tried to tear it from the side, I can't get a good grip, here, you gotta do it like a bag of chips.
Susan: No, here, give it to me.
George: Would you just wait a second?! Wait a second!
Susan: Will you just give it to me? Give it to me.
(She takes the wrapper from George)
George: You see? You see?
Susan: (tears open the wrapper and hands it back to George) Come on. Come on!
George: (tosses the condom aside) It's too late.
Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Elaine: Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? I know they're off the market, but...
Pharmacist: Actually, we have one case left.
Elaine: A case! A case of sponges? How many come in a case?
Elaine: Sixty! Well, I'll take three.
Elaine: Make it ten.
Elaine: Twenty sponges should be plenty.
Pharmacist: Did you say twenty?
Elaine: Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.
Pharmacist: Right. So, you're set with twenty-five?
Elaine: Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way.
George: That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open?
Jerry: It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.
George: You never run out, do you?
Elaine: Run down your case for me again.
Billy: Well, we've gone out several times; we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests - immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.
Elaine: You going to do something about your sideburns?
Billy: Yeah, I told you, I'm going to trim my sideburns.
Elaine: And the bathroom in your apartment?
Billy: Cleaned it this morning.
Elaine: The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?
Billy: Everything, yeah. It's spotless.
Elaine: Alright, let's go.
S07E10 - The Gum (Quotes)
(George wants Deena's father to pay for the damages to his car)
Deena: And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too?
George: No, not Lloyd Braun, but the cashier.
Deena: What cashier?
George: You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot.
Deena: To park her horse?
George: No, she wasn't on the horse.
(In his car, George is waiting for the engine to warm up. Another car is waiting for him to pull out of his spot, and impatiently sounds the horn)
George: All right, all right.
(The horn sounds again)
George: Hang on, it's warming up!
(The horn sounds several more times. Fed up, George angrily gets out of his car)
George: Oh, you mother...
(He walks over to the car)
George: Hey, what is your problem?!
(The driver rolls down the window and reveals herself to be the cashier)
George: Oh, hello! It's you! Listen, lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging until you admit you stole my twenty dollars. Heh-heh-heh. You're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you, Ruthie?
Cashier: Your car's on fire.
(Her windshield reflects the flames erupting from George's car, and he dashes off back toward it)
George: Ah! Fire!
Cashier: Merry Christmas.
George: Do you think she's happy?
George: The cashier.
Jerry: Ruthie Cohen?
George: You know her name?
George: I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
Jerry: Maybe that's why she's happy.
George: That cashier is riding horses on my money.
Jerry: Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around, see if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty-dollar bills around with big lips.
S07E11 - The Rye (Quotes)
Elaine: I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy. I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't want to make any big sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.
Dennis: In fact, you know what, how would you like to take my hansom cab for the week?
Kramer: Drive the horse?
Dennis: It'll just be sitting there. You can really clean up. 500 bucks a day. I'll split it with ya.
Kramer: Oh, giddy up! Yeah.
S07E12 - The Caddy (Quotes)
George: It is all because of that car. See, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of them, they think I'm working an eighteen-hour day!
Jerry: Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made.
(The parody of the OJ Simpson trial)
Jackie: (to Kramer and Stan) Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothing now, nothing! I've been practicing law for 25 years; you're listening to a caddy! This is a public humiliation! You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard. A bra gotta fit right up a person's skin, like a glove!
Jerry: You doing anything?
Jerry: You want to go down to the Bronx and see if there are any fliers on George's car?
Jerry: I could have said just about anything there, couldn't I?
S07E13 - The Seven (Quotes)
George: I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.
Jerry: Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl.
George: Alright... You having a good time now?
Jerry: I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?
George: Alright already!!
Jerry: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of
school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually
seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
Elaine: I think I really sprained it.
Jerry: Ah, I doubt you sprained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You could've twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it, turned it...
Elaine: You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up?
Kramer: Are you unhappy with our arrangement?
Jerry: What arrangement?
Kramer: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.
Jerry: Yeah? Well, let me know when you get something in there and I will.
S07E14 - The Cadillac (Part 1) (Quotes)
Evelyn: I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight.
Helen: The Lichtenberg's?
Evelyn: Yes, they're having a party.
Helen: We weren't invited.
Evelyn: Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car.
S07E15 - The Cadillac (Part 2) (Quotes)
Jerry: Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?
Helen: You're not buying us dinner.
Jerry: Well, I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at 4:30 just to save a couple bucks, I'll tell you that!
Helen: Alright, we'll wait. But it's unheard of.
S07E16 - The Shower Head (Quotes)
Jerry: (on phone) Hey, listen to this -- Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did; she thought it was funny, so he accused HER of being an anti-Semite, they had a huge fight, and now he's moving back into his apartment! You know what this means? My parents are gonna go back to Florida! ... What? ... What number is this? ... Oh, I'm terribly sorry. (hangs up)
Uncle Leo: Move back with Lydia???
Jerry: Come on, you're lucky to have anybody!
Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swingin'!
Jerry: Swinging?!? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting! You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body 24 hours a day! If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like Grim Death! Which is not far off, by the way.
Uncle Leo: But she's an anti-Semite!
Jerry: Can you blame her???!!?
Jerry: (about his parents) You see this? Any thought pops into their head, they're calling me because it's a local call now. I'm used to a 1200-mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus, I've got the dinners, I've got the pop-in's. They pop-in! It's brutal.
Frank: (to Jerry's dad) This is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!
Kramer: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!
Jerry: No good?
Kramer: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Newman: Now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.
S07E17 - The Doll (Quotes)
Kramer: Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
Jerry: Like what?
Kramer: What is all this stuff? Why do need this stuff? And why...do they make them so small?
Jerry: Where's the punch line?
Kramer: It's all attitude (makes a funny face)
(George is showing Jerry the doll that looks like his mother.)
George: You see? You see?!
Jerry: (with a disgusted face) Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.
George: Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years!
Jerry: Why don't you just get rid of it, then?
