S03E11 - The Alternate Side

No: 28  |   Season: 3   Episode: 11  |   Air Date: 4-Dec-1991  |   Production #310

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Summary

Jerry's car is stolen and the criminal picks up his car phone. George decides to take a fill-in job moving cars from one side of the street to the other; this turns into a disaster for local traffic flow. Kramer gets a chance to do a line in a Woody Allen film; "these pretzels are making me thirsty." Elaine gets tired of her 66-year-old boyfriend and when she is about to break up with him, he has a stroke.

Director and Writers

Director: Tom Cherones
Writers: Larry David and Bill Masters

Quotes

Elaine: Guess who I bumped into. Owen.
George: He's alright?
Elaine: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex.

Sid: (to George) Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on?

George: (taking the lunch check) Here, let me get that. I smashed your car, cost you $2,000...
Jerry: Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover that.

Elaine: So, was Mia Farrow there?
Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.

Jerry / Elaine / Kramer / George: These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Assistant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here, that's why you have the reservation.
Car Rental Assistant: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to TAKE the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Elaine: (singing to Owen) Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans.

Elaine: Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?
Jerry: Well, I'll tell ya, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.

Rental Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.

Jerry: (Closing monologue) I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question.
George: Do I smell?

George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
Kramer: He said, "Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?"

Elaine: (on Owen) I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him. (scene changes) I just don't enjoy being with him.

Agent: Sir, if you had read the contract...
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It was like the Declaration of Independence! Who's gonna read that?

Kramer: I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
Jerry: You mean a career.

Jerry: (Opening monologue) Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me? I would like a car alarm like that.

Jerry: Owen March? I never heard of him.
Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player.

Elaine: (on Owen) You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?

Jerry: That's my car!
Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Car thief: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Car thief: Hmmm, nah. I'm gonna keep it.

Elaine: I'll be ostracized from the community.
Jerry: What community? There's a community?
Elaine: Of course there's a community.
Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.

Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth?

Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Elaine: Hmm... how's the pasta over there?

Notes and Trivia

Larry David came up with the Woody Allen storyline based on his actual experiences working with Allen.

According to Jerry Seinfeld, this is his least favorite episode of the series as the scenes involving Owen March made him uncomfortable.

Jerry Seinfeld credits the phrase, "These pretzels are making me thirsty," as the first of the show's many catch phrases. In fact, during the subsequent shows in his stand-up tour, audience members would yell out this line at nearly every performance.

When Jerry talks to the car thief on the phone, Larry David supplies the voice of the man who stole Jerry's car.

George wears a jersey with "Broadway Bound" on it in the first scene. In fact, Jason Alexander played Stanley in the original Broadway cast of Neil Simon's play 'Broadway Bound'.

The episode title refers to a parking regulation whereby parking is banned on one side of the street on a particular day to allow for its cleaning and on the other (or alternate) side on a different day.

Goofs

When Kramer first enters Jerry's apartment, he leaves the door open. Miraculously, the door is closed a few moments later.

When Sid enters Jerry's apartment, he immediately starts talking and forgets to close the door. When the camera moves with Jerry to the refrigerator, the door is now closed.

Cast

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