George: I tried, I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it, the guilt was overwhelming. Susan's so attached to this thing.
Jerry: (as George is leaving with the doll) Well, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home.
(George is imagining the doll yelling at him like his mother)
Doll: Georgie, don't eat with your hands. Why do you eat so fast? You can't even taste it!
George: Don't tell me how to eat!
Doll: Still wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already. Why don't you buy a new shirt?
George: Because I like this one!
S07E18 - The Friars Club (Quotes)
S07E19 - The Wig Master (Quotes)
Jerry: I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
Elaine: Well, this is all very flattering...
Jerry: Like a shark fisherman with a bucket of chum.
Jerry: Like a shrimp farmer...
S07E20 - The Calzone (Quotes)
George: Beautiful women... Ya know, they get away with murder. You never see one of them lift anything over three pounds. They do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and nobody can stop them.
Jerry: She's like a beautiful Godzilla.
George: And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese!
George: (about Steinbrenner's love of the calzone) I'm like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I'm having lunch at his desk every day this week... just him and me. He doesn't make a move without me.
Steinbrenner: George let me tell you something. When I find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday, turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl George! You'd eat the chili then you'd eat the bowl. Nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing just a table.
Jerry: You've got your shirt in my oven?
Kramer: Well, I didn't have enough quarters for the dryer, but this is better anyway. And it's more convenient.
Jerry: Oh, for both of us.
Kramer: Yeah, and I have a lot more control. I got a shirt going for ten minutes at 325.
Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?
Kramer: I'm baking a pie.
S07E21 - The Bottle Deposit (Part 1) (Quotes)
Jerry: Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?
Kramer: Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.
Newman: That's where my missing soda is.
Jerry: And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor.
Auctioneer: ...do I have sixty-five-hundred?
(Elaine raises paddle)
Auctioneer: Sixty-five-hundred to the... dark-haired person on the right.
(a little later)
Sue Ellen Mishke: Ten thousand.
Auctioneer: Ten thousand to the shapely woman on the left.
S07E22 - The Bottle Deposit (Part 2) (Quotes)
George: Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.
Deena : George, this is the best thing for you.
(she walks away)
George : Yea. What? No, no!
Kramer and Newman: Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...
J. Peterman: Elaine, you found the clubs. That's wonderful news! Where are they?
Elaine: Yep, let me get 'em for you Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: Aw, I'll be inaugurating them this weekend with none other than Ethel Kennedy, a woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is succeeded only by her proclivity to procreate.
Elaine: (shows him the damaged golf clubs as he handles them) The, uh...the letter of authenticity is in the side pocket there.
J. Peterman: Elaine, I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.
Elaine: Oh...oh, yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (hesitantly laughs)
J. Peterman: See you on Monday.
Elaine: Have a good game!
S07E23 - The Wait Out (Quotes)
S07E24 - The Invitations (Quotes)
Jerry: Why don't you just break it off with her? Tell her it's over.
George: I can't.
Jerry: Why not?
George: Cause I can't face that scene. You know what kind of scene that would be? I'd rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than go through something like that.
Bank Manager: This man says he came in here the other day and you didn't say "hello"?
Bank Clerk: That's not true; I said "hey," you know, like a friendly greeting hey.
Kramer: But hey's not hello.
Bank Manager: This is a tough one. I'm gonna have to get some other people in on this.
George: (plotting a way out of his engagement) If only I could get her on a plane somewhere.
Jerry: And do what: hope for a crash?
George: It happens.
Jerry: Do you know what the odds of a plane crash are? It's a million to one.
George: It's something! It's hope!
S08E01 - The Foundation (Quotes)
George: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
J. Peterman Catalog Writer: So I pressed through the rushes, and there below me -- the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria.
Peterman: Oh, for the love of God, man, just tell me what the product is!
Writer: It's a... a... washcloth.
Peterman: No washcloths!!
S08E02 - The Soul Mate (Quotes)
S08E03 - The Bizarro Jerry (Quotes)
S08E04 - The Little Kicks (Quotes)
George: I'm the bad boy...I've never been the bad boy.
Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George: Yes, yes...
Jerry: ...the bad fiance , the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George: Okay, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... The bad tipper!
George: Ow! Dad...
Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You saying you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank: You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight)
S08E05 - The Package (Quotes)
Elaine: I was looking at my chart and it said that I was difficult. Why would they write that?
Jerry: They've gotten to know you.
George: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know you're difficult.
Elaine: Oh come on, I'm not difficult. I'm easy.
Kramer: Yes, I'm Dr. van Nostrand from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes's chart; she's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's, uh, very bad, very messy.
Nurse: I see. And what clinic is that again?
Kramer: Uh, that's correct.
Nurse: Excuse me?
Kramer: From the Hoffermanndale Clinic, in Belgium.
Kramer: The Netherlands?
Mailman: Package for you. Sign here.
Jerry: Who's it from?
Mailman: No return address.
Jerry: What if I don't want it?
Mailman: Are you refusing delivery?
Jerry: Maybe I am.
Mailman: Why would you do that?
Jerry: I've never done it before.
Mailman: Why start now?
Jerry: Why not?
Newman: Alright, let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? Huh? I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during shipping!
Jerry: Define 'rarely'.
Kramer: It's a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off of what?
Kramer: They just write it off!
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is, do you?
Kramer: No. Do you?
Jerry: No I don't!!
George: Who's going to bomb you? An airline? For all the stupid little peanut jokes?
Jerry: Oh, I suppose you think you're bombable.
George: There's a couple of people who wouldn't mind having me out of the way.
Jerry: There's more than a couple.
S08E06 - The Fatigues (Quotes)
Kramer: (Handing Jerry and Elaine a flyer) Check it out.
Jerry: "Jewish Single Night"
Kramer: I expect you both to be there.
Elaine: I'm not Jewish.
Kramer: Well, neither am I.
Jerry: Then why are you going?
Kramer: I'm not going; I'm running it.
S08E07 - The Checks (Quotes)
Kramer: That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
Japanese tourist: Oh, Super Terrific!
Kramer: Yeah, that's him.
Japanese tourist: What is he doing?
Kramer: Well, I don't know, but something Super Terrific, I'm sure.
Jerry: So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
George: They could've at least tried.
Jerry: You know, maybe they thought you look too smart to be brainwashed.
Jerry: Too dumb?
Jerry: You have them sleeping in drawers?
Kramer: Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
Jerry: This has international incident written all over it.
(Jerry picks up the phone)
George: (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
Jerry: (kidding) Uncle Leo?
(George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk and Jerry lifts the phone away from his ear at the noise)
Jerry: All right, all right. I'll wake 'em up.
S08E08 - The Chicken Roaster (Quotes)
Jerry: (about Kramer's apartment) You don't know what it's like in there! All night long things are creaking and cracking, and that red light is burning my brain!
Elaine: You look a little stressed.
Jerry: Oh, I'm stressed!
Jerry: (talking to Kramer and Newman about switching from Jerry's apartment to Kramer's) Well don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job, you two are going back to that chicken supernova.
S08E09 - The Abstinence (Quotes)
Tobacco Executive: I think Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man's a goblin. And he's only been exposed to smoke for four days; by the time this case gets to trial he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
George: (Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams) Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. It's not complicated.
George: Who are you gonna eat to survive?
George: So fast? What about me?
George: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
Jerry: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.
George: Well, I would eat you.
Jerry: That's very nice, I guess.
George: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.
Jerry: Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
George: Thank you.
Jerry: (to Elaine) To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.
Kramer: My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in seventy-two hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, you know, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face. It's my allure, my twinkle.
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.
S08E10 - The Andrea Doria (Quotes)
Jerry: Did you find out who stabbed him?
Elaine: Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
Jerry: Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.
Elaine: Well, I don't know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy. You know, it's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
George: Ahoy, Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Mr. Eldridge: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?
Mr. Eldridge: We had to abandon ship.
George: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Mr. Eldridge: The boat sank.
George: According to this, it took ten hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath, no offense.
Elaine: I found out he's a bad breaker-upper.
Jerry: Bad how?
Elaine: Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.
Jerry: I follow. So, what are you going to do?
Elaine: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Kramer: 51 people died.
George: 51 people? That's it?! I thought it was like a thousand!
Kramer: 1060 survivors.
George: Thats no tragedy! How many do you lose on a regular cruise? 30? 40?!
George: In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man. (George gets up to leave and adds, almost as an afterthought) Oh, Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out.
S08E11 - The Little Jerry (Quotes)
Kramer: The check comes down as long as little jerry wins his cock fight.
Jerry: Great... what?!
Kramer: Yea Marcelino has cock fights in the back of his store.
Jerry: Kramer, cock fighting is illegal.
Kramer: (with food in his mouth) Yea, but only in the United States!
Jerry: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.
Kramer: Only in the United States.
Jerry: It's inhumane.
Kramer: Jerry, it's not what you think.
Jerry: It's two roosters pecking at each other!
Kramer: What? I thought they had gloves and helmets. You know, like American Gladiators.
Kramer: But You should've seen 'Little Jerry' Jerry. Flapping his wings and strutting his stuff. His pecking, and weaving, and bobbin, and talking trash! He didn't even have to touch him. The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted 2 seconds.
Jerry: How long do they usually last?
Kramer: 5 seconds.
Jerry:(Explaining to Kramer that he does not have a hen, with a clarity belying his drowsiness at having been awakened by daybreak crowing) That is a rooster.
Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
S08E12 - The Money (Quotes)
Frank: I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the other day.
Estelle: Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?
Frank: They don't nap. They make it their home. They URINATE IN THERE!
Peterman: These stories are what sell my clothes.
Morty: Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise.
Klompus: Do whatever you want! It's your car!
Jerry: My car? You drove it into the swamp!
Klompus: It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too.
Jerry: You know, that almost makes this worthwhile.
S08E13 - The Comeback (Quotes)
George: So, guess where Mr. "Ocean phoned" turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.
George: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.
Jerry: You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?
George: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as "jerk store" and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.
Elaine: See, there are no jerk stores. It, it's just a little confusing, is all.
George: It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!
(George realizes that everyone in the coffee shop is staring at him)
George: (waving apologetically) Not you.
Reilly: So, George, you're proposing a snow tire day at Yankees Stadium?
George: (through a mouthful) As long as they don't throw 'em on the field.(laughs)Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody.
McAdam: I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
George: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.
(George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth)
Reilly: You know, George...
(George looks up, expectantly)
Reilly: The ocean called, they're running outta shrimp.
(Everyone except George starts laughing)
George: Oh yeah, Reilly? (wipes his mouth and stands up) Well, the jerk store called, they're runnin' outta you.
Reilly: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
(Everyone except George starts laughing again)
George: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
McAdams: (standing up and leaning over to speak in George's ear) His wife's in a coma.
Fred: All right, let's get to it.
George: Wha...wait a minute, wha-what about Reilly?
Fred: Reilly doesn't work here anymore.
George: (surprised) What? I-I didn't hear about that.
Fred: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings.
(Everyone at the table collapses into laughter)
S08E14 - The Van Buren Boys (Quotes)
Jerry: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?
George: I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father... my father's father before him.
S08E15 - The Susie (Quotes)
Elaine: Look, we don't have to name names or point fingers or...name names! Me and her have had our problems. She and I have had our problems. You and I and she and you.
Peterman: Don't you drag me into this. This is between you and her and her.
Elaine: Yes! And I'm convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me too.
Elaine: (weakly) Her.
Peterman: Where is she?!
Elaine: Ah, this is part of the problem.
Peggy: I thought I was part of this problem?
Elaine: You're a Huge part of the problem. But, I think that at its core, this is a Susie and Elaine problem that requires a Susie and Elaine solution. And who better to do that than...(pauses) Elaine and Susie, Susie and Elaine!
Peterman: Well, now that we have that cleared up, why don't the three of us have lunch?
Elaine: (pretends she heard someone in the hall) What! Oh, I'm...coming! I-I gotta go.(runs out)
Peterman: (to Peggy) She is the best. What was your name again?
Peterman: Elaine, I'm going to start a charitable foundation in Susie's honor and, as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman (whispers) I'm Susie. She's me.
Peterman: (also whispering) I feel the same way.
Elaine: (looks bewildered)
Peterman: That's why this foundation will meet around your schedule. Nights, weekends, every free moment you have. (pats her on the shoulder and leaves)
George: Wait till you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Eh? I'm finally gonna make a great entrance!
Elaine: Backless? You're gonna back her in?
George: Elaine, when a woman makes a ball entrance, she twirls.
Elaine: She's not gonna twi...
George: She'll twirl!
Jerry: I thought you went to the game?
Kramer: Naw, I was kicked out for fighting with one of the players.
Kramer: Reggie Miller.
Elaine: Cheryl Miller's brother?
(After Kramer leaves the room and is done explaining the scenario)
Jerry: Can you believe that?
Elaine: I didn't know Cheryl Miller's little brother played basketball.
Kramer: By the way, you owe Mike a hundred dollars.
Jerry: What for?
Kramer: Well, I put down a bet for ya on tonight's game. If the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than 35, it pays 10:1. That's some sweet action!
Jerry: But I don't want any sweet action!
(Kramer bursts in)
Kramer: The Knicks killed 'em 110 to 73!
Jerry: What, of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout.
Kramer: No, Jerry, that's 37 points! The Knicks covered! You won! Now that's a cool gee, daddy-o. Now ya gotta let it ride.
Jerry: On what!?
Kramer: Come on Jerry, I don't want to lose this feeling!
S08E16 - The Pothole (Quotes)
Elaine: Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?
Jerry: For what?
Elaine: I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.
Jerry: Dirt? That's alright, because there's nothing wrong with dirt.
Elaine: Well, actually it's pretty grimy.
Jerry: Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.
Elaine: Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.
Jerry: (After George squeezes the Phil Rizzuto keychain head to get it to say 'Holy Cow!') Do they have to squeeze the real Phil Rizzuto to get him to say that?
George: Just in the last few innings of a double header.
Jerry: You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet just to get this flounder?
Elaine: It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser.
Kramer: That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.
Elaine: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
S08E17 - The English Patient (Quotes)
Guillermo: Ladies and gentleman, because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan Crepe restaurants, we are hijacking this plane to Cuba. Kindly stay in your seats, and shut that movie off.
Elaine: Aw, nuts!
Izzy Sr. My boys!
Izzy: My dad!
Izzy Jr. My grandpa!
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Izzy Sr. What happened to him (points to Jr.)
Jerry: He was trying to lift the TV.
Izzy Sr. That TV? (approaches it)
Jerry: Oh, no. (to the other two) It's go time.
(we hear cracking bones)
Morty: Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise.
Now, goodnight. (heads to the bedroom with Helen following him)
Helen: You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too tight.
Morty: This shirt will never leave my body.
Kramer: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
Jerry: Is not.
Kramer: Is too.
Jerry: Is not.
Kramer: Is too.
Jerry: I'm not having this conversation.
Kramer: Are too.
Jerry: Am not.
Kramer: Are too.
Jerry: Am not.
Kramer: Are too.
Helen: How could you do that to Mr. Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Jerry: He egged me on.
Helen: You should be more mature.
Jerry: He's eighty!
Elaine: Hey, what're you guys doing here?
Lisa: We just saw The English Patient again.
Gail: It's even better the second time.
Elaine: They make it longer?
Earl: I thought he quit smoking cigars.
Kramer: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... Dennis.
Earl: Dennis Castro?
Kramer: Uh, Dwayne.
Earl: Get the hell outta my office.
Danielle: George, I can't move in with you.
Danielle: I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.
George: No. You can't leave me. Marry me! I'll burn myself! I'LL BURN MY PARENTS!!
Izzy Jr.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?
Izzy: This is Seinfeld's kid.
Izzy Jr.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
Jerry: (chuckling) You got any kids?
S08E18 - The Nap (Quotes)
Kramer: Well, I had been swimming for 3 hours and I was in a real groove so I decided to keep going, but at 10 they start the aquasize. 35 geriatrics throwing elbows. It's like a flabby arm spanking machine.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Kramer: That's East River.
Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Kramer: Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the person.
Elaine: Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone.
George: I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.
Elaine: So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.
Jerry: Does it smell like the East River?
Elaine: How did you know?
Jerry: Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the
Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.
Elaine: (a la Kramer) Oh, GREAT!
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: No, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
George: Jerry, look at my eyes.
Jerry: Hmmm... they're a little less beady today.
George: Because I'm refreshed! I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk! I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible!
Jerry: Sounds like a real cool fort.
Kitsmiller: I buy all my furniture at an ergonomics store.
Elaine: Oh those places always the stupidest names!...like uh... "Back in Business" or..."Good Vitabrations"
Kitsmiller: Not this one...it's called the Lumbar Yard.
S08E19 - The Yada Yada (Quotes)
Jerry: Hi, Mr. Abbott.
Mr. Abbott: That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.
Beth: What was that all about?
Jerry: Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion.
Beth: Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?
Beth: A dentist.
Jerry: That's a good one. Dentists.
Beth: Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews.
(Jerry walks in, Kramer's just finished talking on the phone)
Jerry: Date with Karen?
Kramer: No, Julie. She's the one!
Jerry: What happened to Karen?
Kramer: Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. You know her parents are little people?
Jerry: Oh... small world.
Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
Jerry: Booze is not a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father.
Tim: You have no idea what my people have been through.
Jerry: The Jews?
Tim: No, the dentists. Did you know we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?
Jerry: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?
Jerry: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
Kramer: "Those people", Listen to yourself.
Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
Tim: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?
Tim: Those aren't matzo balls.
Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?
Tim: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?
Jerry: I know, but...
Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
Tim: 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a stickle of fluoride.
George: You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
Elaine: Yeah, I met this guy. We went out to dinner. I had the lobster bisque. We went back to his place. Yada, yada, yada. I Never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
(Jerry at confession)
Jerry: ... I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
S08E20 - The Millennium (Quotes)
Mrs. Hamilton: It's taken me thirteen years to climb to climb up to the top of that speed dial and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.
Jerry: But I never--
Mrs. Hamilton: You just stay away from that phone.
George: You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. Only thing is I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
Jerry: You can do that.
George: Of course, but I really want to leave my mark this time. You know, I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, 'Wow, now that guy got canned.'
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence.
George: Yeah, remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft serve machine?
Valerie: Who's this?
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: Uh, it's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!
Jerry: Poison Control?! Wow! That's even better than number 1!
(Valerie hangs up the phone.)
George: Never thought I'd fail at failing.
Jerry: Oh, come on, now.
George: Feel like I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George: You really think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George: Hey, so get this. I got a call this morning from one of the Mets' front office guys. They want to take me out to lunch.
Jerry: What for?
George: I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably want to pick my brain.
Jerry: Really, why do you think they're taking you out to lunch.
George: I have no idea.
(driving circles in the Yankee Stadium parking lot yelling on a bull horn with a trophy trailing his car)
George: Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing! You all stink. You can sit on it... and, rotate! This is George Costanza! I fear no reprisal! Extension 5-1-7-0!!
Valerie: Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews.
Jerry: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up. Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
Valerie: I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.
Jerry: Yeah, it got a good laugh.
S08E21 - The Muffin Tops (Quotes)
George: All right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft russeling.
George: It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent.
(during Kramer's reality bus tour)
Kramer: We have a bonus ultra-reality stop today. We're going to be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.
Tourist We're going to a garbage dump?
Kramer: And we're off!
Jerry: You know, I never thought he'd be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.
George: (referring to Mary Anne's statement that New York would 'eat him alive') We'll see who can make it in this town.
Jerry: What is it she thinks you can't do?
George: Find a job, get an apartment.
Jerry: How did you do those things?
Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.
George: Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?
Jerry: Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.
George: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
George: Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.
Jerry: Oh right, the new job, how is it?
George: I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry:So who's the new you?
George: They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
S08E22 - The Summer of George (Quotes)
Jerry: When I went to pick her up there was this dude.
George: How do you know it was her dude?
Jerry: What, do you think it could've been just some dude?
George: Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen.
Jerry: I reckon.
George: Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude.
George: Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?
George: Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves.
Jerry: I'm trying.
Jerry: Can you believe she expected me to squire her around town while the dude sits at home in swaddling clothes?
George: Do they make swaddling clothes for adults?
Jerry: It's like she's split the job of boyfriend into two jobs. Except the dude's playing the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beverage.
S09E01 - The Butter Shave (Quotes)
Elaine: (to Puddy) Please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable lasagna here knows it.
Vegetable Lasagna: (apologetically) I don't want to get involved.
Elaine: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!
Vegetable Lasagna: Oh god.
Jerry: They think you're handicapped? How can you do this?
George: Jerry, let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage, huh?! There was a guy that worked at the Yankees...NO ARMS. He got more work done than I did! Made more money. Had a wife, a family. Drove a better car than I did!
Jerry: He drove a car with no arms?!
George: Alright I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. He hated me anyway!
Jerry: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?
George: What is Holland?
Jerry: What do you mean, what is it? It's a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that's the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland is the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?
(Newman smells food in the air and thinks it's coming from Jerry's apartment)
Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us, and I say 'why?'. Are we really so different...
Jerry: I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.
Newman: Damn you Seinfeld. You're a useless pustule.
(Kramer starts rubbing a stick of
Jerry's butter across his face)
Jerry: Wait a minute. Do I have to ask?
Kramer: Well, I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosey?
Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?
Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
Jerry: Oh, Moses smell the roses!
(Phone rings, Jerry answers.)
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! NO!!! Thank you.(hangs up) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.
S09E02 - The Voice (Quotes)
Kramer: You remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries?
Kramer: Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.
Jerry: But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
Elaine: (referring to her latest run-in with Puddy) It's an isolated sexual incident. We are not back together!
Jerry: Then what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamourous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Kramer: I come up with these things, I know they're gold but nothing happens. You know why?
Jerry: No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains, no...
Kramer: No, no time! It's all these menial tasks. Laundry, grocery shopping, coming in here and talking to you. You have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I can ballpark it.
George: You broke up with her? Why?
Jerry: So we could do the voice. La-la-la. What's the matter?
George: I think I'm getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? "Hello? La-la-la?"
Jerry: No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
George: I think I like the girl better than the voice.
Jerry: There's Claire!
George: And there's Kramer.
Jerry: And there's the rubber ball... its going to fall right on top of her! Claire! CLAIRE! HELLO?! HELLOOOO?
Claire: (Not looking up) I don't believe this! I'm not looking up if you're going to use that voice!
Jerry: (As the rubber ball is dropped) This is going to be a shame...
Kramer: Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Darren: Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hands, using it to wash up. (Jerry stops drinking mid-sip) Then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry spits out water).
George: (on phone after breaking into office) Hello Marjorie, George Costanza. How are you sweetheart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? If he needs me, tell him: "I'M IN MY OFFICE!!!"
Dean Jones: It seems to me that Kramerica Industries is little more than a solitary man in a messy apartment, which may or may not contain a chicken!
Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!
S09E03 - The Serenity Now (Quotes)
Jerry:I don't know what's happening to me.
Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come
with it. It's like Endora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too.
Jerry: Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
Patty: I think you are.
Jerry: Well, I'm not.
Patty: Yes, you are, liar.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
Patty: OK, liar.
Jerry: That's enough!
Patty: Ooh that was good.
Jerry: Really? It felt good.
Frank: SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!
George: "Serenity now?" What's that?
Frank: I got a tape on how to lower my blood pressure. Whenever it starts to get too high, the man on the tape said to say, "SERENITY NOW!"
George: Are you supposed to shout it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
S09E04 - The Blood (Quotes)
(when she finds out Kramer is babysitting instead of her)
Elaine: I'm more responsible than you are!
Kramer: Don't be ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood.
Jerry: So, how's the Fornicating Gourmet?
George: Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
George: Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.
Jerry: Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.
George: Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.
Jerry: Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying oneof somebody else's?
S09E05 - The Junk Mail (Quotes)
Kramer: How many miles?
Kramer: City or highway?
Jerry: Look, do you really wanna buy this thing or what?
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy! I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now!
Puddy: You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.
Elaine: Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.
Puddy: Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman?
Jerry: So, you wanna grab a bite?
George: I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
Jerry: So call now.
George : I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes; a few "you were rights". It's a whole procedure.
S09E06 - The Merv Griffin Show (Quotes)
Kramer: We're like Cain and Abel.
Jerry: You know Cain slew Abel.
Kramer: No he didn't. They were in business together...drywall or something.
Jerry: The way I remember it, Abel worked all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when winter came, Abel had all the nuts. Cain had no nuts. So he killed him.
Kramer: See, the way I remember it, Cain - he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr Abel.
Jerry: You broke my blender, didn't you?
Kramer: Yeah, I was trying to make gravel, and it just, didn't work out.
Newman: Lately I've been eating the generic brand of wax beans. I rip off the label and, I can't tell the difference...
Kramer: Well we've officially bottomed-out. Who's our next guest?
Newman: We've got no one!
Kramer: We need a new foremat. We should shut down and re-tool.
(Kramer pulls the plug and the show goes dark)
Newman: What about a guest-host?
Kramer: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
S09E07 - The Slicer (Quotes)
S09E08 - The Betrayal (Quotes)
Kramer: Franklin Delano Romanowski: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George: Stink eye?
Jerry: Crook eye?
Kramer: Evil eye.
Elaine: I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine: What combination?
Jerry: *mimes drinking schnapps*
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you.
Kramer: I'm goin' to Newman's!
Jerry: (follows Kramer) Great, I love Newman!
George: (whispering) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!
Jerry: That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.
Jerry: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George: Oh, it's a bad day. You got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!"
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Every day is my birthday.
Elaine: Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all ancient history.
George: (very loud) You slept with the groom?!
*room goes silent*
S09E09 - The Apology (Quotes)
Jerry: He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
George: Probably because this whole universe is against me!
Jerry: I think you've got a little rage.
George: I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!
George: (about Henke) Instead of an apology, he was be-boppin' and scattin' all over me.
Kramer: You went to the coffee shop without me? I told you I just wanted to hop in the shower.
Jerry: That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
Kramer: Showering. How long's it take you?
Jerry: Ten minutes.
Kramer: Ten minutes? That's kooky talk.
(on Kramers show routine)
Jerry: You're probably wasting time working piece-meal, first cleaning one area and then another.
Kramer: Well, that's how cats do it.
Jerry: But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity.
Elaine: (about her co-worker) This is all in her mind, okay? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah... She's a whacko.
Kramer: (observing men in a gym shower) Oh yeah yeah, I'm watching you too, but this guy's really showing me something.
Henke: Alright George, alright. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal size neckhole of my finely knit sweater.
George: So she coughed.
Jerry: Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man.
George: Everything goes with naked.
Jerry: When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.
George:You spoiled spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?
Jerry: But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad.
S09E10 - The Strike (Quotes)
George: (on Gwen) She's a two-face.
Jerry: Like the Batman villain?
George: (condescending) If that helps you.
Jerry: So if I ask her out again, I don't know who's showing up -- the good, the bad, or the ugly.
Jerry: When George was growing up, his father hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
Elaine: Oh... and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
Jerry: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized!(Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
Kramer: (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
Jerry: Nice cuff links, by the way.
George: Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!
Jerry: That's not a French cuff shirt, you know.
George: I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.
Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. And as I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll.
Frank: It was destroyed, but out of this came a new holiday, 'a Festivus for the rest-of-us.'
Kramer: That must of been some doll.
Frank: SHE was!
Frank: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Kramer: And is there a tree?
Frank: No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Frank: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the cassette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard.)
Frank: Read that poem.
George: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
Frank: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!
Estelle: Leave him alone!
Frank: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.
(George has a break down)
George: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
Frank: We had some good times.
S09E11 - The Dealership (Quotes)
(Jerry is trying to finalize the deal for his new car with Puddy just after Puddy and Elaine break up again)
Jerry: Did you two break up?
Puddy: That chick's whacked, we're history. I just left out a couple of things. Rust-proofing...
Puddy: Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's fee...
Jerry: Finder's fee!? It was on the lot!
Puddy: Yeah, that's right. Floor mats, keys...
Puddy: How ya gonna start it?
Elaine: You're a salesman now - and the high-five is... it's very grease monkey.
Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
Elaine: I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
Puddy: (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You. Stupid.
Elaine: Well, that is really mature.
Puddy: Yeah? So are you.
Puddy: You're the grease monkey.
Elaine: (Confused at his attempts at a comeback) Uh.. that doesn't make any sense. I am leaving.
Puddy: Yeah, if you leave, we're through.
Elaine: Fine! We're through!
Puddy: Oh, so you're leaving?
Elaine: (While leaving) That's right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five!(Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side!(As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin' me to Arby's.
Jerry: So Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more 'grease monkey.'
Puddy: I don't care for that term.
Jerry: Oh sorry, I didn't know.
Puddy: I don't know too many monkeys that can take apart a fuel injector.
S09E12 - The Reverse Peephole (Quotes)
(On the phone with George, Jerry can hear the massage chair in the background)
Jerry: What is that noise?
George: That's my toaster. I gotta go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Jerry hangs up the phone)
Jerry: You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me.
George: Oh, so now I have to buy the whole chair by myself?
Jerry: No, you don't have to buy anything.
George: I already bought it! I've been lying to you for three days and now you're all screwin' me!
Jerry: I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?
George: I needed it. My back is...a little tweaked.
Jerry: Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it.
George: Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.
Jerry: Your good friend is morbidly obese.
George: (taking out his wallet) Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me.
Jerry: Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.
George: (putting his wallet back in his pocket) This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.
Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in.
Newman: To prevent an ambush.
Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
(Puddy approaches Elaine wearing a cheap (probably vinyl) sports coat)
Elaine: What is that?
Puddy: It's my new coat.
Elaine: What happened to the fur?
Puddy: Oh, I saw Jerry wearing a fur coat and he looked like kind of a dandy. Hey, check it out (turns around revealing a large 8-Ball on the back) 8-Ball! You gotta question...you ask the 8-ball.
Elaine: Are you gonna wear that, all the time?
Puddy: ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES...hahaha high five!
Elaine: So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.
Jerry: Because you threw it out.
Elaine: No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's insane!
Jerry: But you did actually throw his coat out the window?
Elaine: But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows someone stole it, and that's the person who should be held responsible.
Jerry: But that's you.
Elaine: So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.
Jerry: Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
Silvio: That is your coat?
Jerry: It sure is.
Silvio: Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!
S09E13 - The Cartoon (Quotes)
Elaine: He said I could submit some of my own cartoons.
Jerry: Wow, that's incredible. But you don't draw.
Elaine: I do too.
Jerry: What, your sad little horsies? The house with the little curl of smoke? The sunflower with the smiley face. The transparent cube.
Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!
Sally: (seeing the silent Kramer at the coffee shop) Hey, you're Jerry's friend. You're kooky. Mind if I sit? My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? You should, everybody else has. And you know what? I got recognized the other day! How weird is that? I know, at first I liked the attention, but it's like, 'Whoa, take three steps back, get a life, OK?' But then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean? But who am I, anyway? I mean, there's Sally Weaver the woman, Sally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person--
Kramer: (abruptly) Now, you got to shut up!
Jerry: (on Sally's quitting the business) She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejection and failure till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
Kramer: What do I need to talk for, huh? What, to blab to the neighbors about how George has a new femme Jerry friend? To tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend? See now, I've done all that. Now it's time for silence.
George: Silence, yes!
S09E14 - The Strong Box (Quotes)
Jerry: You were in the Army?
Kramer: Oh. Well, would you look at that? Guess I forgot to lock it.
Jerry: You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?
Kramer: Well, this is one for the books.
Maura: A relationship is like launching nuclear missiles from a submarine, you both have to turn your key.
George: Turn your key Maura!
Maura: I'm afraid I can't do that.
George: TURN YOUR KEY!
George: (giving up) ...alright...
George: Maura I uh, I want you to know I've given this a lot of thought I'm sorry, but we uh we have to break up.
George: What's that?
Maura: We're not breaking up.
George: We're not?
George: (pauses for a moment) Alright.
Jerry: Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! And who buries a bird?
Kramer: Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator.
Jerry: Just get the key and let's get out here.
Kramer: You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence.
Jerry: You killed Fredo!
Kramer: Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't have eaten that key.
Jerry: Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird. What are we gonna do?
Kramer: You just answered your own question.
Jerry: Oh, no...
Kramer: (walking towards his apartment) I'll get the shovel.
(Jerry getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and seeing Phil get in with him.)
Jerry: So you do live here.
(going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence. Jerry, getting off the elevator at the same floor as Phil.)
Jerry: You live on this floor?
(Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's)
Jerry: So you live right... there.
Jerry: So I guess I'll see-
(Phil goes into his apartment as he slams the door behind him)
George: You can already start up a conversation with Jerry Lewis-you guys have the same first name.
Jerry: That won't work...
George: That's not what I said when I met George Peppard last week.
Jerry: George Peppard has been dead for years.
George: Well whoever I was talking to sure knew a lot about The A-Team!!!
S09E15 - The Wizard (Quotes)
Helen: I'll fix ya something. How about feta cheese omelet?
Kramer: Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry: You feed him, he'll never leave!
Helen: I don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and egg beaters?
Kramer: (pouts) I guess...
Kramer: Polls close in an hour; I think we got this baby all sewn up. (fishes a wizard out of his pocket) There was one extra. (shakes head) Norman Bergerman...he won't be leaving any tips where he is.
Elaine: (to Darryl) You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.
Darryl: We are. Because you're Hispanic.
Elaine: I am?
Darryl: Aren't you?
Elaine: No. Why would you think that?
Darryl: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.
Elaine: That's because I thought you were black.
(At night, George is out outside his car with the Rosses on the beach)
Mr. Ross: Where are we, George?
George: Almost there.
Mr. Ross: Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?
George: We, uh, we go on foot from here.
Mr. Ross: All right.
(Few seconds of silence)
George There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.
Mr. Ross: We know.
George: Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?
Mrs. Ross: We don't like you, George.
Mr. Ross: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.
Mr. Ross: All right! Let's head back.
Elaine: So Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes.
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
S09E16 - The Burning (Quotes)
(Mickey starts the fight with Kramer about the both of them getting gonorrhea and are fighting on the floor.)
Student: (points to Kramer) Um, cirrosis in the liver and (points to Mickey) PCP addiction.
George Costanza: Don't you even care? This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the "R" fell off and all it says now is K--uger.
Mr. Kruger: K-uger? That sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? (pretends to honk a horn) K-oogah! K-oogah! (snickers)
George: Ohh! Ohh! You are too much Mr. Kruger. Too much!
Kruger: Thank you George, you've been great. (gets up and leaves on a high note)
George: What? No, no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger.
Kruger: It's K-UGER!
George: I had 'em Jerry. They loved me.
Jerry: And then?
George: I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.
Jerry: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off.
George: Pull the old switcheroo.
Jerry: I think that's 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander.'
George: What the hell is a gander anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her.
Jerry: Hi, Sophie. It's me.
Sophie: Hey, Rafe.
Jerry: (to George) She thinks it's someone named Rafe.
George: Go on, go on. Let her think it.
Jerry: (disguising his voice) So, uh, what's going on?
Sophie: Not a whole lot.
George: (whispering) Ask about you! Ask about you!
Jerry: So, how are things going with Jerry?
Sophie: Oh, I really like him. But I still haven't told him the tractor story.
Jerry: Right, right, the tractor story.
Sophie: Are you sick, Rafe? You sound kinda funny.
Jerry: I sound funny?
George: (whispering) Abort! Abort!
Jerry: Yeah, I better get to a doctor. Bye.
S09E17 - The Bookstore (Quotes)
George: I can't return the book. It's been flagged in every Brentano's in town. So instead I'm going to steal it, return it, get my money back, and then everything will be even.
Jerry: You defile one book, steal another, get your money back, and that seems even to you?
Charity Worker: This book has been in a bathroom!
George: What are you talking about?
Charity Worker: It's been flagged. I know, I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here; it's bad enough we've got some guy out there trying to strap a rickshaw to 'em!
Kramer: Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he phhhffew! He bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 85% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fall within the first three months.
Kramer (to Newman): See, we should've gotten some collateral from him...like his bag of cans, or...his other bag of cans...
S09E18 - The Frogger (Quotes)
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, Sir?
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grifts in the book: the Entenmanns's Shim Sham.
Slippery Pete: What's that?
George: The outlet?
Slippery Pete: Mm-hmm.
George: That's where the electricity comes out.
Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.
Shlomo: Which one's the bathroom?
George: Uh, here.
Shlomo: They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh.
George: The Frogger is here.
Kramer: George, I thought that was the door.
Slippery Pete: Where are all the pizza ovens?
Shlomo: I thought the bathroom was here.
Elaine: Do you think we can fill the void in our lives with flour, sugar, eggs and vanilla? I mean, we're all unhappy; do we have to be fat too? (looks at Becky who is fat and is standing in the crowd) Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism.
George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never going to have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.
Kramer: Believe me George; you can count on Slippery Pete.
George: Slippery Pete?
Kramer: Yeah, I don't care for the name either.
Jerry: Hey George, how are you going to keep the machine plugged in?
Jerry: Well, when you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
George: You're right. Why must there always be a problem. You'd think just once I'd catch a break. God knows I earned it with that score.
Elaine: Guess what I ate!
George: An ostrich burger?
Elaine: No, a $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at the Duke and Duchess of Windsor auction. It's the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.
Jerry: How did it taste?
Elaine: A little stale.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, is the item still with you?
Elaine: As far as I know.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you know what happens when a cake sits in a damp, poorly ventilated cellar for 60 years?
Elaine: (frightened) No.
Mr. Peterman: (letting her off the hook but smugly adds) Very well. I have the feeling what you're about to go through is punishment enough.
(Elaine stands there weakly.)
Mr. Peterman: (smugly tosses remote away) Dismissed.
Kramer: More bad news, Jerry. You know, the police - they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park... I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you!
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me!
Kramer: Not as many as there used to be!
S09E19 - The Maid (Quotes)
S09E20 - The Puerto Rican Day (Quotes)
Kramer: Okay, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I'm sorry" wave.
Jerry: What's that?
Kramer: You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.
George: (Yells out) That's gotta hurt! (Audience stops laughing) It's... gotta hurt! Hurt! Because.. Aaarrrrrgh! Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!
S09E21 - The Chronicle (Part 1) (Quotes)
S09E22 - The Chronicle (Part 2) (Quotes)
S09E23 - The Finale (Part 1) (Quotes)
Newman: All right, but hear me and hear me well. The day will come - oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning will come, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I will be there, in all my glory. Watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
Jerry: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open door urination policy, let me disabuse you of this notion right now my friend!
George: You're so uptight.
Jerry: Yeah uptight. Let's all just have a big pee-party! ... "Hey everybody grab a bucket, we're going up to Jerry's ... it's a big pee-party!"
George: When is it going to be my turn Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes?! I want my 15 minutes!
Jerry: Oh quit complaining, at least you have your health.
George: Oh Health's not good enough! I want more health more than health! Health's not doing it for me anymore! I'm sick of health!
George: I'm not getting on a regular plane now. I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.
Elaine: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.
George: First class doesn't make it anymore. (to Jerry) Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one--the "Ted Danson" plane.
Elaine: (Picking up the phone) I'm gonna call Jill before we go.
Jerry: You can't make a call that important while you're walking out the door! You can't rush that conversation, that's worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk!
Elaine: Well I can't call her from the limo, can I call her from the plane?
Jerry: First you call her from the street, then she loses a call-waiting face off and now you're talking about a plane call?
Elaine: (giving up) Alright then I guess I'll call her from Paris.
S09E24 - The Finale (Part 2) (Quotes)
Jerry: See now to me that button is in the worst possible spot.
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high. Its no mans no land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
(This is the same conversation the series opened up with between Jerry and George in "The Seinfeld Chronicles".
Steinbrenner: He had one little problem though (speaking about George). He was a communist! Pink as they come! Like a big juicy steak!
Frank Costanza: HOW COULD YOU GIVE 12 MILLION DOLLARS TO HIDEKI IRABU?!!!!
Marla: Well... I heard of a... of a... oh I can't!
Prosecutor: It's alright, just... slowly...
Marla: I was... made aware of a-a contest, between the four of them. In which they... to see who could go the longest without--oh I can't do it! It's too embarrassing!
Prosecutor: Its okay, it'll be okay just tell us what happened.
Marla: To see who could go the longest without... gratifying themselves!
(The court reels back in disgust)
Jackie Chiles: Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?
George: It makes me look older.
Jackie Chiles: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you a moral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.
(Walking to their cell)
Jerry: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back.
Kramer: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Eliza Doolittle.
Elaine: Why don't you just blow it out your...
(Epilogue, on stage in the prison)
Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner 1: I am.
Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner 2: Murder one.
Jerry: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?
Prisoner 3: Grand theft auto.
Jerry: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.
Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
Guard: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
Jerry: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria