Seinfeld Quotes
All quotes from the hit show "Seinfeld"
Jerry: Women know what men want,men know what men want. What do we want? We want women!
Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
Kramer (Kessler): You got any meat?
Jerry: Meat? I don't, I don't know, go... hunt!
Jerry: Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.
George: Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"?
Jerry: Yeah, but...
George: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman.
George: (to Jerry) I can't believe you want to bring in an extra bed for a woman who wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too?!
George: Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried?
Jerry: No, no, no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.
George: You're gonna over dry it.
Jerry: You, you can't over dry.
George: Why not?
Jerry: Same as you can't over wet. You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over die, you can't over dry.
Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I... I... I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little... everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.
George: What, it was purple, I liked it. I don't actually recall considering the button!
Jerry: Oh you don't recall?
George: Uh no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well senator I'd just like to know what you knew and when you knew it.
Clair: Trust me George, no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.
Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?
Jerry: Oh, I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly.
Vanessa: How masculine.
Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves. I don't want to expose my tattoos.
Jerry: What's that one?
Elaine: "Cocoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there...
Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she's probably screaming at those aliens, "I gotta have a Lo Mein!"
Jerry: (opening bit) I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these... is this of any value at all?
Jerry: (to himself) What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's too good to be alone. What's the difference, I can't maneuver anyway with Elaine next to me.
Jerry: Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's.
Vanessa: How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop?
Jerry: I'm in for five.
Vanessa: I'll supply the hat.
Jerry: (to himself) Uh-oh. What do we have here?
Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.
Elaine: Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry.
Pamela: Yes, we met.
Jerry: Hi, happy birthday.
Pamela: Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
Guests: Hi!
Jerry: I didn't bring anything.
George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh, railroads, uh...
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can...
Jerry: "Quone"?
Helen: ...30...31...
Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
(Jerry picks up the dictionary.)
Helen: ...32...
Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry: I am challenging.
Kramer: Quone. To quone something.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
(Jerry looks up the word.)
Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore.
Morty: Quone's not a word.
Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Helen: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.
Jerry: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Elaine: C'mon lets go, c'mon...
Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something?
Elaine: You could have.
Jerry: I met her one time...
Elaine: It is not necessary.
Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Vandelay!
Jerry: Corvelay!
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!
Elaine: A wedding!? Have you lost it, man?
Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or let's say,especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, "Look, a rabbit". The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card".
"Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night? Okay?"
Elaine: What do you think their parents think?
Jerry: "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?" "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy."
George: Art...Core.
Jerry: Art Core?
George: ...velay.
Jerry: Corevelay?
Larry: I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.
George: We're really glad for you.
Elaine: Couldn't be happier.
Jerry: It's wonderful.
Elaine: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a break from my roommate.
George: Oh, the actress-waitress.
Elaine: No, the waitress-actress.
(Response when he realizes his answering machine was stolen)
Jerry: I hate the thought of someone out there returning my calls.
Elaine: Excuse me, uh, I don't mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?
Elaine: (claps hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.
Jerry: I am the master packer.
Jerry: So I move into the center lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and... (Jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) "Look at that toe, buddy." (He puts his foot down.) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it?
Jerry: You could take it? You want it?
George: No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.
Jerry: So you do want it.
George: No I, I want it if you don't want it!
Jerry: You just said, you wanted it!
Kramer: I said, "I know about the stuff," you know, so he'd take me into his confidence.
Elaine: What did he say?
Kramer: "What stuff?"
Jerry: Oh, case closed.
Kramer: Well, I got caught up watching a soap opera... The Bold and the Beautiful.
Elaine: Excuse me, master packer!
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: Just gimme your keys.
Kramer: I'm human...
Jerry: In your way.
Elaine: She just got some part in some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing: (breathless singing) "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". (stops singing) She's gonna get it right in her...
Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Clapco 8000. It's the most powerful lock they make. It has only one design flaw...the door...MUST BE CLOSED!!
Policeman: Well, Mr. Seinfeld, we'll look into it and, uh, we'll let you know if we find anything.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Policeman: No.
Jerry: How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe of buying a new TV and smash it over my head.
Elaine: Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden.
George: A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!
Jerry: Would I have to get a gardener?
Elaine: Yeah, you can get a gardener.
Jerry: You tip him?
Jerry: (giving house sitting instructions) One last thing, Benes. Regarding sexual activity...strictly prohibited, but, if you absolutely must, do us all a favor and do it in the tub.
Jerry: And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
Policeman: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer is that 'bout it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of someone out there returning my calls.
George: I go to visit my grandparents. They're having big brisket sandwiches; I'm sitting here with a carrot!
Kramer: Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tea. If I don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the police.
Jerry: OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW!
Kramer: Yeah! (runs off)
Elaine: You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here.
Elaine: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.
Jerry: (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here?
Elaine: Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel Merman without the talent.
Jerry: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one.
Jerry: The hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower.
Elaine: Jerry, you can barbecue back here (points to garden).
Jerry: They deliver the coal?
Elaine: Sure, it's... probably the same guy, who delivers the wood.
Jerry: Oh, than I gotta tip him.
Diane: How, how could you guys have turned this place down, it's such a great location and it's so close to the park.
George: We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes.
George: (screaming) WHY DID I PUT UP TWO? WHY DID I PUT UP TWO?!!!
Jerry: How do you get all that wood in here?
Elaine: They deliver it.
Jerry: They deliver wood?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: What da ya tip a "wood guy"?
Jerry: (turns around and sees George) How did you get in here?
George: (does some hand and arm motions)
George: She calls me up at my office, she says, 'We have to talk.'
Jerry: Uch, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or 'Whose bra is this?'
Elaine: Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?
Jerry: Where?
Elaine: I don't care. I'm not hungry.
Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Elaine: What are we gonna do there, talk?
Jerry: We can talk.
Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Jerry: Then we'll just sit there.
Jerry: (on George's fanny pack) Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
George: Can you change this (penny jug) into bills?
Bank Teller: I'm sorry sir, we can't do that.
George: Look, they did this for me before!
Bank Teller: Look, I can give you these (penny rolls) and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll 6,000 of these?! What should I quit my job?!
George: You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600 degree oven.
Kramer: It's all supervised!
Jerry: I was ten... I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table.
Jerry: Listen, Joel. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Jerry: I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some sort of "excuse Rolodex."
Jerry: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please."
Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
Jerry: Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, a Phillips-head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites; they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."
George: Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel.
George: I know a guy who took a vacation on his change.
Jerry: Yeah, Where'd he go, an arcade?
Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?
Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart anyway? What do they do? Because they're clean? I'm sorry. My uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to 10 so don't give me hygiene.
Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed... I'm sure he's got super humor.
George: ...a robot butcher.
Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?
Jerry: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?
Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?
Jerry: I can't find the receipt.
Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.
Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?
Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. Just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.
Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned!
Dry Cleaner: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing --
Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.
Jerry: What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
Jerry: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times.
Nurse: Mr. Costanza, the doctor will see you now.
George: (sarcastically) Yeah... doctor...
Jerry: The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room
George: Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a band-aid: one motion, right off!
Jerry: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George: Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.
Jerry: I'm always in traffic with the lane expert, you know this person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure "is this the best lane for me for my life?". Always a little bit ahead of you; "can I get in over there, can I get ahead of you, can I get in there?". Yeah, come on over here pal, we're zooming over here! This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
George: I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him.
Elaine: Really?
George: Yes.
Elaine: Would you do that?
George: If I was a different person.
Elaine: You're a little homophobic aren't ya?
George: Is it that obvious?
Jerry: You know, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.
Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
George: It was like I was making a prison break. You know... and I'm... I'm heading for the wall... and I trip and I twist my ankle... and they throw that light on you. So, somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard towers. (Mocks a rifle cocking) Son-of-a-bang... son-of-a-boom! I get to the top of the wall -- the front door. I open it up, I'm one-foot away, I take one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped.
George: I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen?
Jerry: A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob.
Jerry: The apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.
George: I had nothing to do with any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it, I knew it would only get me in deeper, but they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cusin.. this is my bruther.. this is my father..." It's like I'm in quicksand!
Elaine: Did you get a haircut?
Jerry: Nope. Shower.
George: Believe me. Boy-boy-girl? It doesn't look good.
Jerry: I hate anybody who had a pony growing up.
Manya: I had a pony!
Jerry: Well, I didn't mean a pony per se...
Manya: When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony. So, what's wrong with that?
Jerry: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just expressing...
Helen: Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee?
Manya: He was a beautiful pony. And I loved him!
Jerry: Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person who had a pony?
Manya: You! You said so!
George: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Helen: (to Jerry) At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave.
Morty: How come he gets to leave?
(George, Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a table. Jerry and George are wearing baseball uniforms.)
George: Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of.
Jerry: It's never happened to me before.
Elaine: I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?"
Jerry: I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
(George consults his stat sheet of the game)
George: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
Jerry: I thought there were two outs.
Elaine: I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
Jerry: It was the single worst moment of my life.
George: What about Sharon Besser?
Jerry: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen seventy three.
Elaine: Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it?
Jerry: Wonder about what?
Elaine: You know... (looking up) the spirit world.
Jerry: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
Elaine: I never saw anyone play like that.
Jerry: But I went to the funeral.
Elaine: Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her.
George: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
Jerry: Don't you think she would've heard I was there?
George: Not necessarily.
(pause)
Jerry: Who figures an immigrant's gonna have a pony?
(Elaine laughs)
Jerry: I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.
Morty: I don't know her either. She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
George: I cannot envision any circumstance in which I however have the opportunity to have sex again.
Elaine: And what about the pony huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that?
Jerry: They're like big riding dogs.
Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
Jerry: He talks about him like he split the atom. He works for the Parks Department.
Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong?
Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving, He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
Jerry: These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
Mr. Benes: Are you working?
Elaine: Yeah, I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times.
Mr. Benes: Pendant, those bastards!
George: And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not gonna ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores George's questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars? You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket? All right, fine. (George heads for the door) I'm walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent) Oh, ho! All right! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand.
Mr. Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific... There's nothing funny about that.
George: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.
Mr. Benes: Drivel.
George: Maybe some parts.
Mr. Benes: What parts?
George: The drivel parts.
Elaine: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunched heterosexuality. It's fabulous.
Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"
George: (mocking Alton Benes) He's in the bathroom.
Jerry: How are we going to get out of it?
George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
Mr. Benes: Pipe down, chorus boy.
George: (singing) Master of the house, doling out the charm...
(later)
Mr. Benes: (singing) Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
George: Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year.
Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for coffee?
George: No, thanks, I can't drink coffee late at night. It keeps me up.
George: "Coffee"'s not coffee, "coffee" is sex!
George: (to Carol) Jerry has a fear of public toilets.
George: Tippy Toe, Lemon Tree.
Jerry: Kramer, this is Donna.
Kramer: (snaps fingers) Cotton Dockers!
Jerry: I'm lactose intolerant. I have no tolerance for lactose... and I won't stand for it!
Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial.
Jerry: (sarcastic) Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!"
Carol: (to George) That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?
Elaine: (to George) I don't know what your parents did to you.
Jerry: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me; I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone
Kramer: One hundred percent cotton-Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.
Jerry: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, 'Gee, you look pregnant... are ya?' 'Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!'
Kramer: Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.
Jerry: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It just coming in and coming in. Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control... That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They came over Friday nights, Klingon boxing, gotta be there.
Jerry: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.
George: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Jerry: (to Kramer) You're not normal. I love you, but you're a pod.
Elaine: She died?
Jerry: She died.
Elaine: She died!!
Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me.
Jerry: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage!
George: Of course, we all do.
Kramer: I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne: (Yelling out the window) You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
George: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
Jerry: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.
George: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.
George: I'd like to have a kid ... 'course you have to have a date first.
Jerry: (about the marathon) Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.
Jerry: Come in (the coffee shop) for two minutes and sit with me.
George: I was just in there. It's embarrassing.
Jerry: Oh, who's gonna know?
George: They saw me walk out.
Harold: It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there for a month.
Jerry: She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?
Harold: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't have a wig on... It was horrifying.
Harold: (to Manny) I told you I don't like these sponges -- they're too small! I want a big sponge! You can't pick up anything with these! There's no absorption!
Kramer: Tell me the truth: have you ever seen a better looking guy?
Jerry: Looks are so subjective.
Roxanne: The marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Yes, particularly if you're not in it.
Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm a cop, I'm a good cop, I'M A DAMN GOOD COP!
George: (to Jerry about Ray) Remember, don't take any crap.
George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
Man on Elevator: Will you put that cigarette out?!
Rava: Maybe I put it out on your face!
Jerry: Hey, you know, you owe me one.
George: What?
Jerry: The Ink-A-Dink. You were "It"!
George: "It"'s bad?
Jerry: "It's" very bad!
Rava: My mother left us when I was six years old--all seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.
Jerry: My mom's down in Florida.
George: Students can't clean. It's anathema. (explaining) They don't like it.
Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
Jerry: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.
George: Yeah, he'll have my parents.
Kramer: (shouting) And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning! Any more of this criminal activity and you'll be sorry! You got me?
Ray: Got you? I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
Kramer: (slightly nervous) Good, good. Let's, uh, keep it that way.
George: There's just no justice. This experience has changed me! It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded!
Jerry: Really?
George: Sure, why not...
Jerry: (to Rava) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight.
Elaine: Oh, probably caught in traffic.
Rava: Or maybe he's dead.
Jerry: So what do you write, children's books?
Ray: Greetings, greetings and salutations! I beg your forgiveness, my tardiness was unavoidable. And you must be Jerry, Lord of the manor. My Liege, a pleasure to serve you. Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in the heaven upon your safe arrival, Sire.
Kramer: Just make love to that wall pervert.
Jerry: The best revenge is living well.
George: There's no chance of that.
Rick: (to George) You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here, and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner, and you'll always be a loser.
Jerry: So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?
George: This is just like what they do in the movies.
Kramer: Well... Newman jumped last night.
Jerry: What? Did you talk to him? What did you say?
Kramer: I said 'Wave when you pass my window.'
Jerry: You got a "mickey" source?
George: Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.
Kramer: (about a suicidal friend) What am I supposed to do? Tell him how much there is to live for? Why should I lie to the guy?
Jerry: (about the laundromat's "Not Responsible For Items Lost Or Stolen" sign) Oh, I see, so you put up a sign and you can steal whatever you want. You're not a part of society.
Laundromat Owner: That's right, cause this is my country, I'm the president, and that's my constitution: "I'm not responsible."
George: I like horses. I could be a stable boy.
(thinking)
George: Nah, it's probably a union thing.
Newman: Kramer!
Kramer: Oh! That's Newman.
Newman: I'm on the roof!
Kramer: Well? What are you waiting for?
Kramer: You wanna shoot some pool tonight?
Newman: I can't, I'm goin' to the movies.
Rick: Is that Costanza over there?
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies... what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.
George: What about like an announcer? Like a color man? You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game?
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: So? What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and, ya know, people in broadcasting.
George: That's really not fair.
Jerry: (to Kramer) You're like Lex Luthor!
George: I'm emotional!
Jerry: That's right. You're emotional!
Elaine: So I'm going to a nudist colony next week.
Rick: Nudist colony?
Elaine: Oh yeah, yeah I love nudist colonies they help me unwind. Bleh.
Rick: I've never been to one.
Elaine: Oh really you should go their great! Except when there over it's hard to get used to clothes, so sometimes when I'm in my office I just sit there naked.
Rick: Really?
Elaine: Oh yeah I usually sit around naked a couple hours a day. I cook naked, I clean naked, I drive naked, naked, naked, naked!
Rick: Who are you!?
Elaine: Trust me mister you don't wanna know.
Jerry: My guys don't know your guys! You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together! They'll start a riot!
Kramer: Have you ever met my guys?
Jerry: No, I can't say as I have.
Kramer: We-ell!
George: I'm gonna slip him a "mickey."
Kramer: My name is Bob!
Tor: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.
Jerry: And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
Jerry: That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmund! Flaming globes of Sigmund! That's my note! That's what I thought was so funny? That's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.
Elaine: A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? Yuck, I don't think so.
George: I've been going to the doctors my whole life and what's it got me? I'm thirty-three years old, I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty and I'm already facing the problems of old age.
Jerry: Yeah if you're exposed to gamma rays!
George: I'm an eggplant!
Jerry: (reading his note) 'Fax me some halibut.' Is that funny? Is that a joke?
Jerry: Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
Kramer: No, no, he's out. He got out.
Jerry: Couch grass and cramp bark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
George: Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed.
Jerry: He saw that show on anorexia last year; ate like a pig for two weeks!
George: Could it be...luke-warm?
George: I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a nice, medium orgasm.
Jerry: I never had a really good pickle.
George: What should I do, Kramer?
Jerry: Well for one thing, don't listen to him.
Tor: (to Jerry) You're eating too much dairy.
George: Meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupus? Is it Lupus?!
Tor: What month were you born in?
George: April.
Tor: You should've been born in August.
Jerry: Well it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.
Tor: Hoh hoh hoh, yes! Yes...Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.
George: It's all over for me. In fact...let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
Jerry: Well, uh...What? Kinda like this?
George (muffled) What are you doing?! What are you, crazy?!
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: Elaine! What are you doing here?
Tor: Kramer tells me you're looking for an alternative to surgery.
George: Yes. Yes I am.
Tor: (blows in George's face and then flicks his hair) I think we can help you.
Elaine: Hey, where's Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. That's like asking: where's Waldo?
Kramer: Boy, they've got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital!
George: I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen...thing...
Elaine: Hi, George, how you feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment?
Elaine: You're bringing in an outside cucumber?
Jerry: Women go after doctors like men go after models, they want someone with knowledge of the body, we just want the body.
(Elaine is surfing through TV stations)
Elaine: Ooo the naked channel!
Jerry: (reaching for the remote) No, I don't want to watch the naked channel.
Elaine: (Pulling the remote away) Been a while?
Jerry: Sometimes when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that and I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Elaine: What was that look?
Jerry: What look?
Elaine: The look you just gave me.
Jerry: I gave a look?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: What kind of look?
Elaine: I know that look.
Jerry: Then what was it?
Elaine: Why should I tell you?
Jerry: Well, you're the big look expert. I want to see how smart you are.
Elaine: Trust me, I know the look.
Kramer: What are you guys going to do today?
Elaine: This... and that.
Jerry: And the other!
Kramer: (to Jerry and Elaine) Boy, I liked you so much better when you weren't a couple.
George: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller?
Jerry: Too gubernatorial.
George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
George: What's up with you?
Jerry: Nothing much. I slept with Elaine last night.
George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major!
George: You know I gotta tell you. These are really bad details.
Jerry: (about Elaine's birthday) What did you end up getting her?
George: (irritated) $91.
Jerry: Yeah, sorry about that.
George: I know less about women...than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night.
Elaine: We just want to take this, and add that.
Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?
Jerry: I said "...and more."
George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.
Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated!
Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal.
Kramer: It's not illegal!
Jerry: It's against the law.
Kramer: Well, yeah.
Leslie: Elaine, who catered this, Sears?
Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
George: Every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control of my life and yet, I want them all. Is that irony?
George: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's Baby.
Bill: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see.
Kramer: Man, it's the nineties...it's Hammer time!
George: Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George: I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.
Kramer: Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag! He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.
Jerry: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!
Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
Jerry: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so...disappointed.
Kramer: Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything.
Kramer: (to Jerry) I'm offering you 53 channels, movies, sports, nudity, and it's free for life!
Jerry: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?
Flight Attendant: I'm afraid not.
Jerry: What's with this airline? What, are you cutting out the drinks now?
Jerry: (to George) You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
Kramer: Cable boy. Cable boy. What have you done to my little cable boy?
Elaine: My roommate has Lyme disease.
Jerry: I thought she had Epstein-Barr syndrome?
Elaine: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.
(After the restaurant owner makes George miss Tatiana's phone call.)
George: She called. He yelled 'Cartwright'. I missed her.
Jerry: Who's Cartwright?
George: (pause)...I'm Cartwright.
Jerry: You're not Cartwright.
George: OF COURSE I'M NOT CARTWRIGHT!
George: You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.
Jerry: I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
Jerry: This isn't plans one through eight. It's Plan Nine! The worst movie EVER made!
Jerry: New York to Long Island. Long Island to Florida. It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately no one ever disappears.
George: So, we start to fool around and I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement whose needs are going to surpass by great length anything in the sexual realm.
Elaine: Health cookies. I hate those dustboard, fructose things.
Bruce: Seinfeld, four.
Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat. You go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before. They put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure... and now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
Elaine: You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you SICK!!
Jerry: Boy. You are REALLY hungry.
Elaine: Movie theater hot dogs, I'd rather lick the food off the floor.
George: If anything happens here can I count on you?
Jerry: What?
George: If we decide to go at it.
Jerry: Yeah, I want to get into a rumble.
Elaine: I feel like just walking over to a table and taking food off of someone's plate.
Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's $50 in it for you if you do it.
George: $50? For $50, I'll put my face in their soup and blow!
Bruce: I tell her you not here, she say curse word, I hang up.
George: The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry I just saw the Bat-signal!
Jerry: The Women's Movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?
George: Yes, I'm expecting a call for Costanza.
Bruce: Yes, someone call. I say "Cartwright! Cartright!" but no one come and I hang up.
Antonio: Who left the door open?
Elaine: I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there. And then, I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this... I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
Jerry: Are you still using that same old alarm clock?
Elaine: Oh no no, I bought a new one today. It's got everything! You oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.
Jerry: They'll probably kill his family over this.
Eddie: Watch where you're going.
Antonio: Hey! Why don't you watch where you're going, okay?
Elaine: He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts.
Elaine: If I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.
Jerry: Anywhere in the city?
George: Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.
Jerry: Okay... Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
George: Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key.
Jerry: Alright... Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
George: (Scoffs) Are you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.
Kramer: Cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later. You never know. They've got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you've gotta worry about.
Jerry: Look I feel sorry for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean let's face it, it's not a profession in which you embellish your resume and undergo a series of gruelling interviews.
George: I think it moved.
Kramer: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?
George: One of those kids called me a "Mary."
Elaine: A what?
George: I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. They called me a "Mary." So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
George: I can't get a massage from a man.
George: (talking about getting a message from a man) What if it feels good?
Elaine: It's supposed to feel good.
George: I don't want it to feel good!
George: I've always been a stall man.
Roy: Don't mind her.
Jerry: Oh please, I love her.
George: I've just met her, but I'm very impressed.
George: It was imperceptible, but I felt it!
George: I've shifted, this was a move!
Elaine: She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid.
Jerry: I know it was stupid.
Elaine: Really stupid...
Raymond: I used to be a flight attendant.
George: Oh boy.
Raymond: Ya know, why don't you open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way.
George: A man gave me a massage.
Jerry: So?
George: So he had his hands and, uh, he was...
Jerry: He was what?
George: He was... touching and rubbing.
Raymond: (massaging George's hamstring) How did you do this?
George: (VERY tense) Do what?
Raymond: How did you hurt your hamstring?
George: (quickly) I dunno...
Raymond: You don't know?
George: I dunno...
Raymond: Okay, where did this happen?
George: (Quickly again) Korea.
Raymond: Korea?
George: Korea.
Raymond: You hurt yourself in Korea?
George: I dunno.
George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle.
Elaine: Of what? Oh.
George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"
Pam: I hope you're both happy.
Jerry: I'm not happy.
George: Me neither. I've never been happy.
Jerry: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now.
George: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
Jerry: Yeah, college was fun.
Kramer: How can you do that to your friend! He's got a wife, kids...and a lot of other stuff! Yeee-eah...
Kramer: Blame me.
Jerry: No, I blame myself.
Kramer: No blame me.
Jerry: OK, I blame you.
Kramer: What don't blame me.
Jerry: Have you ever been audited? It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination.
Elaine: What did you think, that would impress me?
Jerry: You got it all wrong! I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans!
Elaine: Like you give this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Jerry: Those brave Krakatoans... East of Java! Who sacrificed so much for so long!
Jerry: I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys 'R Us maybe won't be so bad.
Elaine: Who walks into a women's bedroom without knocking?! I wanna know.
Kramer: I thought it was a closet.
Elaine: You're extremely...careful...with money.
George: I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't
believe this. How could you say that to me?
Elaine: You asked me to!
George: You should have lied!
Elaine: HUH, so should you.
George: I mean I'm not really working right now.
Elaine: I know.
George: When I was working I SPENT baby!
Jerry: Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars.
(all to Elaine)
Kramer: So is everything cool?
Tina: Yea, you seem a bit dysfunctional.
George: The truth? You want the truth? It is your earrings! It is the chopsticks, but it's so much more! You're pretentious! You call everyone by their full name! You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel", you went "Samuelle!" Papie-ay mach-ay? What is papie-ay mach-ay?
George: My whole life has been a complete waste of time.
Jerry: And there's so much more to go.
Jerry: Completely naked?
Kramer: Completely naked.
Elaine: Jerrry, How can I go on?
Kramer: Alright. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better, you can see me naked.
Elaine: No thank you!
Kramer: No, I want you to see me naked.
Elaine: No, no, no!
Kramer: No, I want to show you.
Jerry: My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time. He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went berserk. He was screaming. "Where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?"
Jerry: The IRS! They're like the Mafia! They can take anything they want!
Kramer: I don't even pay taxes.
Jerry: Well that's easy when you have no income.
Elaine: And now you're being audited for it. See, that's Karma.
Jerry: No, that's Kramer.
George: Pity is very underrated.
George: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
Elaine: What is this?
Kramer: Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table.
Elaine: Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thing. You can't even see it.
Jerry: You'll sense it.
George: They give you those word association tests. I love those.
Jerry: That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
George: Potato.
Jerry: Tuberculosis.
George: Blanket.
Jerry: Leroy.
George: Grass.
Jerry: Tuberculosis.
Jerry: (to Elaine) It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes.
Jack: Come on, take the pen!
Jerry: I can't take it.
Jack: Do me a personal favor!
Jerry: No, I'm not...
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: I cannot take it!
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: Are you sure?
Jack: Positive! Take the pen!
Jerry: Okay. Thank you very much.
Jack: What happened to you?
Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
Helen: It's from scuba diving.
Jack: What's there to see underwater?
Jerry: I'm sleeping on a loveseat. I got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule!
Jerry: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?
Helen: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do?
Jerry: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket.
Helen: Why'd you take his pen for?
Helen: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom.
Elaine: I can't take your bedroom.
Helen: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.
Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed.
Helen: We don't even sleep.
Jerry: (to his parents) What is going on in this community? Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?!
Jack: Do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?
Morty: You said you didn't want it!
Jack: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!
Morty: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?
Jack: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!
Morty: Ahh! So you got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it!
Elaine: Hey! It writes upside-down!
Elaine: Stella!
Helen: You're going underwater?
Jerry: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
Helen: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?
Stella: This better be good; I'm missing Golden Girls for this!
Helen: I hate her like poison.
Jerry: (doing stand-up) I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?
George: Prognosis Negative!
Kramer: (on breaking up with his girlfriend) Oh yeah! The sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether or not you're gonna hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. Boy, I'd like to get it on video. Watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it!
Jerry: Great. Two hundred seats on a plane, and I gotta get stuck next to Yukon Jack and his dog, Cujo!
Kramer: (to Ellen) I must've been out of my mind! Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? I wouldn't respect myself.
Jerry: One more day Farfle and you are pound bound!
Jerry: What'd we say that was so bad?
Elaine: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.
Jerry: I said I was surprised no one killed her yet.
Elaine: This is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I'm through with you you'll be begging to go to the pound!
Jerry: You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.
Kramer: I tell you.
Jerry: You. I'm talking about people.
Jerry: Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
George: Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?
Jerry: I don't know, regular human time?
George: Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?
Jerry: Why shouldn't I go here?
Elaine: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.
George: And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!
Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them for a week and then if no one claims them, they kill 'em.
Jerry: Really? How late are they open?
Elaine: Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my god, the dog guy. Where have you been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.
Jerry: You got together with George?
Elaine: I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about.
Gavin: Do you have any pets?
Jerry: Just a next-door neighbor.
George: Lemon Lift
Mr. Bookman: Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better?
Elaine: Lippman wants to see me. SEE ME! That can't be good.
Jerry: Maybe you're getting a raise.
Elaine: Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.
Elaine: (on boys giving wedgies, etc.) Boys are sick.
Jerry: What do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease someone 'til they develop an eating disorder!
George: So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me George Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library ,a grown man, getting a wedgie.
Elaine: At least it wasn't atomic.
George: It was.
George: Listen, just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?
Elaine: Remember that Columbus book?
Jerry: Columbus... Euro trash
George: I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about lunch.
Mr. Bookman: You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit-bull on a poodle.
Jerry: It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
Mr. Bookman: (to Jerry) Well I got a flash for ya' joy-boy.
Kramer: Bookman. The Library cop's name is Bookman. That's like an ice cream man being named cone!
Kramer: HELLO!
Marion: HELLO!
Mr. Bookman: Hello.
Kramer: (on the lonely librarian) She needs a little tenderness...she needs a little understanding...she needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: Then she'll need a little penicillin.
Mr. Bookman: I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
Kramer: The Dewey Decimal System... What a scam that was!
George: He [Mr. Hayman] purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying Costanza, he'd say 'Can't stand ya'.
Jerry: You know, I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.
George: We're like rats in some experiment.
George: I can't carry a pen, I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.
George: Fish. What do they do?
Elaine: What do you do?
(Kramer is carrying an air conditioner box)
Jerry: Will you let me help you with that?
Kramer: I'm gonna put it down behind that car.
Jerry: Worried somebody's gonna pee on it?
Jerry: The problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differeriate between levels. They put up different colors, different numbers, different letters. What they need to do is name the levels, like, "Your mother's a whore." You would remember that.
George: I'm trying to live my life!
George: What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually?
Kramer: Does that bother you?
George: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
Kramer: Not at all.
George: You see, now, that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, because it's people like you who live to be 120 because you're not bothered by it.
George: Unbelievable. I'm never gonna get outta here. Guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science-fiction story.
Kramer: Purple 23, remember that.
George: Yeah, that I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.
Jerry: Why do I always have the feeling everyone's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoon?
Elaine: This is what people do.
Jerry: No they don't. They're out on picnics, cooking burgers, making out on blankets. Not in some mall in Jersey helping their friends find the world's cheapest air conditioner.
Jerry: (to George) You get within fifteen feet of that woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button.
Jerry: There's too much urinary freedom in this society.
Jerry: I could get uromisitisis poisoning and die!
George: If I am not in front of my building at 6:15 when my parents get there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.
Babu: Where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!
George: Oh, hello, professor.
Elaine: George, I cannot believe...
George: Please...
Elaine: No, there has got be a mistake.
George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
Jerry: But an 85?
George: She wants me to take an IQ test.
Jerry: 'Cause you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.
Jerry: You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.
Monica: Is that the test?
Elaine: Oh, this... um... yeah... here you go.
Monica: Thanks. I hope you do a lot better this time.
Kramer: Hey, do me a favor...Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.
Jerry: Of course, I always do.
Kramer: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.
Elaine: Just give it back to him.
Kramer: Oh, he'll have to kill me.
Jerry: Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.
George: Yeah, and she's gonna find out I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.
Jerry: Who thinks you're smart?
Elaine: Why do you keep watching?
Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though you know he's not gonna make it you, you kinda root for him for a second.
Elaine: Then you flush!
Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
Kramer: I meet a lot of women in this jacket. They're attracted to it.
Monica: Where did you get the coffee?
George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store.
Monica: How did you get there?
George: I walked.
Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.
George: I climbed out the window.
Monica: You climbed out the window?
George: Of course.
Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?
George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.
Monica: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.
Elaine: (to George) Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...whatever his name was, and Kramer, I couldn't concentrate.
Jerry: (swaying around mockingly) It was a maaaad-house!
Elaine: Jerry, it was!
Kramer: This guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house for two years. Now, she hasn't seen him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.
Jerry: So?
Kramer: Well, I'm not giving it back.
Jerry: How'd you do on the IQ test?
George: (irate) 85!
Jerry: (swaying around) It was a maaaad-house...
Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean, isn't there a statue of limitations on that?
Jerry: Statute!
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Statute of limitations, it's not a statue!
Kramer: No, it's statue!
Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations!
Kramer: Elaine. Elaine! Now you're smart. Is it statute or statue of limitations?
Elaine: Statute!
Kramer: Well, I really think you're wrong!
Jerry: (with his sweater over his nose) Bazooka Joe.
Monica: I need to get something.
George: Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer.
Monica: George!
George: Wish I could.
George: (explaining how he got food on his IQ test) I had a sandwich in my pocket.
Babu: You bad man! You very, very bad man!
Jerry: Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?
Jerry: I am special, my mother was right.
Babu: Our specials are tacos, moussaka, and franks and beans.
Jerry: Well, what do you recommend my good fellow?
Babu: Oh, the turkey.
Kramer: Spector gave it to me. He's giving everything away... becoming a minimalist.
George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: You know what that makes you, a baldist.
Jerry: The big toe, the captain!
Kramer: What?
Jerry: The captain of the toes!
George: Ask them, are there any side effects.
Ping: (joking) Impotence.
Kramer: How often do you cut your toe-nails?
George: She had this throaty, sexy kind of whisper.
Elaine: Really , like a... like a... (sexy whisper) Jerry, I want to ssslide my tongue around you like a sssnake... Oh... Oh!
Jerry: (to George in a cowboy hat) Sheriff?
George: Great! They have one billion people and he found a relative.
George: All right...I've become attracted to Elaine.
George: I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.
George: You won't think I'm a bad person?
Jerry: Too late for that.
George: Where'd you meet her?
Jerry: I met her on an elevator.
George: On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
Jerry: Impossible, right?
George: You got less than 60 seconds. It's like dismantling a time bomb.
Landlord: (on Babs) The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt .45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, 'Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!'
Kramer: You're as pretty as those girls, you just need a nose job!
Kramer: I'm your fiance. Peter Von Nostrand.
Kramer: You got butchered.
Jerry: It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
Jerry: Then what?
George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.
Jerry: She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time.
George: Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth!
George: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring.
Jerry: It's not like that at all!
Woman: I have lost my fiance, the poor baby.
Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
George: Every day is a date.
Jerry: That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?
Jerry: Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office.
Elaine: Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now?
Jerry: Uh, no, he's taking the car.
Elaine: Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: You don't know?
Jerry: Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
Elaine: Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car?
Jerry: There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code!
George: I long for you.
George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back.
Party Guest: So what do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Party Guest: Are you? Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material?
Jerry: I hear a voice.
Party Guest: What kind of voice?
Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
Party Guest: How come you keep tapping your head?
Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.
Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.
Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.
Elaine: How old are you?
George: Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day.
George: You got aloe? I love aloe.
George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it!
Jerry: How do you account for this?
George: Maybe a safe fell on her head.
George: The last time a woman said that [make love to me] to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Elaine: Guess who I bumped into. Owen.
George: He's alright?
Elaine: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex.
Sid: (to George) Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on?
George: (taking the lunch check) Here, let me get that. I smashed your car, cost you $2,000...
Jerry: Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover that.
Elaine: So, was Mia Farrow there?
Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.
Jerry / Elaine / Kramer / George: These pretzels are making me thirsty!
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Assistant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here, that's why you have the reservation.
Car Rental Assistant: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to TAKE the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Elaine: (singing to Owen) Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans.
Elaine: Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?
Jerry: Well, I'll tell ya, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.
Rental Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.
Jerry: (Closing monologue) I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.
Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question.
George: Do I smell?
George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
Kramer: He said, "Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?"
Elaine: (on Owen) I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him. (scene changes) I just don't enjoy being with him.
Agent: Sir, if you had read the contract...
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It was like the Declaration of Independence! Who's gonna read that?
Kramer: I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
Jerry: You mean a career.
Jerry: (Opening monologue) Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me? I would like a car alarm like that.
Jerry: Owen March? I never heard of him.
Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player.
Elaine: (on Owen) You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?
Jerry: That's my car!
Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Car thief: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Car thief: Hmmm, nah. I'm gonna keep it.
Elaine: I'll be ostracized from the community.
Jerry: What community? There's a community?
Elaine: Of course there's a community.
Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.
Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth?
Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Elaine: Hmm... how's the pasta over there?
George: I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids ...
Jerry: Yeah, chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too.
George: Why is that?
Jerry: It's a woman in your room.
Jerry: You want an overview? I see a very cheap man holding a damaged sweater, trying to get away with something. That's my overview.
Mr. Lippman: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired.
Jerry: I never feel comfortable in the woman's department. I feel like I'm a little too close to trying on a dress.
George: ...next thing I knew, she was mopping up the floor with me.
Jerry: How was it?
George: The sex was good, but I threw up from the Hennigan's.
Jerry: Good thing the cleaning woman was there.
Dick: So, you're Jerry.
Jerry: So, I'm Jerry.
Jerry: Would you do me a favor?
Kramer: Okay.
Jerry: Would you take a drink and let us smell you?
Kramer: You can smell me without the drink.
Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. H-E-double N-I...
Woman: I started riding these trains in the '40s. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Woman: What's ironic?
Elaine: This -- that we've come all this way, we've made all this progress, but, you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?
Naked Man: I'm not ashamed of my body.
Jerry: That's your problem. You should be.
Woman on the train: See what I get? 35 years on this train, and I finally talk to someone, and it turns out to be the best man of a lesbian wedding!
Jerry: (to the naked man) Tell you what, if they win the pennant this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.
Kramer: His mother was a mudder!
George: Big brokerage houses killed my father.
Scam Woman: Eight dollars? Eight dollars?
George: What are you doing? You're robbing me?!
Scam Woman: I wasted my whole morning on you for eight dollars?
Elaine: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!
George: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking, "that's why I'm not heterosexual."
George: Looking for the quotes. Gotta check the quotes. Love a good quote.
George: You can't break up with me. I've got hand!
Noel: And you're gonna need it.
George: I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand.
Kramer: Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific; I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....
Jerry: Yeah... So's shock therapy.
Jerry: I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture is very non-confrontational.
Intervener #1: He's here! What do we do?
Intervener #2: Hide!
Jerry: It's not a surprise party!
George: (working on a crossword) What's a three letter word for candy?
Jerry: I could never do those things.
Jerry: (to George) You've never been to a flea market and you think they have fleas there.
Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.
Kramer: Is this the interference?
George: I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my glove.
George: Could we cut to the chase here.
Jerry: Cut to the chase? What are you Joe Hollywood? I would lose that.
George: So how was it?
Kramer: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life. They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
Jerry: Whoa. (hits George)
Kramer: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
Jerry: Wow! (hits George)
Kramer: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
Jerry: Oh! hits George)
Kramer: We played Backgammon in the nude.
Jerry: Oh! (hits George)
Kramer: She's a sweet kid.
Jerry: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models! (hits George)
Kramer: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
George: Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish.
Kramer: Did you hear about Martin?
Jerry: Yeah, I heard.
Kramer: I can't believe he's in a coma. He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: A man who respects a good coma.
Elaine: I wonder what Gandhi ate before he fasted.
Jerry: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah, Gandhi loved Triscuits.
Gina: Come on.
Jerry: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
Gina: We don't have enough time.
Jerry: It'll take two seconds.
Gina: There is no time.
Jerry: We don't have two seconds?
Gina: All right. Go ahead.
Jerry: Nah, forget it.
Gina: No, go ahead.
Jerry: Nah. I'll just wear the pajamas.
Gina: Will you just get it.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Gina: Forget it. Come on.
Jerry: Nah, I'll go get the robe.
Jerry: Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me.
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Come on, it's just down the hall.
George: Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two bucks.
Jerry: I'll give you 50 cents.
George: There's no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
Jerry: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
Elaine: Nah.
Elaine: It's really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.
George: Elaine, she's a psychic. She knows how the kid's going to be.
Jerry: Let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma, before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?
Kramer: Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Dr. Kevorkian?
Elaine: Hey, have you ever fasted?
Jerry: Well, once I didn't have dinner until, like nine o'clock. That was pretty rough.
George: A plane crash? A heart attack? Lupus?! Is it lupus?!
Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
Jerry: I didn't know what the coma etiquette was.
Elaine: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
Elaine: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?
Jerry: She's really hungry.
George: Hey, I'm all set. I got the ticket. I'm going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
Jerry: I don't get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What, do you need a break from getting up at 11:00?
Jerry: It's not like a Sonny Von Bulow coma.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Jerry: I can't commit to a woman. I'm not committing to an airline.
Jerry: You know I don't get that whole suicide machine. There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?
Newman: Is that Drake's Coffee Cake?
Gina: Come, you walk me to a cab.
Jerry: Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
Gina: You're still afraid. You are not a man.
Jerry: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
Gina: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.
Jerry: You can say what you want about me but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
Jerry: The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.
Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing.
Elaine: Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, get rid of it in one sweep, just so we can eliminate it as a topic of conversation.
George: She missed her period? Oh, my God. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! MY BOYS CAN SWIM!!!
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
Cynthia: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.
Elaine: I hate the good ones.
Cynthia: Is Jerry one of the good ones?
Elaine: That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.
Cynthia: He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the
most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.
Elaine: So, how was it?
Cynthia: How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.
Kramer: (breaking up a fight between Jerry and George) The next one of you that opens up your mouth and says something, you're gonna have to deal with me!
Kramer: (breaking up Jerry and Elaine's fight) Can't you two see... that you're in LOVE with each other?
Elaine: Well, at least you're not bitter.
Cynthia: Who says I'm not bitter?
Elaine: Aren't you too young to be bitter?
Cynthia: What does he look like?
Elaine: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.
Cynthia: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?
Elaine: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.
Cynthia: He's bald?
Elaine: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.
Cynthia: So he will be bald.
Elaine: Yup.
George: It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.
Jerry: Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
Jerry: So, hopelessness is the key?
George: It's my only hope.
Elaine: Jerry, he's a guy.
Jerry: The sad thing is, we'd never know the truth.
Jerry: I'm not drivin' him to the airport!
Jerry: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
George: Right.
Jerry: (chuckling) I don't think so.
Keith Hernandez: Who's this chucker?
George: I am not a chucker! I Never have chucked! Never will chuck! No chuck! Kramer, am I a chucker?
Kramer: Oh, you're a chucker, buddy.
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George: Right.
Jerry: And what is that?
George: You're in latex.
Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
George: You manufacture it.
Jerry (on Keith Hernandez): Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
George: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. What do you have to do to be a buff?
Jerry: So Biff wants to be a buff? Well, sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.
(Jerry comes from the bedroom and sees George lying on the floor in his underwear)
Jerry: (in a condescending tone) And you want to be my latex salesman?
Kramer: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked?
Jerry: Believe me, I didn't see anything.
Kramer: Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?
Jerry: No, did you?
Kramer: Yeah, I snuck a peek.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Why not? Hey, what about you George?
George: Yeah, I ... I snuck a peek. But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
Jerry: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.
Jerry: Vandelay Industries. Kel Varnsen speaking. How may I help you?
Newman: June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, "Nice game pretty boy." Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Newman: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.
Jerry: That is one magic loogey!
Kramer: Hernandez spit at us.
Newman: Wow, it was McDowell.
Jerry: But why? Why McDowell?
Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi Elaine. What's going on? No, he just left. You broke up with him? Me too!
Jerry: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
George: Magellan? You like Magellan?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer. Around the world. Come on. Who do you like?
George: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George: Discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry: Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
Keith: Elaine, you don't know the first thing about first base.
Elaine: Ha, ha. Well, I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there.
Keith: The way I figure it I've already been there, and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock.
Elaine: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in.
Jerry: So, did you two, uh... have uh...
Elaine: What?!
Jerry: You know.
Elaine: Milk?
Jerry: No!
Elaine: Cookies?!
Carrie: Thank you for a wonderful time, George.
George: Glad you enjoyed it.
Carrie: I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
Jerry/Elaine: (mimicking their friend) You gotta see the baby!
Carol: (on her baby) So, who do you think she looks like?
Kramer: Lyndon Johnson.
Carrie: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayonara.
George: Why?
Carrie: I've been thinkin' about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman.
George: I went to the hardware store interview.
Carrie: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails?
Jerry: That's what death is, really: it's the last big move. The hearse is like the van, the pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you can ask to help you in a move like this, and the casket is that one perfect box you've been looking for your entire life. The only problem is, once you find it, you're in it.
Elaine: I love Cajun cooking.
Keith: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun.
Elaine: Uh, my father's half drunk.
Jerry: Excuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?
Chauffeur: To pick up the other members of your party.
George: Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) The other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.
Jerry: It was a bad jig to begin with. We never should've started this jig.
George: It was a good jig.
Jerry: It was a bad jig, a terrible, terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.
George: There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo.
Jerry: First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period.
George: Well, you should've been O'Brien!
Jerry: I don't even wanna be Murphy anymore! Do I still have to be Murphy?
George: Yes, you have to be Murphy!
Jerry: It makes no sense now, me being Murphy!
George: You're Murphy!
Jerry: I'm Seinfeld!
George: YOU'RE MURPHY!
Jerry: Nice lookin' Luger.
(George is giddy with excitement as he and Jerry are sitting in the back of O'Brien's limo)
George: This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.
Jerry: What for?
George: I dunno, I'm in a limo.
Jerry: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
Kramer: (points to Jerry) O'Brien, long time no see. (points to George) How's tricks, Murphy?
Tim: Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?
Jerry: No, he was talking to me. He's cross-eyed.
Elaine: It could be very confusing.
Jerry: I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy.
Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?
George: Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!
Jerry: Who's gonna be O'Brien?
George: I'll be O'Brien.
Jerry: Who am I?
George: You're you.
Jerry: Just me?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Okay.
George: You don't wanna be you?
Jerry: Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?
George: Like who?
Jerry: Dylan Murphy.
George: Okay.
Jerry: What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?
George: Well, I like Dylan.
Jerry: You could be Colin.
George: Okay, Colin O'Brien.
Jerry: I'm Dylan Murphy.
George: I'm Colin O'Brien.
George: (reading the speech he's been given) ". . . and so the Jews, through their Zionist occupied governments, use the black man to import drugs into our underprivileged, white, minority communities."
Jerry: You're not going to open with that, are you?
George: (on the phone) Yeah, hello, police? Uh, yeah, listen, uh, we're in the back of a limo in Queens-
(Tim re-enters the limo)
George Uh...Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews!(hangs up the phone) Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.
Tim: We'll be ready in a minute.
George: Would you excuse us for a minute, Tim boy, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something.
Tim: With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave.
(George moves and sits down next to Tim)
George: Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me?
Tim: You are.
George: And who is responsible for making hatemongering and fascism popular again?
Tim: You are.
George: Okay? I think you forgot something.
Tim: I'm sorry.
George: Good. Now, get out.
(Tim leaves)
Kramer: There's always been something very strange about Jerry. Always so clean and organized.
Jerry: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while. O'Brien's not showing up.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: He was in Chicago. Flight was overbooked; they wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.
George: We should take his limo.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
(Jerry begins to walk away, but George suddenly stops him)
George: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line for cabs, it's, like, 45 minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.
Jerry: He's definitely in Chicago.
George: Well, the guy's just standing there.
(Jerry looks at the chauffeur, who checks his watch)
Jerry: How would we do it?
George: We just go up to him and say, "We're O'Brien."
Jerry: Maybe he knows O'Brien.
George: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign.
George: Look, let's just jump out of the car.
Jerry: We're going sixty miles an hour!
George: So, we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.
Jerry: What are you, Mannix?
Elaine: I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi. No. He's just neat.
(George is in front of the news camera as the on-screen graphic says "DONALD O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union").
George: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I repeat, I am not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry! JERRY!
George: I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.
Jerry: Oh, I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk?
George: One mile from the exit, it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown, then it completely stopped dead.
Jerry: So, you have no car?
George: No.
Jerry: So, what good are you?
Robin: *sneeze*
George: *pauses* God bless you.
Robin: Thank you.
George: (motions to husband) I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. *snorts*
Kramer: (about hit-and-run drivers) You know they're mentally disturbed. They should be sent to Australia.
George: Oh, my God. I must be crazy. What have I done?
Robin: Oh no, what's wrong?
George: What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery!
Robin: You didn't commit adultery, I did.
George: Oh, yeah.
Robin: If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else.
George: Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of
losers out there.
Robin: Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'.
Jerry/Elaine: You're soooooo good looking!
(Michael to Elaine over the phone)
Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!
Elaine: Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was.
George: Yeah, okay.
Elaine: And I said I hadn't seen her.
George: What?!
Elaine: No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name.
George: He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!
Elaine: He said he was going to sew your @$$ to your face.
George: I was brought up to say "God Bless you."
(Jerry sneezes)
George: Oh, shut up!
Jerry: If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you.' You should say 'You're so good looking!
George: I am speechless. Speechless! I have no speech.
*later*
Elaine: I am speechless! I am without speech.
George: An affair? That's so adult. It's like martinis and stockings and William Holden.
Jerry: Oh... a matador... Uno Momento Por Favor.
Michael: You think you're so damn special because you say "God Bless You?"
George: No, I don't. I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.
Kramer: You're sure you don't want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause I'll do it.
Nina: No, that's the last thing in the world I want you to do.
Kramer: Well why don't you take your clothes off?
Jerry: I like the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It's a mink trap down there.
Jerry: How are you feeling?
Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. (to Elaine) How're you, Carroll?
*later*
George: Hey Kramer.
Kramer: Hi Mike.
Jerry: (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house?
George: Tell you what; I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right now for ten bucks.
(Jerry and Nina are watching TV)
Jerry: Don't go in there, you're gonna get shot.
(Gunshot on TV)
Jerry: I told you.
Jerry: I have to go meet Nina. You want to come to her loft, check out her paintings?
George: I don't get art.
Jerry: There's nothing to get.
George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
Jerry: She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.
Mrs. Armstrong: (on The Kramer) I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love; an innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges.
Mr. Armstrong:: Go on, go on. You hopped a steam ship to Sweden?
Kramer: Mmm Hmm... (eating) It was a big one
George: Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.
Mike: Hey, Jerry. Long time no see.
Jerry: Hey, Mike. (noticing George's fedora) Indiana.
George: You're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
Mike: You're gonna have to go to work!
George: I don't have a job!
Mike: Neither do I!
George: You don't understand. A garage, I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?
George: I really think it looks good.
Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the '20s and '30s, you know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been.
Sid: (to George) Why don't you start taking the bus?
Kramer: Oh, congratulations.
Maryedith: What for?
Kramer: Well, you're pregnant.
Maryedith: What?
Kramer: You're not pregnant?
Maryedith: No, I'm not pregnant!
Kramer: Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Maryedith: Yes, I'm sure!
Kramer: That's weird.
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew.
Matthew: No.
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew!
(She starts to walk away with Matthew)
Kramer: I thought she was pregnant.
Jerry: What did you do to my car?!
George: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror. I got discombobulated.
Elaine: Oh, like you've ever been "bobulated."
Kramer: You know, why didn't they ask me to go?
Jerry: I don't know. How am I supposed to know?
Kramer: What, they don't like me?
Jerry: I don't like you!
Elaine: Ouch, my cuticle!
Kramer: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems.
Mike: Hey, pal. You're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
George: I'll die out here.
Newman: Chaos--it reduces us to jungle law.
Kramer: What's going on?
Mike: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!
George: IT'S MY SPACE!
Kibitzer: Who are you?
Sid: Who am I? I know who I am. Do you know who you are?
Jerry: I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault. It's a vault!
Elaine: I gotta get some new friends.
(Newman refuses to tell Jerry and George where Kramer is)
Jerry: (to Newman) Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?
(Hits the wall with his fist)
Newman: Help! Help!
Jerry: Where's Kramer?
Newman: Help!
(Elaine enters)
Elaine: What's going on?
(Newman hides behind Elaine)
Newman: They're gonna beat me up!
George: No we're not.
Jerry: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About they keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
Jerry: Bad rap?
Newman: Yeah, from you.
Jerry: Me?
Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA.
Hippy: Hey Kramer, have you ever killed a man?!
Kramer: What do you think Junior? You think these hands - they've been soaking in Ivory Liquid?
Kramer: I was clinging to those keys, man, like a branch on the banks of a raging river, and now I have let go and I'm free to go with the current, to float, and I thank you.
Kramer: Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner, oh, much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you.
George: Me?!
Kramer: Oh, I can barely see you, George.
George: Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out.
Kramer: Up here, I'm already gone.
Kramer: (disgusted) Look at you.
George: Aw, Kramer, don't start.
Kramer: You're wasting you're life.
George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life.
Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
George: No.
Kramer: You got money?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George: I like to get the Daily News.
Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn?
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well not recently. I craved.
Jerry: You scared me!
Kramer: It's just me.
Jerry: That's enough!
Jerry: I heard something...
George: Well, what do they look like?
Jerry: Like keys, George. They look like keys. They look exactly like keys... What do they look like...
George: Alrighty, so that's one tuck and one no tuck.
Helene: It was sad for a Three Stooges picture, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Yeah, well that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.
Kramer: (to Fred Savage) I'm not crazy. I may look weird, but I'm just like you... I'm just a regular guy.
Kramer: (giving a lecture) My personal acting technique is working with color. Imagining, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you see that all my lines have a special color. So, I don't memorize language, I memorize colors. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue, and you have a full palette of emotions.
Kramer: Helene, how are you?
Helene: I haven't worked since 1934. How do you think I am?
Jerry: (seeing George's big pile of luggage) It's a three day trip. Who are you, Diana Ross?
George: I dress based on mood.
Jerry: But you essentially always wear the same thing.
George: Seemingly. But, within that basic framework, there are a number of subtle variations, visible only to the trained observer, that reveal the many moods, the many shades, of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what is this?
George: This is morning mist.
George: (before going through a metal detector) I've always been a little nervous about these things. I'm afraid I'm going to step through into another dimension.
Hippy: I said, "Hey, Kramer, you ever kill a man?" And he says, "What do you think, junior? These hands been bathing in Ivory liquid?"
George: We're friends of a serial killer.
Criminal: Oh, that's nice.
Jerry: Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.
George: We're pretty sure he didn't do it.
Jerry: Hello 911. How are ya?
Kramer: You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl.
Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George: As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
George: I'm very disappointed in Lupe.
George: I can't ask them for change. They always make a face. It's like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
Jerry: He says ask somebody, ask that guy right there.
George: Excuse me, where are we?
Man: Earth.
Jerry: You know I'm on the phone with the police, some guy just gave me a wise answer.
George: A pay phone in L.A. Look, it's a miracle.
George: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
Jerry: What kind?
George: Milano.
Jerry: Cops eating Milanos, what kind of crazy town is this?
Kramer: How'd you know about the guy in the park?
George: Kramer? What are you doing here?
Kramer: Getting something to eat.
Kramer: We had a deal! There's no guarantees in life!
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer!
Jerry: Karma-Kramer?
Joe Davola: You're under no obligation to shake my hand.
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.
George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Jerry: What do you need salsa for?
George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have any salsa?" We need more salsa." "Where's the salsa? No salsa?"
George: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. "I wanted seltzer, not salsa!"
Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?! You have the seltzer after the salsa!"
Newman: I want my helmet back! You give me back my helmet, and you're gonna pay for that ticket!
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. You better think again, Mojambo.
Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC?
George: Yeah, I think we really got something here.
Jerry: What do we got?
George: An idea.
Jerry: What idea?
George: An idea for the show.
Jerry: I still don't know what the idea is.
George: It's about nothing.
Jerry: Right.
George: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.
Jerry: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we got an idea for a show about nothing?
George: Exactly.
Jerry: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."
George: There you go.
(A moment passes)
Jerry: (nodding) I think you may have something here.
George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: Nothing.
George: I can't do this Jerry. I can't do it. I tried, I'm here, it's impossible!
Jerry: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
Newman: Don't say anything.
Jerry: All right.
(Kramer enters the room)
Jerry: Hey, you know you're getting gypped over here.
George: Look, you do all the talking, OK?
Jerry: Relax! Who are they?
George: Yeah, they're not better than me.
Jerry: Of course not.
George: Who are they?
Jerry: They're nobody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: What about you?
George: Why them? Why not me?
Jerry: Why not you?
George: I'm as good as them.
Jerry: Better!
George: You really think so?
Jerry: No.
Russell: Well, why am I watching it?
George: Because it's on TV.
Russell: (pausing) Not yet.
George: I can't do this, I can't do this.
Jerry: What?
George: I can't do this, I can't do it. I've tried, I'm here, it's impossible.
Jerry: Hey, this was your idea.
George: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were gonna listen to me!
(He smacks Jerry's forehead)
Jerry: Don't worry about it. They're just TV executives.
George: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties! They're married, they have secretaries!
Newman: (to Kramer) You gave me a defective detector! Jerry?
Jerry: Buyer beware.
Jerry: (to George) I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity. Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know, you really need some help, and a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team, a team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talkin about, 'cause that's the only way you're gonna get better.
George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who's he?
Jerry: He's somebody!
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good, you're not.
George: I'm better than him!
Jerry: You're worse! Much much worse.
Newman: Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker.
Kramer: Yo-Yo Ma!
Newman: (telling the suicide banker story) I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible, but I-I distinctly recall him saying-
Kramer: (involuntarily) Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.
George: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.
Newman: Would you please tell the court, in your own words, what happened on the afternoon of September 10th.
Kramer: What do you mean in my own words? Who's words are they gonna be?
(Kramer answers Jerry's phone and begins speaking Italian)
Jerry: What are you doing? What's wrong with you, what are you doing? Give me that phone. Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today.
(Kramer mutters and leaves)
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi, I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor, he's not quite himself, he got kicked in the head.
(Jerry and George are inside the coffee shop, hiding from Joe Davola)
Jerry: Is he out there? Do you see him?
George: I'm not sure.
Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't.
George: All right, I don't.
Newman: (outside Kramer's door) Come on, are you ready? Let's go.
Kramer: (opens the door, still has shaving cream on his face) For what?
Newman: What's the matter with you? I just spoke to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: About what?
Newman: The courthouse, you gotta go with me too the court house, I'm contesting a ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me, you-you're my alibi, you have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT THAT MEANS!
Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat.
Jerry: (to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.
Jerry: You know, a muffin can be very filling!
Morty: MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE!
Helen: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited.
Morty: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
Helen: So why did you say anything?
Jerry: It was a mistake.
Morty: They're good around the house and they're good for outside!
Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.
Jerry: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.
George: Ooooo, I'm scared...Ohooo, they're not gonna do the show.
Jerry: We're lucky they're even interested in the show in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, "Hey, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no ideas, more money"?
George: Ohooo, what are we gonna do? I'm shaking. I'm shaking.
Jerry: What are you repeating everything I say?
George: What are you repeating everything I say?
Jerry: Well George is an idiot.
George: Well G...
Dr Reston: Elaine, do you remember your dream where you had a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?
Helen: How could anyone not like you?
Morty: (reading the form) 'Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?'
Uncle Leo: I just talked to Dr. Dembrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.
Morty: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should've called the police. They stole my wallet.
Uncle Leo: You know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.
Morty: All right, Leo.
Uncle Leo: And you walked out without paying.
Morty: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.
Uncle Leo: Well, I hope you send him a check.
Morty: What for?
Uncle Leo: What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor.
Morty: That's the second time you said "personal favor." Why do you keep saying that?
Uncle Leo: I said it once.
Morty: Twice! And Dembrow doesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor.
Jerry: (monologue) Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show... You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave! There's no way they're gonna wrap this up in five minutes!" I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm -- Can you come back next week?"
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah we've been intimate.
Kramer: And how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer! How is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's going to ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: All right, all right. We do it, uh... five times a week. Okay?
Kramer: Ooooh baby!
Jerry: (on paperweights) Where are these people working that papers are blowing right off of desks? Are the desks screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway? Are they typing in the crow's-nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?
Jerry: (to George) Let me see if I understand this - in other words, you held out for LESS money?!
Doorman: There is a George Bonanza to see you.
George: Costanza, Costanza.
Doorman: George Costanza.
Kramer: Look at this building. What is this?
Elaine: I don't know. It's a building.
Kramer: The doors are on a diagonal.
Elaine: So what?
Kramer: It's architecturally incorrect.
George: Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? Look, stairs in an apartment. All my life I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although one step is not all that sunken.
Russel: Who gave you my address?
Kramer: Do you have a decaf cappuccino?
Dr. Reston: I don't think we have that.
Kramer: Well, that's a little strange.
Dr. Reston: Why does that surprise you?
Kramer: Well, it's a very popular drink.
Dr. Reston: This is an office.
Kramer: That's true.
Jerry: Well, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. You know why fish are so thin?
Naomi: Why?
Jerry: They eat fish.
Naomi: (laugh that sounds like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer)
Helen: She's beautiful.
Jerry: She's not beautiful.
Helen: I think she's beautiful.
Jerry: So you ask her out.
George: I'm sorry the card says "Moops."
Bubble Boy: Okay, "History", this is for the game. How ya doing over there? Not too good!
George: Alright Bubble Boy, let's just play. Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?
Bubble Boy: That's a joke... The Moors.
George: Ohhh no! I'm so sorry it's the Moops! The correct answer is the Moops!
Bubble Boy: Moors!!
George: Moops!!
Elaine: Well, what about the sleeping arrangements in the cabin?
Jerry: Well, um, same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.
Elaine: What about me?
Jerry: You'll be naked, of course.
(Talking about George.)
Jerry: Look at him! he's going like a hundred miles an hour!"
Elaine: Yeah but it's not enough for George to go fast, he's gotta make good time.
Jerry: I know. He once made it from West 81st St. All the way to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes, I never heard the end of it!
Jerry: He's a bubble boy.
George: A bubble boy?
Jerry: Yes, a bubble boy.
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble.
George: Boy.
(George is driving too fast as Jerry is following him)
Jerry: What's he doing? What is his hurry?
Elaine: Well, you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good timing.
Jerry: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. I never heard the end of it.
(Elaine laughs quietly)
Jerry: Look at him.
Susan: So what kind of a bubble, like an igloo?
Jerry: No, that's what I thought. But apparently it's just a big piece of plastic, dividing the room.
George: What kind of plastic do you think it is? Like that dry cleaning plastic?
Jerry: That's no good. He wouldn't last 10 minutes in there!
George: (voice on answering machine, about Naomi) All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this.
Elaine: (reading) "I'm very im-PRESSED?"
(Talking about cigars.)
Kramer: These are Cubans. Maria, porquendo lociendo corendo congli!!
Bubble Boy: What's your story?
Susan: I-I-I have no story.
George: She works for NBC.
Bubble Boy: How 'bout takin your top off.
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, behave yourself.
Jerry: I can't date a girl with that kind of laugh...it's like CoCo Chanel goin' out with a Fishmonger!
Kramer: My Cubans!
(He runs off to the burning cabin)
(Jerry has lost track of George's car)
Jerry: What is he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
Elaine: Isn't that blue car him?
Jerry: No, no that's not him. What happened to him. I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we gonna do?
Elaine: It's no big deal, Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
Jerry: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town.
Elaine: You don't have the directions?
Jerry: No, I was following him.
Elaine: How could you not take the directions?
Jerry: Because HE'S my directions.
Elaine: (apologizing for Jerry) It's very hard being a stand-up comedian. Sometimes they don't laugh!
Kramer: (disdainful of public golf courses) It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps. Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!
George: I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot... You're toiling in virtual anonymity.
Jerry: So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
George: "The panties your mother laid out for you"? What does that mean?
Jerry: I don't know! It just popped out.
George: Well, how did she react?
Jerry: She flipped out! Just left.
George: Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all...laid out for me.
George: Time is what he's indicating here.
George: I'm gonna need some water here!
Jerry: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where your pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guy's Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"
Joe Davola: Hello, Jerry. It's Joe Davola. (spits) Sorry, I had a hair on my tongue. But, of course, you should know; you put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you bad-mouthed me to the execs at NBC; put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again.
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
Jerry: Oh, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn't that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Redd Foxx record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!
Elaine:You know, it's so sad that all you know about high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Jerry: The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That
Elaine: Are you alright? You don't seem like yourself
Joe: Who am I?
Elaine: Good question..very existential. Who am I?..well obviously (looking at wall of photos of her)
George: We'll take it.
Kramer: No.
George: No, are you crazy?
Kramer: Let me handle this.
George: That's $500 that's a great deal.
Kramer: Man, you're blowing it, the guy's a pigeon.
George: This is not a Metallica concert, it's an opera. A little dignity, a little class.
Ticket Taker: A crazy clown is after you? Oh, that's rich!
(Loud thump is heard from the door)
Jerry: Who is it?
Kramer: It's me!
Kramer: Why are you locking the door now?
Elaine: Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go. I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so I
Elaine: You left your door open.
Joe Davola: I know, I like to encourage intruders.
Joe: Are you still afraid of clowns?
Kramer: Uh-huh...
Jerry: But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not right. What if it was the President of the United States, I bet you'd investigate. Well, so what? What's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States. And I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.
Jerry: I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it.
Jerry: I like this opera crowd; I feel tough.
George: She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC, I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman!
George: I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
Jerry: you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
Jerry: Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?
George: About six years ago.
Jerry: I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.
George: Women like skiers.
Elaine: This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, the one thing you gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality. It's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
George: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.
Jerry: This is your plan?
George: No, no. I'm just thinking.
Jerry: I don't think you are.
George: Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in!
(George just found out that Susan was fired)
George: This is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
Jerry: Why did he fire her?
George: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off!
Elaine: Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying.
George: Something happened to the food?!!
Jerry: She's a virgin. She just told me.
Elaine: I didn't know.
Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee!
Elaine: Do you think I should say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?
Jerry: Let me ask you this: is there any Tampax in your house?
George: Yeah...
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what you got here. You got yourself a girlfriend.
George: Oh no!
Jerry: So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin?
Marla: Never came back.
Jerry: Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall.
Kramer: I don't want a big flat noodle.
Jerry: (looks out the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!
(all three crowd around the window)
Elaine: (gasps) Is that...?
George: Kramer?!
Elaine: He's waving...
(all three wave back)
Estelle: George... I'm huuunnnggry!
George: Hang on, ma, hang on.
George: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry: Lord of the manor.
George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I zipped up!
Elaine: So, she fell?
George: Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
Jerry: She's driving me crazy, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm here, I'm climbing the walls. Meanwhile I'm in this contest, I'm datin' a virgin, SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE!
Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!
Joyce: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.
Elaine: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.
George: What are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Date with Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin? Any progress there, what's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I've got my troops amassed along the border. I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Kramer: I'm out!!
Jerry: (singing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus...
(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)
Kramer: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on...
Estelle: Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle: Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!
George: I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
Estelle: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
George: Ten minutes! Here, here, (throws a box of Tic-Tacs to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.
Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain.
Jerry: Yes. Yes I am. Master of my domain.
Elaine: What're you looking at?
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: (smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.
Jerry: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
George: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.
Marla: (sleeping with JFK Jr.) Oh, John. That was wonderful.
Jerry: (on Kramer's chance of winning the contest) You'll be out before the check comes!
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: I told her about the contest.
Elaine: Ohh, boy, she's a whack-o.
Jerry: Alright, Costanza. It's just you and me.
George: And then, (smacks the money) there were two.
Elaine: Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior...
(George is hypnotized by a sponge bath with a female patient)
Estelle: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!
(George is still focused)
George: I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine; I started leafing through it...
Jerry: Glamour?
(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)
George: So, one thing lead to another...
Jerry: So, what did she do?
George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!"
Jerry: What's the matter?
George: My mother caught me.
Jerry: Caught you? Doing what?
George: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone...
Elaine: You mean..?!
George: (Nods) Uh-huh.
Kramer: (laughing) She caught you?
(after learning that Elaine is out of the "contest")
George: You caved?!
Jerry: It's over?!
George: You're out?!
Jerry: Oh my God, the Queen is dead!
Jerry: (after George tells him about the hot nurse who gives sponge baths to the gorgeous patient)
Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George: Well Jerry, my mother...
Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: I'm queen of the castle.
(Kramer sits in front of Jerry's window to see a naked lady)
Jerry: She's not there!
Kramer: Oh, I can wait...
Jerry: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh, shaving.
Elaine: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.
Kramer: Not everyday.
Estelle: Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!
Elaine: (angrily) He left with Marla, the virgin?!
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: It was, uh, John John.
Jerry and George: Ohhhhh. John John.
Estelle: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at 3:00 in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk; I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
George: (from outside the plane, we don't hear him but he is saying...) KRAMER!!!!
Elaine: Oh, look at this. He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ?
(the plane lands, Jerry looks out the window and sees Kramer running)
Jerry: (to himself) Nah, couldn't be.
Kramer: Listen, I didn't do anything wrong. That guy owes me 240 bucks!
Security Guard: Now, you're in big trouble.
(Kramer breaks free from his arms and runs off)
George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!
Kramer: She talked me in to it. She said it was the best deal.
Attendant: You're not supposed to get up during the food service.
Elaine: Well, nobody told me that!
Elaine: (To herself, loudly to the guy next to her) Wake up, you human slug! Wake up!Wake up!!
Tia: Excuse me; I think you're in my seat.
Jerry: Oh, sorry. My mistake. (to himself) Thank... you!
(After Jerry selfishly takes the lone first-class seat available he confronts Elaine about the issue)
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first-class?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right then. See, you don't know what you're missing. I've flown first-class. I can't go back to coach. I can't, I won't.
Elaine: We flew here coach.
Jerry: Yeah, that's true.
Elaine: Oh, alright. If the plane crashes, everyone in first class is going to die anyway.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
George: You don't understand, there's a blurb about me in this magazine!
Prisoner: A blurb?! You're a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
Guard: All right, let's go.
(George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption "Caught!" written below.)
Tia: So, he says, "squeeze your breasts together," and I say, "I thought this was an ad for shoes." (Tia and Jerry both laugh)
Jerry: Oh my...
Kramer and George: (singing) I like to stop at the duty free shop. I like to stop at the duty free shop. I like to stop at the duty free shop.
Tia: This ice cream is really nice.
Jerry: Oh you know what, they've put the fudge at the bottom of the ice cream. That way you can control your fudge distribution as you eat it.
Tia: I never knew a man who knew so much about nothing.
Jerry: Thank you.
Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker.
Attendant: More anything?
Jerry: More everything!
Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.
Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.
Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.
Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too.
Tia: It's almost overwhelming.
Attendant: And today we're featuring wines from the Tuscany region.
Jerry and Tia: Tuscany!
Jerry: Bon voyage, Lainey!
(approaches to the guy that was sitting next to her as he is sleeping)
Elaine: HEY!!
(the man wakes up in surprise)
George: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You cannot abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... we must go forward... not back.
Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. Because a girl runs like a girl, with the little steps and the arms flailing out. You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
Kramer: Listen to the bell, Grossbard...it tolls for thee.
Jerry: I got my bags. I'm ready to go.
Elaine: Yeah, you got your bags!
(scene goes to Honolulu International Airport where we see Elaine's luggage going around the baggage terminal)
Kramer: (stuck in traffic) How does it look on your side? (George just stares at him angrily) We'll get there.
Jerry: It smells like a cheap hooker. Or is that you?
Elaine: Give me ten bucks and find out.
George: But you are, blanche. You are in the shackles!
Prisoner: You son of a... (gets taken away)
George: (happily) Oh, I can't wait to read my Time magazine. Last copy too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow, in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyoouutiful day! Have a nice life, sentence that is! Oh, you miserable...
George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!
Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!
Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. (to attendant) What is going on?
Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.
Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is that curtain is no security. There really should be a locking door.
Elaine: You're eating my food!!
Attendant: Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.
Elaine: Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is.
Attendant: Would you care for some slippers?
Jerry: Sounds lovely! (To Tia) May I?
Tia: Please! (puts slippers on her)
Jerry: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.
Elaine: (to a woman next to her) Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum; that's helpful.
Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
Jerry: We'll call him.
Elaine: There's no time.
Jerry: No time? (to ticket lady) Is there time?
Ticket Lady: There's no time.
Jerry: There's no time.
Elaine: Do you realize the people back here are getting cookies!?
Elaine: Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her.
George: Who says?
Elaine: You did.
Jerry: But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.
Tia: I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators)
Jerry: But there, but there was no pick! I, I did not pick! There was no pick!
Tia: I gotta go. (she quickly walks away from Jerry)
Jerry: No! No pick!
Jerry: What? So what? It's a nipple. A little brown circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them. (lifts up shirt)
Kramer: I got them too. (lifts up shirt also)
Jerry: See? Everybody's got them.
Jerry: Here. Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.
Newman: Yeah, your nipple's showing.
Elaine: (shocked) That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Ah, Nana and Papa.
George: What is with this damn zipper?
George: Was it a scratch or a pick?
Jerry: It was a pick!
George: Hey, it's me you're talking to! Was there any nostril penetration?
Jerry: (stutters) There may have been some accidental penetration!
Elaine: I don't know but... I think I see your...
(scene ends)
Kramer: THE BEACH!!! (enters the apartment) You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume you're wearing?
Tia: It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.
Kramer: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y'see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.
Jerry: I know look at this (shows an ad from CK)
Kramer: (shocked) Whooo! That's you! What is going on here? The gyp, he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. They're not going to get away with this. (leaves)
Kramer: What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was.
Jerry: Oh, you're tall. She's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall? We're all tall.
Elaine: Date with Fred.
Jerry: The religious guy???
Elaine: He's not THAT religious!
Jerry: Let us pray...
Elaine: Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally expose myself, but, now, I wish I had. For it is not me, but you who have been exposed, for I have seen the nipple on your soul!
George: So we go to her apartment and she goes to the bathroom. I'm cursing myself, "now how do I get out of here?" Then it hit me like a bolt of lightning. The pick!
Jerry: Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her?
George: No. That's disgusting!
Jerry: Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick?
Elaine: So, what's that?
Kramer: (not noticing) That's a nipple.
Elaine: Right!!
Kramer: (notices it) Ooo!
Elaine: Aw, great!? Didn't you see that?
Kramer: Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. No.
Jerry: Volunteer work... See, that's what I love about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside.
Co-worker: (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, you need that manuscript or can I take it home?
Elaine: Yeah, take it! Take it! And stop calling me "Nip"!
Jerry: Did you look at look at this picture carefully?
Elaine: Carefully?
Jerry: Because I'm not sure and ... and ... and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see a nipple.
Jerry: So, I'm thinking of putting in a tropical fish tank right here.
Tia: Are you sure you're ready for that kind of commitment?
Jerry: Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet.
Tia: That's horrible!
Jerry: I am not an animal!
George: Is this Elaine? (picks up the card)
Dana: Yeah.
George: Huh! (makes an unusual look to the card)
Jerry: Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?!
George: (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby, oh, won't you tell her. I love her. Oh, hey...
Jerry: George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
George: Hey! How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.
Elaine: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. (rubs George's head on her breasts) Here's your Christmas card.
George: She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs.
George: Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunking a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it.
Susan: I'm not a soft boiled egg.
George: And I am not a piece of toast.
Kramer: I just wanted to borrow your "Dust Buster."
CK Representative: His buttocks are sublime.
George: (describing Jerry) Like, a horse face, big teeth, and a pointed nose.
Elaine: (describing Kramer) Have you seen a tall, lanky dufus with a bird face and hair like the bride of Frankenstein?
Elaine: No, I don't want to go to a mini-plex multi-theater! It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POW's to show them propaganda films.
Kramer: (describing Jerry) A guy who's about five foot eleven, he's got uh, a big head and flared nostrils.
Announcer: A young woman's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. It's a story about life, and love, and becoming a woman. "Rochelle, Rochelle" now playing at the Paradise Twin.
Elaine: George, you're sappin' my strength.
Jerry: (to his annoying colleague Pat) No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?
Elaine: Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
Kramer: I don't want a movie hot dog. I want a Papaya King hot dog!
George: (describing Elaine) A pretty woman, you know, kinda short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan.
The Ticket Lady: (describing George) A short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head.
George: I have been going to the movies for 25 years and nobody ever asks me for the stub.
Elaine: (about George) He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show and go see the other show.
Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't
seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
Cheryl: I understand.
George: Kramer goes to a Fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass backwards in the money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; now that's a fantasy camp.
George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable, but toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
Babu's brother: Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!
Elaine: The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the twenty-first century.
George:(to Jerry) Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
Elaine: Snapple?
Babu's Brother: No, too fruity.
Elaine: Who'd you punch?
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, a little chin music... put him right on his pants, because I got to intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place! So... I had to plunk him.
George: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!
George: I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El-Clowno!
Babu: (blaming Jerry for his deportation to Pakistan) I am going to save up every rupee. For someday, I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget it, he haunts me. He is a very bad man, very, very bad man.
Jerry: Well, birthdays are really symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic life, this is who we are to the bitter end, inevitably, irrevocably... happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Jerry is dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!
George: Jerry's whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!
Babu: (to Jerry) You're a very bad man.
George: Nobody is sicker than me.
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines, and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines, and junk mail, there is no mail.
Jerry: Why don't we just say give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, if they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving.
George: How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do you like that criticism?
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky! You get a sense of it and then you look away.
(George is looking at Russell's daughter and her cleavage)
Russell: Get a good look, Costanza?
Jerry: (on men) We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head.
Jerry: You know primavera is Italian for spring.
George: No!
Kramer: I understand women. The snub is good. They love the snub.
George: Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kids. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.
Elaine: Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?
George: (trying one more tactic to end their relationship) I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.
Allison: You're gay?
George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.
George: (trying to convince a reporter that he's not gay) Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!
Jerry: We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Jerry: I've been outed, and I was never in!
(on being homosexual)
Jerry and/or George:Not that there's anything wrong with that!
(When Elaine refuses to remove her coat)
George: Ya know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!
George: I'm Buck Naked!
(To Jerry in front of reporter from NYU)
George: You see the way he talks to me?
George: (explaining how he and Jerry met) Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.
Kramer: Come on, I thought we were all gonna take a steam.
Jerry & George: No! No Steam!
Kramer: Well I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself!
George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!
Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?
George: It's "Guys And Dolls," not "Guys And Guys."
George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!
Jerry: The agency sent me.
Mr. Fields: The agency, what agency? The CIA?
George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any sense?! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talking about anymore!!?! Wait a second! Where are you going?
Mr. Cantwell: Life's too short to waste on you.
Jerry: I HATE my guy...he's a mean, MEAN guy!
Old Man: My teef! My teef!
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...
Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.
Ron: Pardon me?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) A piece of crap...
Newman: A piece of crap.
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I find you extremely ugly...
Newman I find you extremely ugly.
Ron: Do you?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) You emit a foul and unpleasant odor...
Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
Ron: Oh, is that right?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I loathe you...
Newman: I loathe you.
George: (to housekeeper) I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.
George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
George: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry: All right, all right.
Old Lady: What's bothering you? Is it my goiter?
Elaine: Goiter? What goiter?
Old Lady: This football shaped growth jutting out of my neck!
Elaine: Oh, no...it's distinctive; as a matter of fact I wish I had one!
Elaine: You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head." But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.
Elaine: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.
Jerry: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.
(Trying to convince Jerry the man at the health club is Salman Rushdie.)
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind?! He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon he went with bass. He just substituted one fish for another!
Kramer: (while in the sauna) Whew. It's like a sauna in here.
(George double-dips a chip, and Timmy rushes over to him after seeing what he did)
Timmy: What are you doing?
George: What?
Timmy: Did...did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: Double-dipped? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again.
George: So?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
Sidra: And by the way. They're real, and they're spectacular!
Elaine: (to Jerry) Just when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
Elaine: You know, uh... They're fake.
Kramer: Come on, what's wrong with my boys?
Jerry: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
Elaine: Come on. Don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?
Jerry: Yes they do!
Jerry: I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.
George: (explaining why he wants to watch a video at Jerry's place) Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.
Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!
Kramer: They're gonna cut him open. His guts'll be all over the place!
(Jerry is in his apartment, obliviously relating the day's events to George.)
Jerry: Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!
George: What do you mean "into the patient?"
Jerry: Into the patient, literally!
George: Into the hole?
Jerry: Yes, the hole!
George: Didn't they notice it?
Jerry: No!
George: How could they not notice it?!
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.
George: W-ca-What did they do?
Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
George: They left the Junior Mint in him?
Jerry: Yes!
George: I-I guess it can't hurt him. People eat pounds of those things.
Jerry: Yes, they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
Kramer: Come on Jerry hurry I don't want to miss it.
Jerry: Let me finish my coffee. Then we'll go watch 'em slice this fat bastard up.
Kramer: We'll open 'em up and saw through the bone...(imitates saw noise)Gneeerrrr! We'll see what's INSIDE bone!
Jerry: (guessing his girlfriend's name) Mulva?
George: "Interest" - it's an amazing thing, you make money by doing nothing.
Jerry: I have some friends who base their lives on that very principal.
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: No one you know.
Jerry: Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling...
Elaine: Did you hear that Jerry? He couldn't eat for weeks!
Jerry: (uncaring) That's terrible...
Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above...
Kramer: Mint?
Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.
Jerry: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe - 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', 'Seinsmelled'...
(George is intently watching "Home Alone")
Elaine: What's with him?
Jerry: You know, a lot of people have asked that.
Dolores: Oh, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh...you.
George: Someone stole the video right out of the car!
Jerry: Someone stole Rochelle, Rochelle?
Restaurateur: Well, you left the window open.
Jerry: We had to air out the car.
Jerry: Hey, I've never smelled in my life, buddy.
Restaurateur: Really? Well, I can smell you now.
Jerry: That's from the car!
Susan: You okay?
George: Yeah, yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.
Susan: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman.
George: Oh, please! Me? C'mon? That's great! Are you kidding? I think that's fantastic! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan: I KNOW who I'm talking to.
George: Of course you do...It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never knew, uh, that, uh...
Susan: I liked women.
George: There you go.
George: (about "Rochelle, Rochelle") It's not even frontal nudity. It's, err... sidal nudity.
George: (on Kramer) He stole your girlfriend?
Susan: Yes. She's in love with him.
George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.
Jerry: It still smells.
George: How could it still smell after all that?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Well, what are you gonna do?
Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car.
George: You're selling the car?
Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I'll take anything I can get for it.
George: Maybe I'll buy it.
Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This isn't just an odor! You need a priest to get rid of this thing!
(Elaine comes in)
Elaine: I still smell.
Jerry: You see? You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!
Kramer: What happened?
Jerry: What happened? My car "stinks" is what happened. And it's destroying the lives of everyone in its path.
Elaine: When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Jerry: It means he's lying.
Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: I think it's B.O.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: It's B.O. The valet must've had B.O.
Jerry: It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So, when somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.
George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I did this?
Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy.
George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
Jerry: Oh no, that's ridiculous.
George: What if her experience with me drive ger to it?
Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.
Jerry: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
Elaine: What am I, hard of smelling?
Jerry: So, this morning, I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odor molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a punch in the face, the stench hits me. It's almost as if it had GAINED strength throughout the night.
George: Oh, this isn't even BO. This is beyond BO. It's BBO.
Susan: (pounding on Kramer's door) Kramer! Kramer!
Jerry: What's that? What's going on?
Susan: Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!
Jerry: Susan.
Susan: Kramer!
Jerry: What is going on?
Susan: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me! Then, he burns down my father's cabin! And now, he's taken Mona away from me!
Manager: What do you mean-- "stunk up?"
Jerry: I mean the car stinks! George, does the car stink?
George: Stinks.
Jerry: Stinks!
Jerry: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush...
Jerry: (to Elaine) I opened the car door this morning; it was like a punch in the face! It was almost as if the smell GAINED strength overnight.
(The car has been washed, but Jerry realizes that the smell is still there)
Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!
(Cut to Carl's apartment, where he smells Elaine's hair)
Carl: It still smells.
George: (finding out that his former girlfriend is a lesbian) Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.
Jerry: (to the restaurateur, who thinks Jerry has the BO) Well, then go out and smell the car, see which smells worse.
Jerry: You've gotta smell the car.
Restaurateur: I'm a busy man.
Jerry: Come on, one whiff.
Restaurateur: Oh, all right, one whiff.
(In the next scene, Jerry and George have the restaurateur locked inside the car, and he realizes that it stinks)
Restaurateur: All right, I give up! I admit it, it stinks! Now, could you let me out?!
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah, you'll pay for the cleaning?
Restaurateur: Yes, $50! I'll give you $50!
Jerry: $50? I don't think that's gonna cover it.
Restaurateur: Whatever you want! I'll give you whatever you want!
Jerry: I want half, 125!
Restaurateur: Yes, yes, 125 is good! Now, would you please just open the door?!
(Jerry opens the door and lets him out)
Kramer: You "stink." Why don't you go take a shower?
Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second. Since I showered, I've been in the car.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive!
Jerry: The "B" is gone, but the "O" is still there!
Jerry: (referring to the car) This...THING...has got to be stopped!
Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars.
George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source...
George: Is it my imagination, or do really good-looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?
Elaine: We don't walk that fast.
Jerry: Your father got arrested? What for?
George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
Jerry: How about this: You put your car in the good spot. That'll hold the good spot in front of the good building and we can get the good car!
George: Good thinking.
Jerry: (shaking George's hand) Good to meet you.
Jerry: We'll give the keys to Elaine.
Elaine: Me?
Jerry: Yeah. You're a woman. Men won't hit a woman.
Elaine: Oh, they won't?
Jerry: Not if they don't know you.
George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
George: What if there's a fire?
Kramer: Now what are the chances of that?
Jerry: We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.
Kramer: No, no. My car's not running.
(George comes out from the bathroom)
Jerry: What about your father's car?
George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighborhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.
Kramer: She's got everything I've ever wanted in another human being ... except for the walking.
Jerry: Hey, what's going on?
Angry Woman: Some jerk parked in the handicap spot, so this woman in a wheel chair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave out, and she rolled backwards into the wall. They had to take her to St. Elizabeth's...
Jerry: Is she okay?
Angry Woman I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. He may not get out alive. Lazy bum! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay?
Jerry: Sons of bitches.
Kramer: I love the name 'isosceles'. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
Kramer: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus?
Jerry and George: (hesitating) No...
George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?
Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and they're not there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
Elaine: Well, they have to give up sometime, they can't stay out there all night.
Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? I mean, how did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomsticks in her spokes and she went flying.
Kramer: Make sure we dont forget where the car is parked.
Jerry: (as George picks up a broken piece of his father's car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...
Maj-Jongg Lady: (referring to George) Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt.
Frank Costanza: No it isn't!
Salesman: This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you're almost glad to be handicapped.
George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.
Jerry: (to George) You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: I give up! I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
Jerry: According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?
Russel: We've got very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh, yeah, you know, I've heard of him. He's that, "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy.
(At the casting)
Melissa: It's like a bald convention out there. (She sees George) Sorry, I made a faux pas.
Jerry: No, you didn't, he knows he's bald.
TV Elaine: I want to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her.
Jerry: Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals Banlon and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.
TV Elaine: What about sex?
Jerry: She likes talking during sex.
TV Elaine: Dirty talking?
Jerry: No. Just chitchat, movies, current events. Regular stuff.
Kramer: (Talking to the actor who will be playing him in the pilot) Now, sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work, you know? You should be writing this stuff down.
'Crazy' Joe: Good luck on the pilot Jerry...(smiles)
Calvin Klein: (about Jerry) I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
Tia: But he picks his nose.
George: Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.
TV Kramer: How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?
(Advising a constipated Kramer)
Jerry: My friend it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.
Kramer: Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think, you're wasting your time. I am not, Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area.
George: (on the phone) This is George Costanza. I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God! Why? Why? Why? What? Negative's good? Yes, of course. How stupid of me.
George: What about Davola? Did you believe that? What was that thing he yelled out, sic semper tyrannis? Is that Latin? Jerry: John Wilkes Booth yelled it when he shot Lincoln.
George: Really? What's it mean?
Jerry: It means "death to tyrants."
George: I could see that.
TV Butler: I need more Pledge.
Jerry: More Pledge? I just bought two cans last week, and I don't have any wood in the house.
Jerry: You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?
TV Elaine: Why do I need your permission?
Jerry: Because he's my butler.
Jerry: Did you ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? I think when you name a baby Jeeves; you've pretty much mapped out his future. Not much chance he's gonna be a hitman. "Terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you."
Jerry: What about the panting, the moaning, the groaning, the screaming?
Elaine: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex...to save the friendship? Well, if we have to we have to.
Jerry: What, are you upset now?
Elaine: Yes, I'm upset! Can't you tell?
Jerry: No, maybe you're faking.
Jerry: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I know how to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union.
Jerry: Nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes, you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.
George: I think I'll have a chocolate malted here!
George: You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute.
Karen: You think I was faking?
George: Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.
Elaine: What about our friendship?
Jerry: Oh friendship. Friendship schmiendship.
George: That reminds me you owe $47.50 for the fruit.
Jerry: I don't have any cash.
Kramer: I've only got hundreds.
Jerry: Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phoney-baloney.
Kramer: (admiring Elaine's ability to fake it) You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment. She woke me up a few times.
Kramer: The supermarket! That's impossible, they don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry, I don't know what's going on with the papayas!
Joe: Whaddaya want me to do?
Kramer: I want restitution
Joe: Oh, you want restitution? How about this? You're banned!
Kramer: You're banning me?
Joe: That's right! Banned!
Kramer: But what am I going to do for fruit?!
George: I don't want any mango.
Kramer: Come on, take some. It's good.
(George tries a piece)
George: Very good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got some terrific fruit.
(George looks a little weird)
Jerry: What?
George: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!
Kramer: I told you.
(George stands still)
Jerry: What is it?
George: I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
(Elaine enters the apartment)
Elaine: Hi George.
George: I'm back, baby, I'm back!
Kramer: So she faked 'em, so what?
Jerry: The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses...that's sexual perjury!
George: She gave me the hook.
Jerry: You got the hook?
George: It's like the manager coming out to ask you for the ball.
George: Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?!?
Manager: I only hope you have a little more self-control.
George: You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest.
George: Have you completely lost your mind? Who's dressing you? You look like a complete idiot!
Kramer: (admiring George's hands) Oh, those are nice. Ya know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth, creamy, delicate, yet masculine.
George: Stress is very damaging to the epidermis.
Elaine: (to Jerry) You're all puffed up! You look like the Count of Monte Cristo!
Homeless Guy #1: (wearing the Puffy Shirt) Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?
Kramer: This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry -- this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!
Jerry: But, I don't wanna to be a pirate!
George: My whole life was ruined because of the puffy shirt.
Estelle: I think you're all a little touched in the head.
Jerry: (to George's mom) I don't know if I feel comfortable handing out baloney sandwiches in the building.
Estelle: Georgie, would you like some Jell-O?
Frank: Why'd you put the bananas in there?
Estelle: George likes the bananas!
Frank: SO LET HIM HAVE BANANAS ON THE SIDE!!!
George: Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
Dwayne: Who said anything about a discount?
Kramer: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
Dwayne: For what?
Kramer: (takes out candy bar) Remember this?
Dwayne: What are you doing?
Kramer: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a Ring Ding! And two Butterfingers on the train. Sound familiar?
Elaine: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Kramer: Of what?
Jerry: Rabies.
Kramer: Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
Elaine: I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid, hipster doofus!
Jerry: (to Amy) Well let's cut the bull, sister!
(After setting the air conditioner in the open window.)
Kramer: Installed.
Kramer: I think it got the dog!
Elaine: That's it? I don't need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot, dog bite.
Elaine: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof; not bang-bang.
Jerry: Who picked these out?
George: I did.
Jerry: They're ladies glasses. You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear them while you're playing Canasta.
George: I was spottin' those raccoons...
Jerry: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.
George: I gotta get out of this city.
Jerry: So you're tunneling to the center of the earth?
Kramer: (to the optometrist) You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's Fruit Stand and stuffing cantaloupe down your throat!
Elaine: (looking out Jerry's window) Do you ever spit on anybody from here?
Elaine: Is this going to hurt?
Doctor: Yes, very much.
Jerry: (to George) I don't know what to believe. You're eatin' onions, you're spottin' dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!
George: I'm at the health club, and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
Elaine: You don't have an old pair?
George: I broke 'em playing basketball.
Jerry: He was running from a bee.
Kramer: Retail is for suckers.
Jerry: (to George) We're behind you, AquaBoy! God speed!
Kramer: (to George) May I have one of those, Madam?
Kramer: Did he use any slang? Did he say 'man' a lot? What about when he was leaving? Did he say, 'I'm splittin'?
George: I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back.
Jerry: You know, I thought I'd heard of everything. I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation.
Elaine: So, because of a few bad seeds, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
Kramer: Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.
(Jerry leaves the apartment, closes the door, realizes what Kramer said and comes back inside)
Jerry: The what?
George: Jerry, where'd you get that sweater?
Jerry: What do you think? I found it in the back of my closet.
George: I think that's what the back of closets are for.
Frank: (lecturing George about bras) You know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two, but then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.
Kramer: Here's to feeling good all the time.
Elaine: (to George) Ask your mother. You live with her now, don't you?
Jerry: 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'
Kramer: Exclamation point!!
Jerry: 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
Kramer: Double exclamation point!!!
Kramer: (about the Bris) Hey, we're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is gonna be his first memory of his parents, just standing there while some stranger cuts off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch!
Mohel: Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all...
(A pan clangs to the ground. The Mohel snaps.)
Mohel: Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack!
Jerry: How about our little Elaine... Attending the finest finishing schools on the eastern seaboard, equestrian competitions, debutante balls... Look at her now - interviewing mohels.
Mohel: Cows don't have families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life.
George: So, any word from the Pigman?
Kramer: No!
George: And he's not a Pigman, is he?
Kramer: Nooo, just a fat little mental patient!
Jerry: (looking for the pigman) Human... human... human... human... Wait a second! Oh, it's George.
George: Jerry, you have to see this! I pulled the car in perfectly equidistant from the car in front and the car behind!
Kramer: (describing the pigman) Pork! Sausage! Abadee, abadee, that's all, folks!
Kramer: Pigman, baby! Pigman!
Mohel: (to Elaine) Darling, you see where that glass is? You see how that glass is near the edge of the table? You got the whole table there to put the glass; why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table? You breathe and that glass falls over, and then you've got broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag. Broken glass, bits of broken glass you can never get out. You can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you never get all the pieces. And then you think you got it all, and then one day two years later, you're walking barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself! Is that what you want? I don't think that's what you want, is it? Do you? Huh?
Elaine: Did you find the place alright?
Mohel: Did I find it alright? Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't smack me over the head and steal my bag! Because I'll be lying there and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like a mongrel, like an animal! God forbid anybody should help me, or call an ambulance. Oh no, that's too much trouble, to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point?
Mohel: (with increasing tension) Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry? 'Cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control over your child? 'Cause this is the time to exercise it, when the baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!
George: (about the suicide on his car) The guy swan-dives from twenty floors. Had to land right on my roof. I mean, what have I got, a bullseye up there? He couldn't move over two feet?! Land on the sidewalk, it's city property!!!
Kramer: (about the Bris) It's a barbaric ritual.
Jerry: It's tradition.
Kramer: Well, we used to sacrifice virgins to appease the Gods, but we don't do that anymore.
Jerry: Maybe we should.
George: You know, I wish there were Pigmen. You get a bunch of these Pigmen walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. So when someone sets me up they could say, well at least he's no Pigman.
Kramer: Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished oink of Pigman cries out for help!
Jerry: If I hear an anguished oink, I'm out of here.
Kramer: Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed.
George: Well, I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth. So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today. Someone is gonna pay for this damage and it's not gonna be me!
Jerry: Ah, you're screwed.
George: I know.
Kramer: Hey, I'm telling you, the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the 50's.
Jerry: I've never had stitches! I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's just not me!
Jerry: So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? Do you really think she'd be that superficial?
George: Why not? I would be.
Newman: (to Jerry) Alright... alright, you go ahead... You go ahead, you keep your secret... But you remember this: when you control the mail, you control... information.
George: Yup, she's a BL.
Jerry: BL?
George: Beautiful Lineswoman.
Elaine: Yah, and when I see freaks in the street, I never, ever stare at them and yet I'm careful not to look away, cause I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
Jerry: (to Laura) How about six? Six is good. You got a problem with six?
Jerry: (after Kramer tackles Monica Seles) Thus ends the great ball man experiment.
George: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me." Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me.
Gwen: All right, George, it's you.
George: You're damn right it's me.
Jerry: (to Kramer) You want to be a ball man? Go ahead and break the ball barrier.
Jerry: Oh, well. What are you, deaf?
Laura: Bingo!
Ball Boy: Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?
Kramer: I may be old, but I'm spry.
Jerry: (on the yogurt, within Matthew's earshot) This is so f***ing good!
Jerry: Cursing isn't something comedians usually do.
Matthew: But you did it.
Kramer: Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology.
Kramer: Hey, I'll tell you what, chubbs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.
Jerry: Well, let's start the insanity.
Kramer: Mmmmmm... giddyup!
Newman: (joking with fellow postal workers) Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said 'Nice try, Granny,' and I sent her to the back of the line.
Elaine: What if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? (twitches arm) Even you can't keep that up.
Jerry: No, I believe he can.
Elaine: Where's your bathroom scale?!
(Jerry rolls his eyes.)
Jerry: Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt at the yogurt place. Does that have any fat in it?
Mary: No *beep*ing way!
Jerry: (to Matthew) What the f**k are you doing, you little piece of s**t?!
Matthew: (to Jerry) Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*!
Frank: (to Lloyd) You discussed George with the Mayor of New York?!?
Jerry: Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
Kramer: Oh, guess again, tubby!
Elaine: (on Lloyd) We went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lotta woman!"
George: "Faking?" What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?
Doctor: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time.
Elaine: You know what I would do if I was running for mayor? One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear nametags all the time to make the city friendlier.
Elaine: I don't eat Oreos.
Kramer: You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open and you're practically having sex with them!
Elaine: Boy, he is really cute!
George: He's a jerk. (twitches arm)
Jerry: He's gone, George.
George: Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. (twitches arm) This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.
Newman: I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it.
George: Well, a lot of people consider me small and prestigious.
Enzo: (to Jerry) You tell-a the joke, I cut-a the hair.
Secretary: (through intercom): Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you.
George: (nervously) Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?
Jerry: So what do you do there all day?
George: They gave me the Pensky file.
Jerry: In the one minute he worked on me, I could tell he was really good.
George: I enjoy understanding.
Kramer: (talking to Newman on Jerry's phone) So, when are you gonna be able to go out?
Newman: (with a shaved head) Not for a while.
Elaine: (auctioning off Kramer) He likes fruit, and uh, he just got a haircut.
George: In college they used to call me 'The Little Bulldog'.
Newman: Can I use your bathroom?
Jerry: What's wrong with yours?
Newman: My toilet's clogged.
Jerry: You can't unclog it?
Newman: No.
Jerry: Did you ask Kramer?
Newman: He's out.
Jerry: Number one?
Newman: Yes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go very badly.
Jerry: All right. Flush twice.
George: Ta ta, Tut-tel.
Kramer: I could raise enough money to cure polio.
George: I have an idea.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I show up.
Jerry: Whadya mean, you show up?
George: I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back I'm ensconced.
Jerry: Hmmmmm... Not bad.
Jerry: I want you to have this job. Of course, sodomy is a pre-requisite.
George: Yes, I like to feel cozy. You know, I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled.
George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Yeah, so?
Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
Kramer: (after getting a massage) Hey! I am looser than creamed corn.
Jerry: It's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho... I want a potato.
Joel: Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?
Elaine: Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (baby-talk) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother!
Jerry: (monologue) If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards, right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down.
Elaine: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't want to give them on dates.
Jerry: (disgusted) Yeah, I know, she just wants to have sex...
Jerry: (about George) He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his non-date personality.
Elaine: I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.
Karen: Does everybody in the world have to like you?
George: Yes, yes! Everybody in the world has to like me! I must be liked!
George: She stayed over?
Jerry: (disappointed) Yeah.
George: The sex wasn't so good?
Jerry: (unenthusiastic) No. The sex was fabulous.
George: So?
Jerry: I want the massage!
Elaine: Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?
Jerry: Yeah. Eighteen strangles.
Kramer: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing.
Kramer: What about my massage?!
Jerry: Ask Newman.
Jerry: You're a massage teaser!
George: Jerry, this woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
Jerry: What?
George: She just dislikes me so much--it's irresistable.
Kramer: (after Jerry orders him to stay away from his girlfriend) Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out?
Kramer: (selling his coffee table book idea) And on the cover is a built-in coaster.
Jerry: You can't give something and take it back that makes you an.....
Winona: A what? An indian giver?
Jerry: I'm not familiar with that term!
Frank: That's it! You're grounded!
Frank: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.
Estelle: (to Sylvia) George doesn't work. He's a bum.
Frank: (to George) What is this? A prophylactic rubber?
Estelle: What is this doing on my bed?
George: We're collectors. We see objects of great beauty and we must have them.
Jerry: (Complaining about the Chinese mailman's reaction) When someone asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle!
George: I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing I had that was chilled.
Sylvia: Fine.
George: I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination must have just flown out of my head. It's a mental block.
Sylvia: (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath?
George: ...No, that's me.
Ricky: (to Elaine) You look scrumptious!
Jerry: Ya know, I don't get it. I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.
Frank: How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she expect you to watch TV? Am I just supposed to turn it on and wander aimlessly around the dial?
Ricky: (to Elaine) See, on this particular Tuesday you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy!
Kramer: Hey, you know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables!
Priest: What aspect of the faith do you find particularly attractive?
George: I think the hats.
Jerry: Fungicide! So what could she have?
Elaine: I don't know.
Kramer: Fungus.
Jerry: Exactly.
Jerry: (to George, who is thinking of converting to Latvian Orthodox) You know, it's not like changing toothpaste.
Estelle: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George: For a woman.
Frank: A woman! What are you out of your mind?
Estelle: Why can't you do anything like a normal person?
Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
George: By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza!
Jerry: And what does Brother Costanza plan on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
Kramer: I always open medicine cabinets.
Elaine: I trust people not to do that.
Kramer: Big mistake!
Kramer: Oh, this power! Look what I'm doing! I'm dangerous, Jerry! I'm very very dangerous!
Jerry: You're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
Jerry: (in reference to The Masseuse episode) Ahh, I've been waiting a while for this.
Jerry: (eating popcorn) Mmm... I love this artificial flavoring. I like it better than butter. I think it's more consistent.
George: It's a different world when you're with a cool guy.
Jerry: (about Tony) George is like a schoolgirl around him.
Jerry: (reacting to Jane's bad experience in the bathroom) Who does she think she is? How dare she! You want me to get the manager? Too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with the flashlights anymore... flush her out.
Jerry: (about Tony) He's a male bimbo. He's a Mimbo!
George: (trying to be cool with Tony) I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down.
Kramer: (about Tony) Now I think that you're in love with him.
George: What? That's ridiculous.
Kramer: No, no. I don't think so. You love him.
George: You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either!
Jane/Elaine: I can't spare a square. I don't have a square to spare.
Tony: Step off, George!
George: (talking about Elaine) I'm a little scared of her.
(The bakery clerk is coughing horribly)
Jerry: Oh, that's lovely. That's what you wanna see, yeah. Yeah, you wanna trade your hair for some phlegm. Yeah, that's a good deal, you win the pennant with that trade. Hair for phlegm.
Elaine: As soon as I get there, I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are.
Barbara: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are.
Kramer: All right, let's go. Who's driving?
Jerry: You are, I can't get that thing in my car. (referring to George)
Elaine: You know, I was just thinking, the four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine.
George: Oh, here we go.
Elaine: What?
George: Why don't we get them a couch?
(Kramer starts laughing)
George: We'll rent a U-Haul. We'll bring them a nice sectional.
Jerry: My stomach. I think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?
Jerry: I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
Kramer: Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?!
George: Are you crazy?! What are you doing?! You're gonna get us killed!
Kramer: What?
George: Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows on top of us.
Kramer: All right, let's go buy something and we'll get some change.
George: I am not buying something just to get change.
Kramer: George, there's a news stand right over there. Now, come on.
Elaine: You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
Jerry: I'm looking forward to it.
Elaine: Yeah, I think it'll be a smooth transition for you.
Jerry: Thank you.
Jerry: Look to the cookie Elaine, look to the cookie.
Kramer: Ooooo, I like Ring Dings.
(In Kramer's car)
Kramer: (Shouting out the window) HEY, YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON!
George: It's a funeral procession.
Kramer: (referring to George's coat) You better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war.
Kramer: (on Penthouse Forum) Hey, did you ever read one of these?
George: It's not real. They're all made up.
Kramer: Oh, it's real.
George: (sarcastic) You know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES!!
Jerry: We've got to get the cinnamon.
Elaine: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser babka.
Jerry: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh, this is so good. What's in it?," the answer invariably comes back, cinnamon. Cinnamon, again and again. Lesser babka? I think not.
Jerry: What are we going to do now? If we can't get the babka the whole thing's useless.
Elaine: Well, how about a carrot cake?
Jerry: Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.
Elaine: Black Forest?
Jerry: Black Forest? Too scary. You're in the forest, oohh. How about a Napoleon?
Elaine: Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengele.
Jerry: The key to eating a black and white cookie is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved.
Jerry: (to George) You're pretty comfortable up there, huh Bubble Boy?
(A man and woman walk toward the double parked car)
George: Oh, hey, hey, hey! That's great! That's very nice! You know, we've been waiting twenty minutes for you people! What do you think, you're Mussolini?!
Man: Back off, Puff Ball, it's not my car!
(Shoving George's shoulder, the man turns and walks away)
George: I wasn't talking to you.
George: All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Whoop dee Whoop! Imagine if we didn't bring the wine... We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! "WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!"
Clerk: Can I get you anything else?
Jerry: Oh, no thanks.
Clerk: How about a nice box of "scram"?
George: I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit of the party. People would be coming up to me, "Just between you and me, I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi." What are we, Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay...
George: It's Gore-tex. You know about Gore-tex?
Jerry: You like saying 'Gore-tex', don't you?
Liquor Store Clerk: (sounding annoyed) Can I help you guys with anything?
George: Oh, no, no, no. We bought the wine here before, but now, you know, we're blocked in by some guy double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.
Liquor Store Clerk: Well, wait outside. This isn't a hangout.
George: But my friend here has hypothermia.
Kramer: (shivering) Hypothermia.
Liquor Store Clerk: All right, guys. Take it outside.
(George turns and knocks into a wine display, breaking several bottles)
Liquor Store Clerk: You're paying for these.
(Kramer slips on the wine and falls)
Kramer: All right, look, I'm gonna have to pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.
(George swaggers over to Kramer)
George: Why not?
Kramer: Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter.
(He makes a motion with his hips)
George: "Throws your hips off kilter." So where's your money?
Kramer: I never take it.
George: So what do you do?
Kramer: Oh, I get by.
Elaine: You sold us a hair with a cake around it.
George: You're telling me wine's better than Pepsi? Huh! (snort) No way wine's better than Pepsi!
Elaine: These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.
George: Why?
Elaine: Because it's rude otherwise.
George: You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude.
Elaine: Yes.
George: So, you're telling me, instead of them being happy to see me, they're gonna be upset because I didn't bring anything. You see what I'm saying?
Jerry: The fabric of society's very complex, George.
Kramer: (Searching for a parking space) Well, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?
George: Ah, just double park.
Kramer: No, no.
George: Why not?
Kramer: I'll get a ticket! Besides, what if somebody wants to get out of here?
George: Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give 'em up.
Kramer: That's a fallacy.
George: All right, I'll tell you what...Why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
Kramer: Why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
George: Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.
Kramer: So what? I'm going to leave the car running and the heat'll be on.
George: Does the heater even work in the car?
Kramer: No.
(after Jerry throws up)
Elaine: How was it?
Jerry: Good as it gets.
George: You think chickens have individual personalities?
Kramer: I don't know.
George: If you had five chickens, could you tell them apart just by the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around "bak bak baak bak?" Because if they have individual personalities, I'm not sure we should be eating them.
Elaine: What, are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: I got my laundry back.
Elaine: Golden Boy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine: I'm sorry.
Jerry: This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue.
Jerry: (trying to make George look good) He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber, it's quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on earth. But as George says, they don't have to be.
George: It was at that moment I decided to tell her that I was not a marine biologist.
Jerry: Wow! What did she say?
George: She told me to go to hell and I took the bus home.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
(George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball)
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
(George nods)
Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
George: (to Jerry) It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doing; I know my alleys. You got me in the Galapagos Islands living with the turtles. I don't know where the hell I am!
Diane: What's going on over here?
Woman: There's a beached whale, she's dying.
Man: (yelling) Is anyone here a marine biologist?
Jerry: Did you know that the original title for 'War and Peace' was 'War, What Is It Good For?'
Kramer: (points to his head) I've got all my appointments right up here.
Jerry: Six years I've had this t-shirt. It's my best one. I call him Golden Boy.
George: (to Jerry) Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.
Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What do you mean, like postcards?
George: Oh, anything.
Jerry: She doesn't open.
George: She'll open.
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes?
George: Yes.
Jerry: What does she say?
George: I was curious.
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.
George: Then of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.
George: As I made my way past the breakers, a sudden calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention, or the kinship of all living things. But I tell you Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist.
Kramer: Hey... Who wants to have some fun?
Jerry/George: I do!
Kramer: Now are you just saying you want to have fun, or do you really want to have fun?
Jerry: I really want to have fun!
George: I'm just saying I want to have some fun.
Kramer: I've got five hundred Titleists that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway, and hit 'em.... into the ocean! Picture this: we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, take out our drivers, we tee up, and poof! The ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then: uggh!
Kramer: (to Elaine, about the mannequin) It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite!
Kramer: (inviting Elaine to scratch his back) It'll be a funky adventure.
Jerry: A chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. He wants to get caught.
Jerry: Well, Poppy's a little sloppy.
Kramer: You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ooooo! She's a maestro. The criss-cross, the figure-eight, strummin' on the old banjo. And this wild savage free-for-all where anything can happen!
Jerry: Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.
George: Oh, I'll pay...half-price.
Elaine: (to a rude store clerk) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something. If anybody should be rolling their eyes, it is me, at him, about you.
(Sitting next to Elaine and her mannequin twin.)
Jerry: I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some double mint gum.
George: So how are the eggs?
Daphne: Eggs are eggs.
George: Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. By the same token, couldn't you say fish is fish? I don't think so.
George: You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored; I genuinely dislike her.
Jerry: Well, how long you are going to keep this up?
George: Hey, I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.
Jerry: You know George, they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days
George: There's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Ah, what's there to talk about.
George: Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Why don't you talk with her about how there's nothing to talk about?
George: She knows there's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: At least she'll be talking.
George: Oh, shut up.
George: If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all.
Jerry: So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation, then all of sudden...
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It?
Elaine: It.
Jerry: Out?
Elaine: Out.
Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
Elaine: He took, hah hah... it out.
Kramer: Hey. Hey how was your date with Phil Tatola?
Elaine: He took it out.
(Kramer acts shocked)
Kramer: Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's inhuman.
Elaine: If you were a woman, would you go out with him?
Jerry: If I was a woman, I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
Fulton: I haven't cracked a smile in months.
Jerry: Oh, don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable. First you crack, then you chuckle.
Elaine: So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite?
George: Yes, I am.
Jerry: Yeah, I could see that.
Jerry: I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other, you care about each other. It's wonderful. Plus, I love saying 'my wife'. Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop. 'My wife' this, 'My wife' that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Jerry: He should just go, "Your honor, (puts on flap cap) the defense rests."
George: What if he left you a used kleenex, what's that, a Valentine?
Meryl: (to Jerry) You son-of-a-bitch!!!
George: It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
Elaine: Different pipes go to different places. You're gonna mix them up!
George: I'll call a plumber right now!
Jerry: Alright, can we cool it with the pee-pipe talk here?
Paula's father: (on Kramer) I don't see a white boy, I see a damn fool!
George: (on why he peed in the shower) It's unhealthy to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal say anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Elaine: Yeah, it's a social thing.
Jerry: I don't know why you're interested in this guy. He's a jerk!
Elaine: Because he doesn't pay any attention to me and he ignores me.
Jerry: Yeah, so?
Elaine: I respect that.
Greg: You're friends with the urinator, aren't you?
Elaine: Why couldn't you just wait?
George: I was there. I saw a drain.
Elaine: Since when is a drain a toilet?
Jerry: Hey, is that my maple syrup? Kramer hands it over.
Meryl: You bring your own syrup?
Kramer: Got to.
Jerry: (to Meryl) You got a lot to learn about pancakes.
Kramer: Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?
Elaine: Make it fifty.
Kramer: We're engaged!
Meryl: By the way, you're falling way behind on the "I love you's."
Jerry: No, no, 12-8!
Meryl: No, it's 15-8.
Jerry: I know I can't beat ya - I'm just trying to stay competitive.
Marty: (to Meryl) Sure, you get the discount, too.
Jerry: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...
Meryl: I'm taking him to the cleaners!
Jerry: Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you... (hugs Meryl) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!
Jerry: Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because, you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do...you ought to go shopping with him. "What do you think of this shirt?" "That would look good with a light starch." The only warning label people really respect is "dry-clean only." Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, "Ah, the hell with it!" But dry-clean only? "Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!"
Jerry: I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend-marriage.
George: Maybe this will become like a cool thing: living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on. Things will all be turning your way.
Morty: (on his beltless trenchcoat) This is 'The Executive'.
Morty: (on the phone) Jack, it's Morty.
Jack: Who died?
Kramer: Oh hey, Helen, uh, could I use some more of your hand lotion?
Helen: I told you it was good.
Kramer: Yeah!
Helen: It's from the Sak's Fifth Avenue in Miami.
Kramer: Mmm. I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
Jerry: Yeah, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here, in New York City.
Estelle: Maybe they don't like us.
Frank: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the paella) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?!
Estelle: Ah, keep quiet!
Frank: (agitated) What, are you trying to set my mouth on fire?!?
George: I don't know what the reason could be.
Jerry: Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas.
Helen: They're exhausting. It's like being in an asylum.
Helen: Jerry, have you seen Schindler's List?
Jerry: No, I haven't see it yet.
Helen: Oh, you have to go. You have to.
Jerry: I'm going.
Helen: You have to!
Jerry: Okayyy.
Helen: How could you?
Jerry: How could I what?
Helen: You were making out during Schindler's List?!
Jerry: What? No.
Morty: Don't lie, Jerry!
Jerry: (turns) Newman!
Elaine: (on Aaron) I can't even say anything, you know, because all he's really doing is being nice, but nobody is this nice. This is like certifiably nice.
Newman: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
Morty: What?
Newman: What, do I have to spell it out for you? He was moving on her like the stormtroopers into Poland.
Helen: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?
Newman: Yes, and a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall!!
George: (to Joey) Where the hell is your FATHER?!
Helen: Hello, Newman!
Kramer: Have you ever had really good paella?
Morty: Not really.
Kramer: Oh, it's an orgiastic feast for the senses. A festival of sights, sounds and colors.
Elaine: (on Aaron spending time with Helen and Morty) Don't you find that abnormal?
Jerry: It is a tad askew.
Toby: Look, I have goose bumps. Touch! Touch them!
Jerry: (after Toby heckled him) Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies.
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.
George: Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric... What kind of name is that for a clown?
Kramer: Then, everybody is screaming because the bus driver is passed out from all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, take him out of the seat. I get behind the wheel and now I'm driving the bus!
George: You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand, and I kept driving the bus with the other, you know. Then, I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, you know. With my foot, you know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
Jerry: There's no precedent, baby!
George: What, are you using my babies now?
George: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?
Eric: Hey man, what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is. What, is he a clown?
George: What? Is he a clown? Are you kidding me?
Eric: Well, what is he?
George: Yes, he's a clown!
Eric: Alright, so what's the big deal? There's millions of clowns. You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the '60s, man!
Jerry: Bozo the Clown. I mean, does he really need "the Clown" in his title, as clown? Are we gonna confuse him with Bozo the District Attorney? Bozo the Pope? There's no other Bozo.
Kramer: (talking about Toby) Oooh, she's a package full of energy.
Elaine: Yeah, she's a package full of something.
Robin's Mother: (at George) That's the coward that left us to die!
George: You did all this for a pinkie toe?
Kramer: Well, it's a valuable appendage.
George: She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burnt center she'll see things differently.
Jerry: So you feel women and children first, in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion?
George: To some degree.
Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves...
George: In a manner of speaking.
Jerry: Men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV.
Kramer: (about Jerry) After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building. And a street sweeper ran over her foot, and severed her pinkie toe.
George: That's unbelievable!
Kramer: Yeah, then after the ambulance left I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George: You ran?
Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the bus driver 'I've got a toe here buddy, step on it!'
Ronnie: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?
Jerry: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!
Ronnie: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.
Jerry: Well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.
Rachel: The train was so crowded; I had to sit in a seat facing the wrong way.
Jerry: Oh, I like that. It's like going back in time.
George: I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Jerry: (about topless Jane) George hasn't even seen her yet.
Elaine: Why do you think we're getting a sneak preview?
Kramer: Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: You know, get some good word-of-mouth going.
Elaine: (about the baby) He was like a Pekinese.
Jerry: Yeah, too much chlorine in that gene pool.
George: Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but...
Jerry: But what?
George: Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
Jerry: Oh, you mean... Shrinkage.
George: Yes. Significant shrinkage.
Jerry: So you feel you were shortchanged.
George: Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
George: I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be... And more!
Jane: I'm sure it is.
George: Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.
George: (upset that Jerry saw Jane topless before him) It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang, and you jump out first!
Jerry: Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
George: I was in the POOL! I was in the POOL!
Kramer: Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back.
Jerry: Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?
Kramer: C'mon, and I'll rub some on you.
Jerry: That's not sweetening the deal.
George: (about Jane) I can't believe that you saw her before me.
Jerry: Think of me as a doctor.
George: Well, how good a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police-sketch artist...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
Kramer: I saw Jane topless.
George: You saw who what?
George: This is fantastic. Man, what do we get? Swimming, lobster for dinner!
Kramer: I know, it's great. I saw Jane topless.
George: I'll tell you this, something is happening in my life! I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down! Black was white! Good was...
Jerry: ...bad
George: Day was...
Elaine: ...night
George: Yeah!
Jerry: Elaine, don't get too down. Everything will even out. See, I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?
George: A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion.
Jerry: So I guess your messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
Kramer: (to Jerry) You know who you are? Even Steven.
Yankees exec: This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same. But I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
George: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Woman: I'm Victoria. Hi.
George: Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women.
George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong.
Mr. Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences?
George: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Victoria: Who are you George Costanza?
George: I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
George: ( to his parents ) I want you to know how much you mean to me. I love you both very very much.
Jerry: (whispering to Kramer) Opposite....
Kramer: I'm starting the book tour! First stop - Regis and Kathie Lee!
Jerry: You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee?
Kramer: Oh, you better believe it.
Jerry: I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
George: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me!? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me! Try me, because I would love it!
Jerry: The New York Yankees?
George: The New York Yankees!
Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle... Costanza?!
Jerry: You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee? I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
Jerry: (to George) If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Elaine: (after realizing she and George have switched fates) I'm George. I'M GEORGE!
Regis Philbin: (introducing Kramer) This guy could be a little bonkos.
Jerry: Chicken salad's not the opposite of tuna. Salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, while the tuna swim with it.
George: Good for the tuna.
Kramer: Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!
Kramer: Let's try a few more questions, alright? If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?
(after Kramer has just shouted at Jerry for killing Karen's doves)
George: What was that all about?
Jerry: Oh, it was just Kramer. Apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with the bucket of water last night.
George: (with apathy and insensitivity) Huh.
Jerry: Hot dog?
Miss Rhode Island: No thanks. I'm watching my weight.
Jerry: Oh. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
Announcer: Mattingly just split his pants!
Jerry: Ah, that's a shame.
Kramer: These doves were murdered.
Jerry: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?
Kramer: What state?
Jerry: Rhode Island.
Kramer: They're never in contention.
Kramer: (singing) There she is...Miss Amer-
Jerry: Oh, shut the f*** up.
Jerry: So you're Miss Rhode Island? I was almost named Mr. Coffee, they felt I was a little too relaxed.
Elaine: All right, all right. Look. I don't have grace. I don't want grace. I don't even say grace. Okay?!
(watching Miss Rhode Island sing)
Jerry: It's like watching an animal get tortured.
Announcer #1: And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!
Announcer #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!
Elaine: I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onasis'...s...s.
Jerry: Generally speaking, you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner.
Elaine: I think he's got ideas.
Jerry: I wonder if any woman every said that about Einstein?
Elaine: Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
Newman: (about Margaret) She wasn't my type.
Kramer: Hey, a rule is a rule, and let's face it, without rules there's chaos.
Kramer: Poor Pinkus... Poor little Pinkus!
Jerry: Newman never stops seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him.
George: Hey, you want to get some lunch?
Jerry: Just had a big bowl of Kix.
George: Oh well, that's very mature.
Stationer: What's your last name?
Elaine: It's just Elaine. Like Cher.
Elaine: (on Newman) He's an enigma; a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
George: What's in the big salad?
Jerry: Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.
George: I think I would like to play with dolls.
Noreen: Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman.
Elaine: Well, he looks like a man.
Kramer: (volunteering at PBS) Where are the tote bags? I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised tote bags and tote bags I shall have.
Mr. Morgan: (sees George eating a Snickers with a fork) Uh, what the hell are you doing?
George: I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
Kramer: Well don't look at me!
Jerry: It's your fault!
Kramer: My fault?!? Your Nana, is missing, because she's been passing those bum checks all over town, and she finally pissed off the wrong people!
Jerry: (Slowly realizing what Elaine has done) Wha.....You hung up on my Nana?!?
Elaine: Um.....well...maybe...
Jerry: You told my Nana to drop dead?!?!
Nana: Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.
Elaine: (thinks it's Dan) Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you. Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you, so why don't you just drop dead?!
Kramer: I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?
Jerry: No. It's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work.
Elaine: (looking at Jerry's second card) Is this little bunny giving you the....
Jerry:Yes. He is.
Elaine:You should show that to Georgie.
Dan: Is Jerry in there?
Kramer: Well, he can't be disturbed now.
Dan: Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind.
Kramer: I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.
Dan: What?
Kramer: Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City: gender bending and swinging in San Francisco.
Jerry: (to George) Yea, go do your thing where you lie to everyone.
Jerry: I saw someone on the street eating M&M's with a spoon.
Jerry: (in trouble for throwing a card in the trash) It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?
George: The rule is a minimum of two days.
Jerry: You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?
George: I'm making it up.
George: Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!
Jerry: That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.
George: If my parents had a mantle, I might be a completely different person.
Jerry: (about George) It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal.
Kramer: (unhappy with boxer shorts) There's nothing holding me in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping.
George: I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and let you say something bad about him.
George: Alright, Superman's the exception.
George: (referring to divorce) All right, let me just say one thing. There is no way this is gonna happen, you hear me? No way! Because if you think I'm going to two Thanksgivings, you're out of your mind!
Jerry: Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.
Jerry: You went back to the Jockeys?
Kramer: Wrong again.
Jerry: (realizing that Kramer is not wearing underwear) Oh, no.
Elaine: What? What?
Jerry: Don't you see what's goin' on here? No boxers, no Jockeys...
(Elaine backs away from Kramer, disgusted)
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine...Kramer, say it isn't so.
Kramer: Oh, it be so.
(Jerry turns his head in disgust)
Kramer: I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.
Kramer: You ever get a woman pregnant?
Jerry: I'm sorry, Kramer, those records are permanently sealed.
Jerry: (to a polite smoker) No, go ahead. I second-hand smoke two packs a day.
George: (leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine) Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say.
Estelle: You're not Chinese?!
Donna Chang: No.
Estelle: I thought you were Chinese!
Donna Chang: I'm from Long Island.
Estelle: Long Island?! I thought I was getting advice from a Chinese woman?!
Donna Chang: I'm sorry.
Estelle: Well, then...that changes everything!
George: What?!
Estelle: She's not Chinese, I was duped!
George: So what?! She still gave you great advice! What's the difference if she's not Chinese?!
Estelle: I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!
George: Wait a minute, you're-now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island?!
Frank: You want a divorce?! You got one!
Kramer: Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. (cupping hand gesture) My boys need a house.
George: (to Jerry) I got a feeling I'm going to be much smarter than you pretty soon.
George: If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
Jerry: You're not very bright, are you?
George: No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not.
Jerry: Poppie peed on my sofa!
George: You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people: Hazel and Filbert.
Jerry: (on Elaine's boyfriend) What is his stand...on abortion?
Elaine: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry: How do you know?
Elaine: Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.
Jerry: (admiring his new sofa) What do you think Lainey?
Elaine: Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.
Jerry: Oh no. I don't want anyone sitting on it.
Kramer: That sex will melt your face.
Jerry: (talking to Kramer) Boy you can really talk some trash. I guess that's better than eating it. (looking at George)
Katya: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.
George: I think she finds my stupidity charming.
Kramer: (on going to the circus) But I'm afraid of clowns.
Mr Pitt: (doing the Nazi salute that makes him look just like Hitler) And our stock will rise high!
Jerry: (to George) Well, you, my friend, have crossed the fine line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.
Kramer: It's 3-D art. Computers generate it. Big computers!
Jerry: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.
George: I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
Jerry: Maybe you should date the mothers.
George: If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going.
Jerry: (to George) Knowing you is like going into the jungle: I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared.
Kramer: I am loving this no refrigerator. You know what I discovered? I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun. Very monastic.
Jerry: I love the day date... No wine, no shower...
George: Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it. Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing.
Elaine: (about Simon) Yes, he's one of those bounders!
George: (about the waitress) You think she thinks I have a beautiful face, or is she just saying that?
Jerry: Well, they do work on tips.
Kramer: (whose new girlfriend has a voracious appetite) If I go back in there without any food, there's gonna be trouble!
George: For all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I going to feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?
Jerry: The way I feel when I go places with you?
Jerry: Mom and Pop aren't really a Mom and Pop!
Kramer: It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored big-time!
George: Hey, I've got Jon Voight's LeBaron.
Kramer: Boss!
Street Tough: (talking to Jerry about his cowboy boots) Hey cowboy, where's your horse? Yeah, you better run!
George: What's so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn't shop there.
Jerry: (teasing George) Oh look, there's Gregory Peck's bicycle! And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!"
Jerry: You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?
George: No, no...
Jerry: I think yes, yes.
Kramer: You've got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?
George: Yeah, what is he, some sort of an instigator?
Kramer: That's right. He's a trouble-maker.
Kramer: You look like a cowboy.
Jerry: I don't wanna be a cowboy!
Elaine: So Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood, establish trust for 48 years, then run off with Jerry's sneakers?
Kramer: Apparently.
George: (to Ada) I'm giving you a raise!
Jerry: (after catching the dry cleaner's wife wearing his mother's fur coat) What, do you think the dry cleaner's your own personal closet?!
Kramer: When you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the swank.
George: I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra.
Elaine: I'm returning this dress to Barney's.
Kramer: Good idea.
George: I am telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible, I don't know why I didn't have one before.
Jerry: Because you didn't have a job?
Jerry: It's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.
George: And now someone's going to be taking messages for me.
Jerry: From your mother.
George: You're extremely attractive, you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name.
Bania: For our next meal, do you think we should come here, or should we go someplace else? You know it has its pros and cons. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand...
Jerry: (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it!
Jerry: Where are your clothes?
Kramer: I told you, I sold them to Bania.
Jerry: You mean what you were wearing?! How'd you expect to get out of here?
Kramer: Well, I didn't think ahead!
Jerry: I saw you stepping out last night wearing my houndstooth jacket.
Dry Cleaner: Jerry, that's a breach of the dry cleaners' code.
Jerry: You need a code to tell you not to wear people's clothes?
George: (trying to get a date with a communist) Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system.
Kramer: There are no delicatessens under communism.
Mickey: Whoa! Why not?
Kramer: Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You've got pastrami and corned beef in one class and salami and bologna in another. That's not right.
George: (about communist personal ad) 'Appearance not important!' This is unbelievable. Finally, this is an ideology I can embrace!
Kramer: (working as a department store Santa Claus) Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out.
George: I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois.
Jerry: I know. Finally!
Jerry: I didn't hit puberty until the 9th grade...that's what gave me my speed.
Lew: I knew it was you! You tried to trick Hop Sing! You are on our list; Elaine Benes! And now you are on our list; Ned Isakoff.
Ned: You got me blacklisted from Hop Sing's?!
Lew: She named name!
Kid: Santa's a commie!
Mickey: How did a kid like you learn such a bad word like that?
Jerry: Why, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.
Lois: So you were the fastest kid in school?
Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
Elaine: Well, I'm dating a communist!
Jerry: I choose not to run!
Elaine: Just because you're a Communist, does that mean you can't wear anything nice? You look like Trotsky.
Ned: Good!
George: So what have you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
George: So what do you do, a lot of that "did you ever notice," this kind of stuff?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.
George: It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Well, you really got bald there, didn't you?
Elaine: (to her boyfriend) Fine, you want to be a communist, be a communist. Can't you at least look like a successful communist?
George: (about personal ad) It says appearance not important!
Jerry: Yours or hers?
Elaine: Ned's very well read.
George: Or, maybe he's just very well...red.
(Buzzer goes off in Jerry's apartment)
Jerry: (answers it) Yeah?
George: (from downstairs) Hey di ho.
Jerry: C'mon up.
Babs: Cosmo!
George: Cosmo?
Jerry: I'm not an orgy guy.
George: I found out another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: What?
George: I uh... got the first name
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?!
George: That's right. You ready?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for 10 years! What is it?
George: Cosmo.
Jerry/Elaine: Cosmo?
Elaine: Newman plays tennis?
Jerry: He's fantastic.
George: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the middle ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the middle ages.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments.
George: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere there were two women living together.
George: Are you crazy?! This is like discovering Plutonium...by accident!
Jerry: (about his new girlfriend, a non-laugher) The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman.
Jerry: I'd have to get new friends . . . orgy friends!
George: (to Jerry) Do you ever get down on your knees and just thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?!
George: Every time we go out to eat, the minute we were done eating, she's runnin' to the bathroom.
Elaine: So you're concerned?
George: Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals.
Kramer: All my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry, I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm going to be. From now on, I'm Cosmo!
Elaine: He's a re-gifter.
Jerry: I think he re-gifted and then he de-gifted and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp!
George: (on the Super Bowl tickets) How about Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?
Jerry: I asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian football.
Jerry: Newman! He's going with Newman!
George: How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
Jerry: He's his mailman.
George: Who goes to the Superbowl with their mailman?
Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?
George: Well...he's merry.
Jerry: He is merry - I'll give him that.
Newman: Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
George: I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.
Scott: Are you gonna need the bathroom? 'Cause I'm gonna jump in the shower.
Bonnie: No, just throw my bras out of the way.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Alright, fine, you sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's going to suffer? The little people. You and George.
George: Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea.
Bonnie: What is it?
George: Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I believe it's menage a trois?
George: Well if he can regift, why can't you degift?
Kramer: Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.
Newman: Don't look at me.
Kramer: Oh, I'm looking right at you, Big Daddy.
Kramer: We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.
Jerry: So that's here?
Kramer: Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.
Jerry: I don't wanna be Switzerland.
George: What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk. It's a game of world domination, being played by two guys that can barely run their own lives.
Kramer: (close to victory in Risk) You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
Ukrainian: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
Kramer: (after catching Newman cheating at Risk) I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
Jerry: Hey, how would you like to go to the Super Bowl?
Tim: What, are you kidding?
Jerry: Here. Two tickets. Have a good time.
Tim: How can I thank you? I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime. You ever been to Mendy's?
Jerry: (panicky) No, no, no! No dinner!
Gary: (about the mysterious woman from Monk's) She won't talk to anyone. Oh no. She won't say a word to anybody. Well, she's talking to Blue Streak now, Jack!
Jerry: I don't think I can be that nice.
George: You be nice!
Jerry: What's this?
Kramer: It's an eye patch.
Jerry: You look like a pirate.
Kramer: I wanna be a pirate.
Cabbie: Smugness is not a good quality.
Cabbie: Good. Revenge is very good.
Kramer: I need a new look. I'm stagnating.
George: Was he on his death bed?
Jerry: No, he was on his regular bed.
Elaine: (to Jake) So, you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you for me, when in fact it was an unauthorized hi.
Gary: The thing is...I've been living a lie.
George: Just one? I'm living like twenty.
Elaine: I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.
Jerry: It's like a game of tag.
Jerry: 100 episodes, that's a lot. During the course of which George, Elaine, Kramer and I have had many experiences, both positive and negative... well mostly negative.
Kramer: (to George, about the bald woman) You blew it, boy...You really blew it!
Jerry: When someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?
Jerry: (to Elaine) And we discover yet another talent... posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
George: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again: totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It's a pleasure!
Jerry: It's good to have you back. You've had, like, a religious awakening. You're a bald again!
Jerry: Shut up, shut up! 'Melrose Place' is coming on. Oh, that Michael, I hate him. He's just so smug!
George: I got rejected by a bald woman.
Elaine: (about Jerry's lie that he doesn't watch Melrose Place) This is so stupid! Why don't you just confess?
Jerry: It's too stupid to confess. Look what I'm confessing to.
Elaine: Well, what are going to do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I could beat the machine.
Elaine: Uh! Who do you think you are? Costanza?
Jerry: Hey, you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?
Elaine: Being a woman, I only really have access to the equipment, what, 30-45 minutes a week, and that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment and have access to it 24 hours a day their entire lives?
Elaine: I have hit the jackpot. The perfect man -- nothing but sex and shopping.
Jerry: (referring to George's toupee) Don't you think she could tell?
Kramer: No, no, no, can't tell. It's a perfect match, beautiful job.
Jerry: Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.
Elaine: Have you ever been to the ballet?
Jerry: No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.
George: Remember, Jerry, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Jerry: Elaine, you know what you've done? You've given hope to every woman who said 'Too bad he's gay.'
Elaine: Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything is possible. Jerome, I've hit the jackpot. Nothing but sex and shopping!
Jerry: So, did you describe yourself to her over the phone?
George: I told her the truth.
Jerry: As you see it?
George: Yes, as I see it.
George: I love these people. You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Jerry: I'll tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer or whatever you want to be called, the kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing and I don't care what the consequences are!
Jerry: I'm going on record right now that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.
George: (to secretary) Will that be cash or check?
Jerry: You don't flamenco on the first date.
Jerry: If you could say touch her breast is part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little bit better.
Elaine: How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?
Jerry: Elaine, now you're just being ridiculous.
Kramer: You don't rob someone if you know their name!
Jerry: You're robbing me.
Frank: You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?!
George: No no no, the cushion was turned over.
Kramer: Say you're getting intimate with a woman, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there. I think we've all experienced that.
Jerry: (to Kramer) Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?
Jerry: What if the doorman tells them I was there?
Elaine: Oh, who cares? No one's going to believe a doorman!
Frank: Bro's no good. Too ethnic.
Kramer: You got something better?
Frank: How about the Mansiere?
Kramer: Mansiere.
Frank: That's right; a brassiere for a man.
George: It's like I'm having my own personal crying game.
Elaine: (about Jerry) He's a comedian, Mrs. Payton. They don't know how to do anything.
Jerry: (about Frank Costanza's breasts) So what? A lot of older men have that.
Kramer: Oh, not these. These were real hooters.
Jerry: I'm going up to see Elaine Benes.
Doorman: What are you, the boyfriend? Here for a quickie?
Estelle: (after seeing Frank trying on the Bro) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!
Frank: You're not having dinner with a bra salesman!
Estelle: He only sells them, he doesn't wear them.
Frank: You want me to wear a bra?
Kramer: No, no, a bra is for ladies. Meet the Bro!
Elaine: You know, just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.
George: It doesn't help.
Jerry: Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room, he's got a Penthouse right out on the table.
Elaine: Penthouse?
Jerry: Yeah! What is that? I mean, isn't that sick? I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment.
Kramer: So, what's wrong with that?
Jerry: He's a doctor! I mean, it's supposed to be, like, a sterile environment.
Kramer: So... did you take a look?
Jerry: Of course.... but that's got nothing to do with it.
Mr. Wilhelm: You're a terrible liar, George. Look at you, you're a wreck! You're sweating bullets.
George: It's the Kung Pao. George likes his chicken spicy.
Jerry: Don't you see what's happened? He couldn't talk, he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling.
Kramer: What?!
Elaine: He thinks you're mentally challenged!
Jerry: Well... you know.
Elaine: Well, what happens when you show up? He'll see that you're not.
Jerry: Not necessarily, because...
Jimmy: Hands off Jimmy! Don't touch Jimmy!!
Elaine: (to Jerry) So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. Big deal! You're single.
Jerry: You said, "George likes spicy chicken."
George: No I didn't.
Elaine: Yes, you did. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."
Jerry: You're turning into Jimmy.
George: George is getting upset!
Jimmy: Hey, look. Hank's got a new boyfriend. Jimmy's not threatened by Hank's sexuality. Jimmy's happy for Hank.
Elaine: Elaine once tried to convert one, but Elaine's not going through that again.
Kramer: (on the adult dentist's office) When he pulls that needle out, I let the expletives fly!
Kramer: Hey! What's this?
Jerry: Kung Pao.
(Kramer takes a taste)
Kramer: Kung! PAO!!
Jimmy: Jimmy's down! Jimmy's goin' into shock!
George: I suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that would be fine, too.
Paula: You can wear sweatpants.
George: (stunned) I could?
Newman: (to Jerry) So you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
Kramer: I used to have fleas.
Jerry: What did you do about them?
Kramer: What do you mean?
Kramer: (eating a Mackinaw peach) It's like having a circus in my mouth.
Leo: (sees Elaine) They said they were sending an Asian woman.
Jerry: (sniffs wrappers) I know the chunky that left these Chunkies... Newman!!
Paula: (to George) You could drape yourself in velvet for all I care.
Elaine: The point, George, is she likes you.
George: Oh, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking.
Jerry: See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
Jerry: Oh man, did you see that? I ate discarded food!
George: Well, I've done that.
Jerry: Yeah, but with you it's intentional.
George: You know Jerry; I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.
Jerry: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.
Jerry: (about George) When he's dead he'll be relieved.
George: I want you to find out if she likes me.
Elaine: Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school?
Jerry: Mom, Dad... I have fleas!
Jerry: Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter's obviously impossible, the former still applies.
George: So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their "vanity" plates.
George: What do they say?
Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Kramer: Yeah, Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer: the Assman!
George: (to his mother re-entering the dating scene) You're not 'out there.' I'm out there, and if I see you out there, there isn't enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
George: (about pleasuring his girlfriend) Give me a moan, something. I'd settle for a belch, for God's sake.
Kramer: It's Fusilli Jerry! It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
Jerry: When did you do this?
Kramer: In my spare time. You know, I'm working on one of you George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.
Jerry: Why fusilli?
Kramer: Because you're silly. Get it?
Frank: (to the proctologist) A million-to-one shot, Doc, million-to-one.
DMV lady: Cosmo Kramer. You are the Assman.
Jerry: I just can't see you with a mechanic.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Right, right. All those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their big muscular arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.
George: Mom! Don't cry!
Estelle: (crying) I can't help it.
George: Mom! Your eyes!
Estelle: Oooh!
Jerry: You know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
Kramer: (reading from a note left on his car with the ASSMAN plates) Call me. 36-24-46. I think I have what you're looking for.
Jerry: (about David Puddy) So he stole my move, and he's using it on Elaine.
George: You told David Puddy your move and you didn't tell me? I need a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry! I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together while you're walking around with a Zippo!
Frank: I worked out with a dumbbell today. I feel vigorous!
Jerry: We were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high testosterone area.
George: (to his Mother) I think we really need to be in front of the television set. You take TV out of this relationship, it is just torture.
Jerry: I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. (imitates mechanic) "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." (imitates customer) "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."
Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way... 'It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one.'
Driver: (to Kramer driving by with Estelle) The Assman's in town!
Nancy: Ow! George, what are you doing?
George: You know...pleasuring you.
Nancy: Well stop it!
George: You don't like the move?
Nancy: No, I don't. It feels like aliens poking at my body.
Jerry: What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder...
Jerry: (to Bridgette) I'll meet you at the Diplomat's Club. I'll be the one without the big red sash.
George: Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.
Jerry: What for?
George: They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.
Jerry: Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?
George: It better be.
Earl: (reading name on mail bag) David Berkowitz?
Newman: The Son of Sam!! The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced!
Katie: Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-
Jerry: Yes, I know. I've flown before.
Katie: Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Jerry: There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.
Kramer: You stubborn, stupid, silly man!
George: You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you,' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat.'
Jerry: Unless you're married...
George: Now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them!
Jerry: No, people hate that.
Jerry: Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey??
Kramer: Well, he started it!
Mr. Pless: (about the monkey) Mr. Kramer, he's an innocent primate.
Kramer: So am I!
George: I saw Sienna again.
Elaine: Sienna?
Jerry: Yeah, he's dating a crayon.
Puddy: (to the priest) We're the Devils!
Jerry: Who are these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
Elaine: Who?
Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
Elaine: I will never understand people.
Jerry: They're the worst.
Jerry: Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I didn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thing real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.
Bette: If I don't get a Black and White cookie I'm not going to be very pleasant to be around.
Kramer: Now that's impossible.
Kramer: You know, maybe in Korean 'dog' isn't an insult. Could be like the word 'fox' to us. Oh, she's a DOG!
Kramer: It's macaroni Midler!
Jerry: (to the understudy) So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hot-dog makes you lose control?
Kramer: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.
George: When you're talking about a movie like "Beaches," moving from the chair to the couch...that's quite a voyage.
Estelle: Georgie's getting married!!
Frank: Get the hell outta here. He's getting married?
Estelle: Yes.
Frank: To a woman?
George: I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.
Newman: What took ya so long?
(George is playing chess with his girlfriend, Alice.)
George: Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is. You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. Likes to stay at home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good.
Alice: Checkmate.
(Short silence)
George: I don't think we should see each other anymore.
(about George asking Susan to marry him)
Jerry: And she said yes?
George: Well, it took a couple hours of convincing, but I was persistent.
Elaine: There is this dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never, ever stops barking. I lost my voice just screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do?
Kramer: Well, there is something you can do.
Elaine: What? Kramer, I'll do anything.
Kramer: Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?
Jerry: You're gonna rub out the dog?
Jerry: What is this? What are we doing? What in God's name are we doing?
George: What!?
Jerry: Our lives. What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.
George: No, we're not. We're not men.
(talking to Estelle on the phone)
Susan: Hello?
Estelle: Congratulations!
Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
Estelle: Really? You do? May I ask why!?
George: You know, it was really very wrong of you to back out on that deal.
Jerry: I didn't make a deal, I just shook your hand.
George: Yeah, well that's a deal where I come from.
Jerry: We come from the same place.
Newman: (singing) How much is that doggy in the window?
Elaine: Will you two shut up?!
Kramer: Is that a new song?
Kramer: You started wondering, "Isn't there something more to life?"
Jerry: Yes!
Kramer: Well, let me fill you in on something: there isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: What were you thinking, Jerry? Marriage? Family?
Jerry: Well . . .
Kramer: They're prisons! Man made prisons! You're doing time! You wake up in the morning: she's there. You go to bed at night: she's there. It's like you have to ask permission to use the bathroom.
Jerry: I think it's fantastic, I think it's a fantastic idea. (In model-type voice)
George: You know, Spring! Rejuvenation, re-birth, everything's blooming, all that crap!
Kramer: Aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives Jerry?
Jerry: We gotta change the system!
Elaine: Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing The Requiem?
Jerry: Yeah, everyone knows that; it was in Amadeus.
Jackie Chiles: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?
Jerry: Women don't respect salad eaters.
Elaine: (on the street with the dogs) I'm a nice person, don't believe what you hear.
George: Pulp can move baby!
Jerry: Hey! I eat healthy, if I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks.
Holly: Do you always stuff meat in your pocket?
Jerry: Uh, sometimes I use the sofa.
Jerry: You spent the night at James's? Did we?
Elaine: Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.
Jerry: Reversed positions?
Elaine: Yeah, you know, head to toe.
Jerry: So what your genitals are still lined up.
Elaine: No, because I slept with my back to him.
(long pause - no comment from the guys)
Jerry: I still can't believe you're going out on a blind date.
Elaine: I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.
Jerry: You're going by sound? What are we, whales?
George: I'd rather date the blind. You know, you could let the house go, you let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't really know you're not good enough for her.
Elaine: I think she'd figure it out sooner or later.
Elaine: Head to toe.
Kramer: Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.
Bobby: I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again.
Kramer: Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card.
Jerry: Hey, salad's got nuttin' on this mutton.
Holly: That is so funny, did you just make that up?
Jerry: I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually a line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat.
Elaine: So, basically what you're saying is that ninety-five percent of the population is undateable?
Jerry: Undateable!
Elaine: Then how are all these people getting together?
Jerry: Alcohol.
Holly: So, is the beef the way you like it?
Jerry: I usually like mine with an angioplasty.
Elaine: Thanks for mutton.
Elaine: Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?
Jerry: A healthy person.
George: When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy.
Jean-Paul: Aw, look at the cute little bastard!
Jean-Paul: This son-of-a-bitch is ICE cold!
Jerry: What happened to your mental alarm?
Kramer: I guess I hit the snooze.
Clayton: ...speak up George, I can't hear you!
George: You tell that son-of-a-bitch that no Yankee is ever coming to Houston; not as long as you bastards are running things!
(Mr. Wilhelm walks by right as George curses)
Kramer: No I'm telling ya, it's great; I opened up all the windows; the air is cold, the tub is boiling-hot; it's like Sweden, man. Sweee-den!
Jerry: What do you want to wake up to? Top 40? Adult contemporary?
Jean-Paul: Yes, yes, adult contemporary. Whatever man! Just pick one!
Jerry: Ok...we're going with adult contempo!
Elaine: He's Trinidadian and Tobagan.
George Steinbrenner: We all get a little cuckoo sometimes, George. I used to be like you. Berating personnel until they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George... Hot Tub!
Jean-Paul: Why separate knob? Why separate knob!?
Jerry: Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio.
Jean-Paul: Oh please, man , please!
George: Why can't we share?
Jerry: I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you.
George: Do you hear yourself?
Jerry: I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.
Soup Nazi: No soup for you, come back one year!
Kramer: Excuse me.
Ray: Are you talking to me?
Kramer: Uh, well, uh, we-
Ray: I said, are you talking to me?
Bob: Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you talking to?!
Kramer: Well uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren't we?
(Kramer and Jerry turn around and run away)
Elaine: You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!
George: Medium turkey chili.
Jerry: Medium crab bisque.
(George notices he didn't get any bread with his soup.)
George: I didn't get any bread.
Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.
George: Um, excuse me; I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread - $2.00 extra.
George: $2.00? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George: Yes please.
Soup Nazi: $3.00!
George: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you! (snaps fingers)
(The cashier takes away George's soup and gives him back his money.)
Newman: Jambalaya!!
Elaine: (to Kramer) Street toughs took my armoire?
Jerry: The guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi.
Elaine: Why? What happens if you don't order right?
Jerry: He yells and you don't get your soup.
Jerry: (to Elaine) He gave you the nice face discount.
Elaine: You know, has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino. You know, Scent of a Woman? HOO-AHH! HOO-AHH!
Soup Nazi: Good, very good, you know something?
Elaine: What?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Elaine: What?
Soup Nazi: Come back, one year! Next!
Kramer: He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
Kramer: Where's the soup?
Elaine: The Soup Nazi kicked me out.
Kramer: Oh YEAH!!
Sheila: Well, behind every joke there's some truth.
Jerry: What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says, 'Ah, I'll just have some coffee.' There's no truth to that.
Customer: Uh, gazpacho, por favor.
Soup Nazi: Por favor?
Customer: Um, I'm part Spanish.
Soup Nazi: Adios muchacho!
Soup Nazi: (to George) You're pushing your luck little man.
Soup Nazi: You are the only one who understands me.
Kramer: You suffer for your soup.
George: Shhh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode.
Newman: (panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: What is it?
Newman: Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!
Jerry: Wha - wha - what's the matter?
Newman: Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not
gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No
more soup, Jerry! No more for of us!
Jerry: Well, where are you going?
Newman: He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!
Elaine: So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?
Jerry: It was a bisque.
Elaine: Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.
George: I am not giving my code to anyone, for any reason!
Jerry: What if my life depended on it?
George: If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code.
Petermen: I'll tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls.
Kramer: Well, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba.
George: I reached down... and there was nothing there!
Peterman: Mama, it's me, Jacobo, I'm here for you, mama.
George: Where are we gonna eat?
Jerry: We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.
George: Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.
Jerry: Of course not, if I did, would you have gone?
George: No way.
Jerry: There you go.
George: I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off.
Jerry: Trust me, you're off.
Kramer: ...you're a portly fellow... a bit long in the waistband? So what's your pleasure; is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no, no... your's is a sweet-tooth. Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master: the cocoa-bean!
Jerry: I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
Kramer: Oh, so he took you back?
Jerry: Yeah, we straightened it out. All is forgiven.
Kramer: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.
Jerry: No, I didn't.
George: Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?
Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
Peterman: You're obviously lying George, anyone can see that.
Kramer: Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've selected?!
George: I have relationship George, but I also have independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with: movie George, coffee shop George, liar George, bawdy George.
Jerry: I love that George.
George: Me too, and he's dying, Jerry! If relationship George walks through that door, he will kill independent George. A George divided against itself cannot stand!
George: (on Susan's friendship with Elaine) Worlds are colliding!
Kramer: There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man who's afraid of a woman.
Kramer: This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his worlds collide!
Kramer: I'm getting a new telephone number.
Jerry: How come?
Kramer: Chicks, man. Too many chicks know my number.
George: You're killing "Independent George"! You know that, don't you?
Elaine: George I don't even want to get...
George: You know what word Susan used last night? Huh? "Vault"!
Susan: Anyway, I thought we'd all go to a movie on Friday.
George: We'd all go to movie on Friday?
Susan: Yeah.
George: This is not good. Worlds are colliding! George is getting upset!
Elaine: Hi, three for Chunnel. Two adults... (looks at Jerry) one child.
Jerry: What else did you two do?
Elaine: Ah, you know, girl stuff.
Jerry: Flower shows, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?
Elaine: That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?
Jerry: Yes, I do.
Walker 1: Hey, where's your ribbon?
Kramer: Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.
Walker 2: You don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I?
Walker 3: Who do you thing you are?
Walker 1: Put the ribbon on!
Walker 2: Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear a ribbon!
(Bob and Cedric turn around and glare at Kramer)
Bob: Who? Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon?
George: That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open?
Jerry: It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.
(George is struggling to open a condom wrapper
Susan: Come on, George, just rip it open.
George: I'm trying, damn it.
Susan: Look, tear it, tear it from the side.
George: I tried to tear it from the side, I can't get a good grip, here, you gotta do it like a bag of chips.
Susan: No, here, give it to me.
George: Would you just wait a second?! Wait a second!
Susan: Will you just give it to me? Give it to me.
(She takes the wrapper from George)
George: You see? You see?
Susan: (tears open the wrapper and hands it back to George) Come on. Come on!
George: (tosses the condom aside) It's too late.
Elaine: Hey, I didn't even use one.
Jerry: I thought you said it was imminent.
Elaine: Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy.
Jerry: Sponge-worthy?
Elaine: Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges.
Elaine: What does Susan use?
George: I don't know.
Elaine: You don't know?
George: I uh... figure it's something.
(Kramer is surrounded by Bob, Cedric, and the other walkers)
Bob: So, what's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon?
Kramer: No, never.
Bob: But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So, why aren't you going to wear the ribbon?!
Kramer: This is America, I don't have to wear anything I don't want to wear!
Cedric: What are we gonna do with him?
Bob: I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon!
(Kramer tries to climb up the fire escape, but he is pulled back down by the mob.)
Roger: Yes, I believe I am sponge-worthy
Elaine: Good morning.
Billy: How'd you sleep?
Elaine: Great, and you?
Billy: Fine, fine. Everything okay?
Elaine: Yep.
Billy: No regrets?
Elaine: Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her) What are you doing?
Billy: What do you mean?
Elaine: Oh, I don't think so.
Billy: Why not? I thought you said everything was fine.
Elaine: I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of them.
Walk Registrar: But everyone wears the ribbon. You must wear the ribbon!
Kramer: You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully.
Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Elaine: Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? I know they're off the market, but...
Pharmacist: Actually, we have one case left.
Elaine: A case! A case of sponges? How many come in a case?
Pharmacist: Sixty.
Elaine: Sixty! Well, I'll take three.
Pharmacist: Three.
Elaine: Make it ten.
Pharmacist: Ten?
Elaine: Twenty sponges should be plenty.
Pharmacist: Did you say twenty?
Elaine: Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.
Pharmacist: Right. So, you're set with twenty-five?
Elaine: Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way.
George: That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open?
Jerry: It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.
George: You never run out, do you?
Elaine: Run down your case for me again.
Billy: Well, we've gone out several times; we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests - immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.
Elaine: You going to do something about your sideburns?
Billy: Yeah, I told you, I'm going to trim my sideburns.
Elaine: And the bathroom in your apartment?
Billy: Cleaned it this morning.
Elaine: The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?
Billy: Everything, yeah. It's spotless.
Elaine: Alright, let's go.
(George wants Deena's father to pay for the damages to his car)
Deena: And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too?
George: No, not Lloyd Braun, but the cashier.
Deena: What cashier?
George: You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot.
Deena: To park her horse?
George: No, she wasn't on the horse.
Kramer: Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing.
Lloyd Braun: We've really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend.
Kramer: Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around, chewing gum.
Kramer: (giving a tour of the theatre) She was built in 1922 during the golden age of movie palaces. Minor restorations in 1941, 47, 52, 58, 63, and currently to our present period of time.
George: The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was, "Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?"
Jerry: And in the end, Lloyd Braun became more like you.
(In his car, George is waiting for the engine to warm up. Another car is waiting for him to pull out of his spot, and impatiently sounds the horn)
George: All right, all right.
(The horn sounds again)
George: Hang on, it's warming up!
(The horn sounds several more times. Fed up, George angrily gets out of his car)
George: Oh, you mother...
(He walks over to the car)
George: Hey, what is your problem?!
(The driver rolls down the window and reveals herself to be the cashier)
George: Oh, hello! It's you! Listen, lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging until you admit you stole my twenty dollars. Heh-heh-heh. You're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you, Ruthie?
Cashier: Your car's on fire.
(Her windshield reflects the flames erupting from George's car, and he dashes off back toward it)
George: Ah! Fire!
Cashier: Merry Christmas.
George: Do you think she's happy?
Jerry: Who?
George: The cashier.
Jerry: Ruthie Cohen?
George: You know her name?
Jerry: Sure.
George: I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
Jerry: Maybe that's why she's happy.
George: That cashier is riding horses on my money.
Jerry: Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around, see if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty-dollar bills around with big lips.
Larry David: (as the street vendor) I'm sorry your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president.
Jerry: (to Elaine) Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue!
Kramer: (to Elaine) Yeah, well I'm sorry. The Alex is a family theater, not one of your "swing-joints"!
George: (Looking at his car after it caught on fire) The Jon Voight car is no more...
George: Don't you see? He was wearing glasses to fool Lloyd Braun!
Jerry: I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-meiny.
Kramer: Why go to a restaurant when you can just throw something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite when you can just pop a pill?
Jerry: Shut up you old bag!
Jerry: I've never baited a hook with a rye before!
Frank: Let me understand. You've got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
Frank: (about a Cornish game hen) How hard can it be to kill this thing?
Kramer: I just came from the Price Club. I'm loaded up, baby!
George: What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer! Have I learned nothing?
Kramer: (on Rusty's sudden flatulence.) One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.
Elaine: I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy. I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't want to make any big sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.
Elaine: (to Jerry) You know, one of these days something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!
Dennis: In fact, you know what, how would you like to take my hansom cab for the week?
Kramer: Drive the horse?
Dennis: It'll just be sitting there. You can really clean up. 500 bucks a day. I'll split it with ya.
Kramer: Oh, giddy up! Yeah.
Elaine: This woman has never, not once, ever, as long as I've known her, worn a bra.
Jerry: That's just shameless.
George: It is all because of that car. See, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of them, they think I'm working an eighteen-hour day!
Jerry: Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made.
(The parody of the OJ Simpson trial)
Jackie: (to Kramer and Stan) Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothing now, nothing! I've been practicing law for 25 years; you're listening to a caddy! This is a public humiliation! You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard. A bra gotta fit right up a person's skin, like a glove!
George: My presence in that office can only hurt my chances.
Kramer: You're just out for sex!
Jerry: You're just out for money!
Jerry and Kramer: AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Jerry: You doing anything?
Kramer: Nope.
Jerry: You want to go down to the Bronx and see if there are any fliers on George's car?
Kramer: Sure!
Jerry: I could have said just about anything there, couldn't I?
(left on Jerry's answering machine)
Frank Costanza: Jerry, it's Frank Costanza! Mr Steinbrenner's here, George is dead, call me back.
Jerry: Don't you wanna tell your parents you're alive?
George: Oh, they could use the break.
Jackie Chiles: It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!
Frank: (to Steinbrenner) What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for!? He hit 35 home runs, had over 100 RBIs and had a rocket for an arm. You don't know what the hell you're doing!!!
(After listening to Newman's verdict)
Elaine: What? This is your solution? To ruin the bike?
George: I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.
Jerry: Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl.
George: Alright... You having a good time now?
Jerry: I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?
George: Alright already!!
(in the maternity ward)
George: Seven!!!
Jerry: (to George) Just because your life is destroyed, don't destroy someone else's.
Doctor: I'm sorry, family only.
George: I'm family! I'm having sex with the cousin!
George: Seven's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl. Or a boy.
Kramer: A wise man once taught me the healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
Elaine: Ah hah.
Kramer: He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.
Jerry: I miss the days when they made toys that could kill a kid.
Jerry: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of
school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually
seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
Jerry: (about Elaine) The only way to really help her is to just let her be.
Elaine: I think I really sprained it.
Jerry: Ah, I doubt you sprained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You could've twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it, turned it...
Elaine: You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up?
Kramer: Are you unhappy with our arrangement?
Jerry: What arrangement?
Kramer: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.
Jerry: Yeah? Well, let me know when you get something in there and I will.
George: What names do you like?
Couple: Well we like Kimberly.
George: Eh. What else you got?
Couple: Joan.
George: Please. I'm eating here.
George: You know the odds of me being anyone's type? I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.
Morty: My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.
Jerry: That's what I was thinking.
Kramer: You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this one.
Jerry: (nodding) oh, isn't that what it's all about?
Jerry: You know, you could put a fence around these condos and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!
Jack: Your son could never afford that car. We all saw his act, last year, at the playhouse.
Evelyn: I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight.
Helen: The Lichtenberg's?
Evelyn: Yes, they're having a party.
Helen: We weren't invited.
Evelyn: Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car.
Jerry: (after Kramer asks him what he plans to do with all the money) Actually I was thinking of donating a large portion to charity.
Kramer: Really?
Jerry: No.
Jack: Hello, Morty. Well, you missed the early bird.
Morty: Yeah, so?
Jack: Must be nice to have that kind of money.
Susan: Are you having an affair with George?
Elaine: What?! (laughs uncontrolably) Don't be ridiculous! (keeps laughing) I mean, why would anyone wanna sleep...
Jerry: Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?
Helen: You're not buying us dinner.
Jerry: Well, I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at 4:30 just to save a couple bucks, I'll tell you that!
Helen: Alright, we'll wait. But it's unheard of.
Jerry: (on phone) Hey, listen to this -- Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did; she thought it was funny, so he accused HER of being an anti-Semite, they had a huge fight, and now he's moving back into his apartment! You know what this means? My parents are gonna go back to Florida! ... What? ... What number is this? ... Oh, I'm terribly sorry. (hangs up)
George: My parent's are moving to Florida!!! Do you know why?
Jerry: Why?
George: To spite your parents!
Jerry: To spite my parents? Your parents are crazy!
George: They're out of their minds!
Uncle Leo: Move back with Lydia???
Jerry: Come on, you're lucky to have anybody!
Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swingin'!
Jerry: Swinging?!? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting! You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body 24 hours a day! If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like Grim Death! Which is not far off, by the way.
Uncle Leo: But she's an anti-Semite!
Jerry: Can you blame her???!!?
Kramer: Elaine I need the good stuff!
Kramer: If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.
Jerry: (about his parents) You see this? Any thought pops into their head, they're calling me because it's a local call now. I'm used to a 1200-mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus, I've got the dinners, I've got the pop-in's. They pop-in! It's brutal.
Frank: This is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!
Kramer: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!
Jerry: No good?
Kramer: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Newman: Now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.
Peterman: Oh, Elaine...the toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price-- your soul.
Estelle Costanza: We're moving to Florida.
George: What?! You're moving to Florida? That's wonderful! I'm so happy!!! (pauses)For you!!!
Frank: We call this, "The place to be."
(Referring to the picture of the man in Tuscany named Costanza.)
The Maestro: ...he has something of a reputation of the town idiot.
Frank Costanza: I STILL say we're related.
Kramer: Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
Jerry: Like what?
Kramer: What is all this stuff? Why do need this stuff? And why...do they make them so small?
Jerry: Where's the punch line?
Kramer: It's all attitude.
Kramer: Hey, the baton! (lines up shot) I've got a hunch fat man, I can't lose.
(George is showing Jerry the doll that looks like his mother.)
George: You see? You see?!
Jerry: (with a disgusted face) Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.
George: Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years!
Jerry: Why don't you just get rid of it, then?
George: I tried, I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it, the guilt was overwhelming. Susan's so attached to this thing.
Jerry: (as George is leaving with the doll) Well, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home.
(George is imagining the doll yelling at him like his mother)
Doll: Georgie, don't eat with your hands. Why do you eat so fast? You can't even taste it!
George: Don't tell me how to eat!
Doll: Still wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already. Why don't you buy a new shirt?
George: Because I like this one!
Jerry: What the hell are you doing?!
Kramer: I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you?
Jerry: I love when you're in the middle of a dream and your alarm goes off, you incorporate the sound into the dream so you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to do it. I was with Marie Antoinette in a dream last night. She was on the guillotine, the blade came down her head fell in the basket, rolled over and she started singing Neil Diamond's "Solitary Man."
George: The wedding is delayed until June. It's like a stay of execution.
Jerry: Dead man walking.
George: This is my lucky day.
Jerry: Well, one out of 20,000. That's not bad.
Kramer: I've been reading this book on Leonardo da Vinci. See, that means "from Vinci." Did you know that?
Jerry: Must be some book.
Kramer: I got a lot in the hopper.
Jerry: Didn't know you had one.
Kramer: Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.
Jerry: Hey, look! It's David Steinberg!
George: The comic or the manager?
Jerry: The manager.
George: (disappointedly) Oh.
George: (about Jerry dating Susan's friend) How great is this gonna be? Dinners together, movies together. It'll almost be as good as if I wasn't getting married!
George: I'm telling you, I can coach in the NFL. It's not that hard.
Jerry: That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said.
George: Get out of here.
Jerry: Come on. No, the stupidest thing was when you said Steve Kroft from 60 Minutes is the guy from Seals & Croft.
Jerry: This da Vinci sleep is working?
Kramer: I'm percolating, Jerry. I tell you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea... a restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly.
Jerry: What do you call it?
Kramer: PB and J's.
Jerry: So how'd your date work out with Connie?
Krameer: I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the apartment. It's like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.
Jerry: Now you're being ridiculous.
George: How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? I feel like Lincoln.
Jerry: Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better.
Kramer: So are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies?
Connie: No, Cosmo. I like just being here with you.
Kramer: Well, it's It's a bold adventure, huh? This is risky business, huh? I'm all atwitter.
George: You'll de-sour, right?
Jerry: I'll try and de-sour.
George: That's not good enough. You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too.
Jerry: I'll try. I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.
Kramer: I woke up in the Hudson River in a sack!
Pat: Where's the jacket?
Jerry: Well, one of the Gypsies took it.
Pat: Oh, the Gypsies took it. Of course, New York has a lot of Gypsies. On every block, there's a Gypsy.
Jerry: I'd like to return this jacket.
Clerk: Certainly. May I ask why?
Jerry: For spite.
Jerry: I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
Elaine: Well, this is all very flattering...
Jerry: Like a shark fisherman with a bucket of chum.
Elaine: Okay.
Jerry: Like a shrimp farmer...
Elaine: Okay!
Jerry: I was thinking about the wig historically. The Revolutionary War was the last war fought in wigs and it seems like that must have been hard. They're going into battle, "Well, do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins?"
Jerry: I don't know when the whole wig thing came into style for a man but I know when it went out. When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in a mirror powdering a thatch of horsehair on his head, going, "All right, let's go rap to the ladies."
Salesman: The Joseph Abboud crested blazer is the finest. That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world-famous corisso buttons made from the finest antelope horn.
Jerry: Then they'll match my sneakers.
Jerry: Come with me to the store, and we'll pretend to look at the coat.
Elaine: That's ridiculous. Why go back there if you don't want the coat?
Jerry: Because he thinks I was lying. I wanna show him I wasn't.
Elaine: But you were.
Jerry: If you go back with me, then I'm not.
George: This friend of Susan's is staying with us for two weeks. Now, am I wrong, or is that excessive?
Kramer: Well, Bob Sacamano, he stayed with me once for a year and a half.
George: He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs.
Jerry: Boy, imagine liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.
Prostitute: Get lost, mister. I'm trying to make a living here.
George: I'll pay for your time. I just need some information. How much do you want? Ten? Fifteen? You have change for 20?
Prostitute: Fifteen?
Susan: George?
Susan: If I can't trust you, there's no way that this can work.
George: Really?
Susan: Yeah.
George: Well, then you really have something to think about because, you know, if there's any doubt in your mind, and it doesn't even have to be a big doubt, you know. Even a tiny doubt, a dot of a doubt
Susan: There's no doubt.
George: Because if there's any doubt at all, I feel that we should cultivate it.
Kramer: The two of you need to work on trust. And then, and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts. The cornerstones of a healthy relationship.
George: What are you talking about? I want my car.
Parking Attendant: We ask that you please bear with us.
George: Bear with you? This is a parking lot. People are supposed to be able to get their cars.
Parking Attendant: Ideally.
Jerry: Are you asking him out?
Jesse: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Jerry: Right in front of me? How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking champagne coolies.
Police: Okay, big daddy, take the hat off. All right, turn to your right. I said turn, pimp!
Kramer: I'm not a pimp.
Newman: Let me be perfectly blunt. I don't care for you, Costanza. You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day laughing it up, wasting your lives.
Elaine: These are terrible.
Jerry: It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.
Kramer: What happened to Newman?
George: He called in sick!
Kramer: Oh yeah right, it's raining.
George: (about George Steinbrenner) He fires people like it's a bodily function.
Steinbrenner: Costanza's in the building, and he's not in this office!
George: Beautiful women... Ya know, they get away with murder. You never see one of them lift anything over three pounds. They do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and nobody can stop them.
Jerry: She's like a beautiful Godzilla.
George: And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese!
George: You don't work in the rain? You're a mailman! "Neither rain nor sleet nor snow"... IT'S THE FIRST ONE!!!
Newman: I was never that big on creeds.
George: (about Steinbrenner's love of the calzone) I'm like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I'm having lunch at his desk every day this week... just him and me. He doesn't make a move without me.
Steinbrenner: George let me tell you something. When I find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday, turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl George! You'd eat the chili then you'd eat the bowl. Nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing just a table.
Jerry: You've got your shirt in my oven?
Kramer: Well, I didn't have enough quarters for the dryer, but this is better anyway. And it's more convenient.
Jerry: Oh, for both of us.
Kramer: Yeah, and I have a lot more control. I got a shirt going for ten minutes at 325.
Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?
Kramer: I'm baking a pie.
Kramer: I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer.
Jerry: "I'm here to catch a... glimpse."
Tony: When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry: But the washer fluid is fine.
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
Jerry: Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?
Kramer: Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.
Newman: That's where my missing soda is.
Jerry: And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor.
Newman: We carry a couple of bags of mail and the rest is ours!
Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!!
Newman: Let the collecting begin!!
Auctioneer: ...do I have sixty-five-hundred?
(Elaine raises paddle)
Auctioneer: Sixty-five-hundred to the... dark-haired person on the right.
(a little later)
Sue Ellen Mishke: Ten thousand.
Auctioneer: Ten thousand to the shapely woman on the left.
George: Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.
Deena : George, this is the best thing for you.
(she walks away)
George : Yea. What? No, no!
Farmer's daughter: (to Newman) Goodbye, Norman!
Kramer and Newman: Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...
J. Peterman: Elaine, you found the clubs. That's wonderful news! Where are they?
Elaine: Yep, let me get 'em for you Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: Aw, I'll be inaugurating them this weekend with none other than Ethel Kennedy, a woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is succeeded only by her proclivity to procreate.
Elaine: (shows him the damaged golf clubs as he handles them) The, uh...the letter of authenticity is in the side pocket there.
J. Peterman: Elaine, I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.
Elaine: Oh...oh, yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (hesitantly laughs)
J. Peterman: See you on Monday.
Elaine: Have a good game!
Jerry: The concept of being separated is strange. It's like you're engaged to be divorced. "We're gonna try and make not being together work. First we were separated, then we met, then we were together. Now we're gonna try being separated again. We think actually some sort of giant rubber band might be the solution.
Jerry: I've been waiting out their marriage for three years.
Elaine: Me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages but this is the one I really had my eye on.
George: A physician married to a salesman. I gotta tell you, Beth, you could have done a lot better than him.
Kramer: I've got the body of a taut, preteen Swedish boy.
Elaine: God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much. How about a left turn signal, you moron!
Jerry: (thinking) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver.
Elaine: You know what, on my first road test, I hit a dog. I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a yellow lab.
Elaine: I've got it. We're calling just to say: "I'm there for you."
Jerry: I'm there for you.
Elaine: Then, after a period of being there for you we slowly remove the two words "for you" and we're just there.
Jerry: Remember Beth and David from yesterday? They got separated.
George: Really? Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you?
Jerry: What did you say?
George: You know, that thing about her being too good for him. I mean, I was just being folksy. They could tell I was being folksy?
David: You know, as far as I'm concerned, this whole thing is George's fault.
Elaine: Well, David, the thing about George is that he's an idiot.
Kramer: I bought dungarees.
Elaine: Kramer, they're painted on.
Kramer: Well, they're slim fit.
Jerry: Slim fit?
Kramer: Yeah, they're streamlined.
Jerry: You're walking like Frankenstein.
Beth: It's funny, George sometimes you don't know how you're feeling about something until a person like you comes along and articulates it so perfectly.
George: Articulate? Me? I've never articulated anything. I'm completely incoherent.
Elaine: You get your ass over to Beth's tout de suite. Turn on some of that so-called charm you tell me about.
Jerry: Yeah, I can try and do that.
Elaine: You don't try, you do it. I got the loser in this relationship. I'm breathing new life into him. Give me three more days, he won't remember her name. You got the winner, the easy part.
George: The shoelaces that you bought me they worked out well.
Susan: Well, you know, if you need some more I can get them for you.
George: It should be a while, though.
Elaine: (to Jerry) Confide in her. Open up to her. You know, women like that.
(later)
Jerry: Anyway, Beth You know, I was thinking on my way over how when I was 9, I wanted these handball sneakers. They were all black. But they only came in adult sizes. So, you know, I never got the sneakers.
Beth: Oh, really?
Susan: George why don't you go ahead. I think I'd like to be alone for a while.
George: Oh, sure. Sure, you want to be alone? Sure, I understand that. You want a little time to think? Think. Ponder things. You know, ruminate. You go ahead. A lot of stuff on your mind. You think things out. Think. Mull, just mull. Do a lot of mulling.
(later)
Susan: I've been doing a lot of thinking about the wedding and all and I've decided to go with the chicken.
Elaine: Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles' table with all the losers!?
Jerry: You can go with Kramer.
Kramer: No, no, no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.
Jerry: Why don't you just break it off with her? Tell her it's over.
George: I can't.
Jerry: Why not?
George: Cause I can't face that scene. You know what kind of scene that would be? I'd rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than go through something like that.
Bank Manager: This man says he came in here the other day and you didn't say "hello"?
Bank Clerk: That's not true; I said "hey," you know, like a friendly greeting hey.
Kramer: But hey's not hello.
Bank Manager: This is a tough one. I'm gonna have to get some other people in on this.
Kramer: What is this, oak?
Bank Manager: I think it's pine.
Kramer: Pine is good.
Bank manager: Yeah, pine's aaalright.
George: (plotting a way out of his engagement) If only I could get her on a plane somewhere.
Jerry: And do what: hope for a crash?
George: It happens.
Jerry: Do you know what the odds of a plane crash are? It's a million to one.
George: It's something! It's hope!
Jerry: Now I know what I've been looking for all these years. Myself. I've been waiting for me to come along. And now I've swept myself off my feet!
Peterman: You there, on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons!
George: I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
Kramer: What's wrong?
Elaine: Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog.
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Myanmar.
Kramer: The discount pharmacy?
Peterman: No apples. No pears. No bananas. Where's my pineapple?!
Jerry: (about the catalogue) How's it look?
Elaine: It's a peach.
Jerry: What's that?
Elaine: I say, it's a peach.
Mr. Ross: It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children.
George: Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do.
Elaine: You've never felt remorse.
Jerry: I know. I feel bad about that.
Kramer: Karate. It's a lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony.
Jerry: But with punching and kicking.
Writer: So I pressed through the rushes, and there below me -- the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria.
Peterman: Oh, for the love of God, man, just tell me what the product is!
Writer: It's a... a... washcloth.
Peterman: No washcloths!!
Jerry: You're fighting children!
Kramer: We're all on the same skill level, Jerry.
Elaine: (to Jerry) Between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus. But, he believed in me. You did not. So, as I see it, he's not the doofus. You are the doofus.
George: He thinks I killed Susan!
. . .
Jerry: Just for the record . . .
George: No, I did not!
Wyck: Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?
Mr. Cross: Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her.
Newman: (whispering) Do I smell Pantene?
Kramer: Do I smell?
Newman: (whispering angrily) PANTENE!
Kramer: Uh, Pantene?
Newman: Pam. I don't know the woman but she sounds quite fetching.
Elaine: ... followed by a mysterious 'galank.'
George: I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family.
Kramer: You know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle!
Vargas: Hello Kevin...
Kevin: Hello... Vargas...
Kramer: But I don't even really work here.
Boss: That's what makes this so difficult.
Gillian: (smiles at him) Don't you just love lobster?
(Close-up of her Man hands tearing open a lobster.)
Elaine: These are good people, Jerry. They read!
Jerry: I read, I read!
Elaine: Books, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh.
(Jerry walks in and sees Kramer cooking breakfast.)
Jerry: Kramer?
Kramer: Oh, good morning. This is breakfast... but I need to go, and I am going to work.
Jerry: How much time was I asleep?
George: Elaine! Can--can I come?
Elaine: I'm sorry....we already have a 'George.'
Gillian: I'm just gonna go wash my hands.
Jerry: Good idea. (under his breath) There's a beach towel on the rack.
Elaine: Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all.
Jerry: Would she have hooks.
Elaine: Do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry.
Jerry: Kinda cool looking.
Jerry: She had man-hands.
Elaine: Man-hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology. I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
(describing Elaine's dancing)
George: It's like a full body dry heave set to music.
Elaine: (after her fight with Frank Costanza) He wrote the check and I cashed it.
Jerry: Out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured.
Kramer: Yeah, it's a disturbing image.
Jerry: Yeah, so you cry, and then when you see the dancing, you cry again.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns, too many misunderstandings.
Kramer: Jerry, George got arrested.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah. He went at the Beackman, he tried to land, but they cheesed him.
Jerry: Oh now I see.
George: I'm the bad boy...I've never been the bad boy.
Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George: Yes, yes...
Jerry: ...the bad fiance , the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George: Okay, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... The bad tipper!
Kramer: Jerry, look, you got to shoot this movie for me. Brody is a reasonable man, but he's insane!
Jerry and George: (after seeing Elaine's dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!
Anna: It's alright, George, you'll just pay a fine and that will be it.
George: (crying) But why did the police man have to yell at me like that?
Elaine: You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.
Jerry: Well, then you're driving me wild.
Kramer: Death Blow. Where someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether.
Brody: (holding bat) May I borrow this?
Kramer: Yes. You need a glove?
Brody: Naah.
(about George's dad)
George: During that period when my folks were separated, he went a little crazy.
Jerry: Not a very long trip.
Kramer: (about bootlegging movies) It's a legitimate business.
Jerry: It's not legitimate!
Kramer: It's a business.
George: Ow! Dad...
Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You saying you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank: You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight)
Elaine: I was looking at my chart and it said that I was difficult. Why would they write that?
Jerry: They've gotten to know you.
George: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know you're difficult.
Elaine: Oh come on, I'm not difficult. I'm easy.
Kramer: So, uh, one chart coming up. It's Bennett, right?
Elaine: It's Benes, you jackass! My last name is Benes!
(Kramer pauses, dumbfounded)
Elaine: Yeah!
George: (after seeing male photo clerk's erotic photo) Oh, my God!!
Newman: We have some questions we'd like you to answer.
Jerry: I have some questions of my own.
Kramer: Yes, I'm Dr. van Nostrand from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes's chart; she's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's, uh, very bad, very messy.
Nurse: I see. And what clinic is that again?
Kramer: Uh, that's correct.
Nurse: Excuse me?
Kramer: From the Hoffermanndale Clinic, in Belgium.
Nurse: Really?
Kramer: The Netherlands?
Mailman: Package for you. Sign here.
Jerry: Who's it from?
Mailman: No return address.
Jerry: What if I don't want it?
Mailman: Are you refusing delivery?
Jerry: Maybe I am.
Mailman: Why would you do that?
Jerry: I've never done it before.
Mailman: Why start now?
Jerry: Why not?
Newman: Alright, let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? Huh? I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during shipping!
Jerry: Define 'rarely'.
Newman: Frequently.
Kramer: It's the timeless art of seduction.
Jerry: I wish I had the last 20 seconds of my life back.
Jerry: You don't know what a write off is, do you?
Kramer: No, but they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: (to another of Kramer's schemes) Oh yeah, I like this idea.
Jerry: The explosion burned off his mustache and eyebrows, he's all smooth now, like a seal. (about Uncle Leo)
Kramer: It's a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off of what?
Kramer: They just write it off!
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is, do you?
Kramer: No. Do you?
Jerry: No I don't!!
George: Who's going to bomb you? An airline? For all the stupid little peanut jokes?
Jerry: Oh, I suppose you think you're bombable.
George: There's a couple of people who wouldn't mind having me out of the way.
Jerry: There's more than a couple.
Jerry: I'm not gonna treat my uncle like a bomb-defusing robot.
(Bania reading Jerry's joke)
Bania: Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round; the jar is round... they should call it Roundtine. (pauses) That's gold Jerry, gold!
Kramer: You know, Frank, you could take a break.
Frank: No breaks! I feel reborn. I'm like a phoenix, rising from Arizona.
Eddie: Well. I'm not married to it.
Jerry: So, I finally met the mentor.
George: What's she like? Impressive?
Jerry: Oh yeah, she's dating Bania.
George: Bania?
Jerry: Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.
Eddie: It's hard to keep your shoes dry when you're kickin' in a skull.
Kramer: (Handing Jerry and Elaine a flyer) Check it out.
Jerry: "Jewish Single Night"
Kramer: I expect you both to be there.
Elaine: I'm not Jewish.
Kramer: Well, neither am I.
Jerry: Then why are you going?
Kramer: I'm not going; I'm running it.
Abby: I don't think I wanna date a mentor whose prot
George: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
Jerry: Those belong to people.
Kramer: That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
Japanese tourist: Oh, Super Terrific!
Kramer: Yeah, that's him.
Japanese tourist: What is he doing?
Kramer: Well, I don't know, but something Super Terrific, I'm sure.
Elaine: What's with the claw?
Jerry: Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
George: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
Jerry: Who are any of her losers?
George: You're on that list.
Jerry: So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
George: They could've at least tried.
Jerry: You know, maybe they thought you look too smart to be brainwashed.
George: Please.
Jerry: Too dumb?
Jerry: You have them sleeping in drawers?
Kramer: Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
Jerry: This has international incident written all over it.
Kramer: (talking to Jerry) Here you're just another apple. But in Japan, you're an erotic fruit. Like an orange, which is rare there.
(Jerry picks up the phone)
Jerry: Yeah?
George: (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
Jerry: (kidding) Uncle Leo?
George: JERRY!
(George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk and Jerry lifts the phone away from his ear at the noise)
Jerry: All right, all right. I'll wake 'em up.
Jerry: (to Kramer) That's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running.
Kramer: Everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.
Jerry: I only knew you through Moochie!
Elaine: This is the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover of our last catalog.
Mr. Peterman: The horror! The horror!
George: She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.
Jerry: Ah. Too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing going on.
Kramer: (a comment to Newman after Newman buys a huge amount of Kenny's chicken which Kramer has become addicted to) If Jerry finds out about this, I'm back in there with red menace.
Jerry: (trying to sleep but sees a shadow of a doll run across the wall) Mr Marbles?
Jerry: (about Kramer) The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers. He's hooked on this chicken, isn't he?
Jerry: Newman you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce.
Kramer: Stay away from the chicken! Bad chicken! Mess you up!
Seth: That's not gonna be good for business.
Jerry: That's not gonna be good for anybody.
George: I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's "By Mennen!"
Kramer: You know there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.
George: I've looked at that. It seems unlikely.
Kramer: Well I'd look again.
Jerry: (about Kramer's apartment) You don't know what it's like in there! All night long things are creaking and cracking, and that red light is burning my brain!
Elaine: You look a little stressed.
Jerry: Oh, I'm stressed!
(Kramer's bouncing on the bed basking in the red light as he eats his Kenny Rogers chicken. Suddenly, the red light goes out.)
Kramer: (concerned) Kenny?......... (now crying) Kenny!
Kramer: I can't sleep, every time I close my eyes i see that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken!
Newman: (after eating the broccoli in order to cover for Kramer's food tastes) Vile weed!
Jerry: (after Kramer wildly confesses his addiction to Kenny's chicken) You've got a little problem.
Kramer: Oh, I've got a big problem, Jerry!
George: (picking up the phone) Now... watch the magic.
(he attempts to dial and gets a disconnect tone)
Elaine: Dial 9, Merlin.
Kramer: How come you didn't take this problem to Jerry?
George: I can't talk to Jerry anymore. Ever since he moved into your apartment he's been too much . . . like you.
Kramer: That's a shame.
Elaine: (buying the hat for George) ... and some hair for my little friend here.
Jerry: (to Kramer referring to the huge red neon sign outside Kramer's window) How's life on the red planet?
Jerry: (referring to the rat fur being all over the restaurant) That's not gonna be good for business.
Seth: That's not gonna be good for anybody.
Kramer: Why don't we just switch apartments?
Jerry: Or I could sleep in the park.
Jerry: (commenting on George's big Russian hat) Why didn't you get the big one?
Jerry: (talking to Kramer and Newman about switching from Jerry's apartment to Kramer's) Well don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job, you two are going back to that chicken supernova.
George: (who will have to abstain from sex) I can do six weeks standing on my head. I'm a sexual camel.
Kramer: (about the tobacco company's lawyer) We had a little pow wow.
Jackie: Pow wow? Who told you to have a pow wow? Did I tell you to have a pow wow? I didn't tell you to have a pow wow!
Jerry: (to George) So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
Jackie Chiles: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.
Jackie Chiles: Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement!
Elaine: What is with all these books?
George: I stopped having sex.
Tobacco Executive: I think Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man's a goblin. And he's only been exposed to smoke for four days; by the time this case gets to trial he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
Jerry: (at his old junior high) I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day?
Ben: (to Elaine) I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.
George: (Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams) Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. It's not complicated.
George: Who are you gonna eat to survive?
Jerry: Kramer.
George: So fast? What about me?
Jerry: No.
George: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
Jerry: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.
George: Well, I would eat you.
Jerry: That's very nice, I guess.
George: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.
Jerry: Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
George: Thank you.
Jerry: (to Elaine) To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.
Kramer: My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in seventy-two hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, you know, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face. It's my allure, my twinkle.
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.
Newman: Hawaii... The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to lick the stamps.
Jerry: Did you find out who stabbed him?
Elaine: Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
Jerry: Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.
Elaine: Well, I don't know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy. You know, it's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
Jerry: What happened?
Newman: Kramer bit me!
Jerry: (about Elaine's blind date) They like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
George: That's my apartment. I earned it with 34 years of misery.
Alan: Tough luck, chinless!
George: The Stockholm may not have sunk ya, but I will!
Elaine: A bird ran into my giant freak-head.
Jerry: What giant freak-head?
Elaine: The one that sits atop my disproportionately puny body. I'm a walking candy apple!
George: Ahoy, Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Mr. Eldridge: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?
Mr. Eldridge: We had to abandon ship.
George: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Mr. Eldridge: The boat sank.
George: According to this, it took ten hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath, no offense.
Jerry: Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy, and he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine! Where I sleep; where I come to play with my toys.
Elaine: All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off. Or jam a fork into his forehead.
Jerry: Either way.
Elaine: I found out he's a bad breaker-upper.
Jerry: Bad how?
Elaine: Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.
Jerry: I follow. So, what are you going to do?
Elaine: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Kramer: 51 people died.
George: 51 people? That's it?! I thought it was like a thousand!
Kramer: 1060 survivors.
George: Thats no tragedy! How many do you lose on a regular cruise? 30? 40?!
George: In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man. (George gets up to leave and adds, almost as an afterthought) Oh, Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out.
Alan: (to Elaine) You've got a big head. It's too big for your body.
George: (about Mr. Eldridge) Even if he did suffer, that was, like, forty years ago! What has he been doing lately? I've been suffering for the past thirty years up to and including yesterday!
Jerry: (about George's new apartment) So, it's a two-bedroom one-bath make-your-friends-hate-ya?
Jerry: I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, "Photographs - Do not bend."
Newman: "Do not bend?" (laughs) Just 'crease, crumple, cram'; you'll do fine.
Kramer: No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line. Plus, they botched my vasectomy.
Jerry: They botched it?
Kramer: I'm even more potent now!
Newman: You can't deliver mail!
Jerry: Well, why not?
Newman: I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes.
(At the cockfight)
Jerry: Celia didn't want to come?
George: Nah, she's not really into sports.
Jerry: He just shaves his head for no reason?
George: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!
George: So Celia is up for parole today.
Kramer: Ya, 'Little Jerry' won his first cockfight.
George: What?
Kramer: Who?
(both stare at Jerry)
Jerry: I'm too tired.
George: I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... fugitive sex!!
George: The best part is if things go well...
Jerry: Conjugal visits?
George: Don't jinx it!
Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I got a cockfight to focus on.
(in slow motion)
Jerry: Kramer!
Elaine: Stop the fight!
George: Tamale!
Jerry: (about getting married) Your life's gonna totally change.
Elaine: Jerry, it's one in the morning; I'm at a cockfight; what am I clinging to?
Jerry: Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under 30 seconds.
George: Is that good?
Jerry: (shrugs) I don't know.
George:(To Jerry) Allow me. (To Kramer) Why?
Kramer: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: (To George) Allow ME. (To Kramer) What are you, an idiot?
Kramer: The check comes down as long as little jerry wins his cock fight.
Jerry: Great... what?!
Kramer: Yea Marcelino has cock fights in the back of his store.
Jerry: Kramer, cock fighting is illegal.
Kramer: (with food in his mouth) Yea, but only in the United States!
Jerry: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.
Kramer: Only in the United States.
Jerry: It's inhumane.
Kramer: Jerry, it's not what you think.
Jerry: It's two roosters pecking at each other!
Kramer: What? I thought they had gloves and helmets. You know, like American Gladiators.
Kramer: Just because Big Jerry Seinfeld's a has-been doesn't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!
George: You're in jail? That's so cool!
Kramer: But You should've seen 'Little Jerry' Jerry. Flapping his wings and strutting his stuff. His pecking, and weaving, and bobbin, and talking trash! He didn't even have to touch him. The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted 2 seconds.
Jerry: How long do they usually last?
Kramer: 5 seconds.
Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld was born to cock fight!!
Jerry: That is a rooster.
Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
Elaine: (to a bald Kurt) Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? ... With you under it.
Helen: Jerry, your father and I have something to tell you...
Jerry: (excited) Am I finally getting a baby brother!?
Frank: I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the other day.
Estelle: Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?
Frank: They don't nap. They make it their home. They URINATE IN THERE!
Peterman: These stories are what sell my clothes.
Morty: Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise.
Jack Klompus: What took you so long?
Jerry: I live in New York.
Jack Klompus: You need a pen?... Still works!
Jerry:(to Klompus) You are such an idiot.
Klompus: Do whatever you want! It's your car!
Jerry: My car? You drove it into the swamp!
Klompus: It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too.
Jerry: You know, that almost makes this worthwhile.
Peterman:(referring to Morty Seinfeld) Elaine, did you hire this man?
Elaine: No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.
J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine, this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham!
Jerry: You're not alone -- I'm practically broke.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: No.
Peterman: Kudos, Elaine, on a job... done.
Jerry: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you!
Elaine: (on turning off a life support system) Yank it like you're starting a mower.
Kramer: (to Elaine) You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats.
George: So, guess where Mr. "Ocean phoned" turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.
Elaine: Ohio?
George: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.
Jerry: You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?
George: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as "jerk store" and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.
Elaine: See, there are no jerk stores. It, it's just a little confusing, is all.
George: It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!
(George realizes that everyone in the coffee shop is staring at him)
George: (waving apologetically) Not you.
Kramer: (on being in a coma) I don't want to be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out.
Reilly: So, George, you're proposing a snow tire day at Yankees Stadium?
George: (through a mouthful) As long as they don't throw 'em on the field.(laughs)Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody.
McAdam: I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
George: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.
(George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth)
Reilly: You know, George...
(George looks up, expectantly)
Reilly: The ocean called, they're running outta shrimp.
(Everyone except George starts laughing)
George: Oh yeah, Reilly? (wipes his mouth and stands up) Well, the jerk store called, they're runnin' outta you.
Reilly: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
(Everyone except George starts laughing again)
George: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
(long silence)
McAdams: (standing up and leaning over to speak in George's ear) His wife's in a coma.
George: I'm going with jerk store. Jerk store is the line. Jerk store!
Yankee exec: (to George) We only wake you up for the important meetings.
Milos: You're not planning to hit these balls with that racket are you?
Kramer: Go around ya bunch a crazies!
Kramer: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.
Jerry: I didn't know it was possible not to know that.
Gene: We have a wide variety of 'Gene picks.'
Elaine: Gene's trash!
Gene: I'm Gene.
Elaine: ...Hi.
Fred: All right, let's get to it.
George: Wha...wait a minute, wha-what about Reilly?
Fred: Reilly doesn't work here anymore.
George: (surprised) What? I-I didn't hear about that.
Fred: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings.
(Everyone at the table collapses into laughter)
Jerry: You actually said that to him?
George: Well, no... I thought it up on the way over here.
Jerry: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?
George: I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father... my father's father before him.
J. Peterman: (to Elaine) And by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades... feel free to toss yourself into the mix.
Jerry: There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?
Kramer: Oh yeah, and they're as mean as he was.
George: I think we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests.
Wick: These aren't standardized tests, these are his grades.
Jerry: (about the scholarship candidate) Is he smart?
George: He knows how to read. And he knows that finishing a whole book doesn't mean anything.
George: Maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday the Monday after the weekend.
Jerry: She's not Lincoln!
Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!
George: Every group has someone that they all make fun of... like us with Elaine.
Steven: That's not the sign.
George: It was when I was banging!
Peterman: Between you, me, and the lamppost... and the desk, Peggy says this Suse isn't much of a worker.
Elaine: It's Susie.
Peterman: Nevertheless Elaine, the House of Peterman is in disorder.
Elaine: Look, we don't have to name names or point fingers or...name names! Me and her have had our problems. She and I have had our problems. You and I and she and you.
Peterman: Don't you drag me into this. This is between you and her and her.
Elaine: Yes! And I'm convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me too.
Peterman: Who?
Elaine: (weakly) Her.
Peterman: Where is she?!
Elaine: Ah, this is part of the problem.
Peggy: I thought I was part of this problem?
Elaine: You're a Huge part of the problem. But, I think that at its core, this is a Susie and Elaine problem that requires a Susie and Elaine solution. And who better to do that than...(pauses) Elaine and Susie, Susie and Elaine!
Peterman: Well, now that we have that cleared up, why don't the three of us have lunch?
Elaine: (pretends she heard someone in the hall) What! Oh, I'm...coming! I-I gotta go.(runs out)
Peterman: (to Peggy) She is the best. What was your name again?
George: Maybe I'll call you sometime.
Kramer: George, it's over.
George: What do you think, Jerry?
Jerry: I don't know. I didn't see you guys together.
Peterman: Elaine, I'm going to start a charitable foundation in Susie's honor and, as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman (whispers) I'm Susie. She's me.
Peterman: (also whispering) I feel the same way.
Elaine: (looks bewildered)
Peterman: That's why this foundation will meet around your schedule. Nights, weekends, every free moment you have. (pats her on the shoulder and leaves)
Elaine: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUZE!!!!
George: Wait till you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Eh? I'm finally gonna make a great entrance!
Elaine: Backless? You're gonna back her in?
George: Elaine, when a woman makes a ball entrance, she twirls.
Elaine: She's not gonna twi...
George: She'll twirl!
George: This woman is gentically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe.
Jerry: Live?
Elaine: Lithe!
George: Live?
Elaine: Lithe!
Jerry: Oh, lithe!
Jerry: I thought you went to the game?
Kramer: Naw, I was kicked out for fighting with one of the players.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Reggie Miller.
Elaine: Cheryl Miller's brother?
(After Kramer leaves the room and is done explaining the scenario)
Jerry: Can you believe that?
Elaine: I didn't know Cheryl Miller's little brother played basketball.
Elaine: You won't believe this, but as I'm leaving she calls me Susie.
Jerry: I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe.
Elaine: What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?
Kramer: By the way, you owe Mike a hundred dollars.
Jerry: What for?
Kramer: Well, I put down a bet for ya on tonight's game. If the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than 35, it pays 10:1. That's some sweet action!
Jerry: But I don't want any sweet action!
Mike Moffit: Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie.
Jerry: No openings in arson?
(Kramer bursts in)
Kramer: The Knicks killed 'em 110 to 73!
Jerry: What, of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout.
Kramer: No, Jerry, that's 37 points! The Knicks covered! You won! Now that's a cool gee, daddy-o. Now ya gotta let it ride.
Jerry: On what!?
Kramer: Come on Jerry, I don't want to lose this feeling!
George: My whole life, I've never made a great entrance!
Jerry: You've made some fine exits.
Mike Moffit: (bursting into Susie's 'wake') Susie didn't commit suicide! She was murdered... by Jerry Seinfeld!
(Trying to dig up his Phil Rizzuto keychain with a jackhammer, George accidentally hits a water pipe, causing it to be violently launched into the air by a geyser of water)
Keychain: Holy Cow!
Elaine:(to the delivery boy) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!
Newman: (crying hysterically as the paint thinner ignites) Oh the humanity!
Elaine: I'm plum out.
(in reference to Kramer asking for a gallon of paint thinner)
George: I just have to do all the jack-hammering myself.
Jerry: Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labor fantasy camp.
Elaine: Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?
Jerry: For what?
Elaine: I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.
Jerry: Dirt? That's alright, because there's nothing wrong with dirt.
Elaine: Well, actually it's pretty grimy.
Jerry: Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.
Elaine: Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.
Jerry: (After George squeezes the Phil Rizzuto keychain head to get it to say 'Holy Cow!') Do they have to squeeze the real Phil Rizzuto to get him to say that?
George: Just in the last few innings of a double header.
Jerry: You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet just to get this flounder?
Elaine: It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser.
Kramer: This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.
Jerry: At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage.
Kramer: Quality time.
Jerry: (to George) You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!
Newman: Cause you're once, twice, three times a lady.
Jerry: (in the car) She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
Elaine: (to Jerry) So now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
Jerry: Jenna's like me. She's very...
George: Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?
Jerry: I'll take fastidious.
Jerry: I'm never going to let a 'hygienic mishap' ruin what could be a long and meaningful relationship.
Jerry: (referring to George's keychain stuck in the pothole) Poor son of a bitch.
George: So the plan is to secretly sterilize her mouth?
Jerry: By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it.
Elaine: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
Jerry: Disorder?
Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
Kramer: You could've introduced me.
Jerry: I wouldn't know where to start.
Kramer: As of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.
Guillermo: Ladies and gentleman, because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan Crepe restaurants, we are hijacking this plane to Cuba. Kindly stay in your seats, and shut that movie off.
Elaine: Aw, nuts!
George: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! Ha ha ha!
Elaine: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
J. Peterman: Elaine, you don't like the movie?
Elaine: I HATE IT!!! (everyone shushes Elaine) OH, GO TO HELL!!!
Izzy Sr. My boys!
Izzy: My dad!
Izzy Jr. My grandpa!
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Izzy Sr. What happened to him (points to Jr.)
Jerry: He was trying to lift the TV.
Izzy Sr. That TV? (approaches it)
Jerry: Oh, no. (to the other two) It's go time.
(we hear cracking bones)
Izzy: Hi, son.
Izzy Jr.: Hi daddy.
Jerry: This is your son?
Izzy: I got married in high school.
Jerry: Why are the crepes spraying?
Kramer: I think the Dominicans are rolling them too tight. That's why you got to get real Cubans.
Elaine: You know, sex in a tub, that doesn't work!
Morty: Son, this shirt is the best thing you've ever given me.
Jerry: You know I bought you a Cadillac, twice.
The Three Mandlebaums: Mandlebaum! Mandlebaum! Mandlebaum!
George: How old is the son?
Jerry: I think he's the same age as the father.
Izzy: Call an ambulance!
Jerry: We're already in a hospital!
Kramer: (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente!
J. Peterman: That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.
Jerry: You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
Kramer: Yes, I am.
Jerry: What color is it?
Kramer: (looks down) Damn!
Blaine: Enjoy Sack Lunch.
Elaine: Oh, come on, Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.
Blaine: It's a family in a brown paper bag.
Jerry: I swear to you, I didn't know the TV was bolted to the table.
Morty: Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise.
Now, goodnight. (heads to the bedroom with Helen following him)
Helen: You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too tight.
Morty: This shirt will never leave my body.
George: Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a cane.
Jerry: Who's she dating, Mr. Peanut?
George: I've got to out-do this Neil guy.
Jerry: What if it's Neil Armstrong?
George: Then I'm going to Mars!
Izzy Sr.: Hey, I can't see the TV.
Jerry: (approaches the TV and moves) Here! (leaves w/ the Mandelbaums shocked)
Izzy: You think you're better than us, don't you?!
Jerry: George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
Neil: George, (comes closer) I win.
Dugan: (enthusiastically about "The English Patient") Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me.
Izzy: How 'bout that, huh? "The World's Greatest Dad." My son made it for me.
Kramer: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
Jerry: Is not.
Kramer: Is too.
Jerry: Is not.
Kramer: Is too.
Jerry: I'm not having this conversation.
Kramer: Are too.
Jerry: Am not.
Kramer: Are too.
Jerry: Am not.
Kramer: Are too.
Morty: #1 signing off!
Elaine: So do you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?
(While talking about the Mandelbaums.)
George: What is with this family?
Jerry: I don't know. It's like if one of them dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket.
Izzy: Think you're better than me, huh?
Morty: Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the '50s.
Jerry: 1850s?
Mandlemaum: Now who is the number one dad?
Jerry: Well I don't know how official any of these rankings are.
Danielle: How could you not like that movie?
Elaine: How 'bout... it sucked?
Helen: How could you do that to Mr. Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Jerry: He egged me on.
Helen: You should be more mature.
Jerry: He's eighty!
Elaine: Hey, what're you guys doing here?
Lisa: We just saw The English Patient again.
Gail: It's even better the second time.
Elaine: They make it longer?
Mandlebaum: It's go time!
Jerry: (to George) So she wanted you to come up but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you!?!
George: So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr. Peanut.
Earl: I thought he quit smoking cigars.
Kramer: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... Dennis.
Earl: Dennis Castro?
Kramer: Uh, Dwayne.
Earl: Get the hell outta my office.
Kramer: What!?
Danielle: George, I can't move in with you.
George: What?
Danielle: I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.
George: No. You can't leave me. Marry me! I'll burn myself! I'LL BURN MY PARENTS!!
Izzy Jr.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?
Izzy: This is Seinfeld's kid.
Izzy Jr.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
Jerry: (chuckling) You got any kids?
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, why didn't you tell me you saw "The English Patient" and hated it?.........You're fired.
George: Jerry! Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner's in the room. You gotta help me!
Jerry: Who is this?
Kramer: Well, I had been swimming for 3 hours and I was in a real groove so I decided to keep going, but at 10 they start the aquasize. 35 geriatrics throwing elbows. It's like a flabby arm spanking machine.
Jerry: How could you swim in that water!?
Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Jerry: Swimming?
Kramer: Well, floating. They weren't moving much...but they were out there!
Jerry: What is that smell?
Kramer: That's East River.
Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Kramer: Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the person.
Elaine: Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone.
George: I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.
Elaine: So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.
Jerry: Does it smell like the East River?
Elaine: How did you know?
Jerry: Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the
Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.
Elaine: (a la Kramer) Oh, GREAT!
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: No, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
Steinbrenner: Nothing but male curiosity and empty calories... hey Georgie?
Elaine: It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza.
George: Jerry, look at my eyes.
Jerry: Hmmm... they're a little less beady today.
George: Because I'm refreshed! I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk! I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible!
Jerry: Sounds like a real cool fort.
Hank: I buy all my furniture at an ergonomics store.
Elaine: Oh those places always the stupidest names!...like uh... "Back in Business" or..."Good Vitabrations"
Hank: Not this one...it's called the Lumbar Yard.
Jerry: Hi, Mr. Abbott.
Mr. Abbott: That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.
Beth: What was that all about?
Jerry: Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion.
Beth: Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?
Jerry: What?
Beth: A dentist.
Jerry: That's a good one. Dentists.
Beth: Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews.
Marcy: Are you close with your parents?
George: Well, they gave birth to me and... yada yada yada...
Marcy: Yada what?
George: Yada... yada... yada...
(George walks in on Jerry at Whatley's)
George: Oh, you're in here.
Jerry: What are you doing here?
George: I knew you had an appointment!
Jerry: Well this is very awkward!
(Jerry walks in, Kramer's just finished talking on the phone)
Jerry: Date with Karen?
Kramer: No, Julie. She's the one!
Jerry: What happened to Karen?
Kramer: Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. You know her parents are little people?
Jerry: Oh... small world.
(Jerry reenters the wedding hall after Beth's slur.)
Elaine: Where's Beth?
Jerry: She went out to get her head shaved.
Mickey: It's 100% cotton. And some wool.
Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
Jerry: Booze is not a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father.
Tim: You have no idea what my people have been through.
Jerry: The Jews?
Tim: No, the dentists. Did you know we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?
Jerry: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?
Jerry: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
Kramer: "Those people", Listen to yourself.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
Kramer: Yeah!
(Jerry's phone rings)
Jerry: Hello?
Saleswoman: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes! Slams the phone down.
Tim: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?
Jerry: Hey.
Tim: Those aren't matzo balls.
Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?
Tim: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?
Jerry: I know, but...
Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
Jerry: 5000.
Tim: 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a stickle of fluoride.
George: You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, I met this guy. We went out to dinner. I had the lobster bisque. We went back to his place. Yada, yada, yada. I Never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
Jerry: I gotta get on that Internet. I'm late on everything.
Father: Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
Father: That's no sin.
Jerry: Oh good.
Jerry: You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don't you? Newer magazines.
Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity! He's already got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.
(Jerry at confession)
Jerry: ... I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
George: I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. I can gloss over my whole life story.
Jerry: Good meeting?
George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting.
Elaine: I've been dancing and strutting in front of their store for two days.
Jerry: Oh, no wonder we're getting so much rain.
Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled until New Years!
Kramer: Those aren't for New Years...those are my everyday balloons.
George: I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.
Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck.
George: I know.
Mrs. Hamilton: It's taken me thirteen years to climb to climb up to the top of that speed dial and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.
Jerry: But I never--
Mrs. Hamilton: You just stay away from that phone.
George: You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. Only thing is I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
Jerry: You can do that.
George: Of course, but I really want to leave my mark this time. You know, I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, 'Wow, now that guy got canned.'
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence.
George: Yeah, remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft serve machine?
George: Jerry. I can't get fired.
Kramer: Do you think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000, or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?
Jerry: Hello?
Valerie: Who's this?
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: Uh, it's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!
Jerry: Poison Control?! Wow! That's even better than number 1!
(Valerie hangs up the phone.)
Jerry: Hello?
Newman: For me, the next millennium must be Jerry-free!
Steinbrenner: I owe you an apology, body suit man. Streak on!
Jerry: Good meeting?
George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting.
Jerry: Hola.
Elaine: Shove it.
George: What's a barometer exactly?
Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
George: Never thought I'd fail at failing.
Jerry: Oh, come on, now.
George: Feel like I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George: Everything?
Jerry: Everything.
George: You really think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George: Hey, so get this. I got a call this morning from one of the Mets' front office guys. They want to take me out to lunch.
Jerry: What for?
George: I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably want to pick my brain.
Jerry: Really, why do you think they're taking you out to lunch.
George: I have no idea.
(driving circles in the Yankee Stadium parking lot yelling on a bull horn with a trophy trailing his car)
George: Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing! You all stink. You can sit on it... and, rotate! This is George Costanza! I fear no reprisal! Extension 5-1-7-0!!
Newman: I guess I can accept a little Jerry if it gets me a lot of Elaine.
Kramer: So Jerry, my millennium party is really coming together. Will people be able to breathe under water in the year 2000?
Jerry: Some of us.
Kramer: I don't want to exclude anybody.
Steinbrenner: Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man with little-girl legs. And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan.
Valerie: Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews.
Jerry: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up. Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
Valerie: I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.
Jerry: Yeah, it got a good laugh.
Kramer: You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!
Kramer: Hey Jerry, I'm starting the Peterman reality bus tour.
George: Reality tour?
Jerry: The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.
George: All right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft russeling.
George: It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent.
(during Kramer's reality bus tour)
Kramer: We have a bonus ultra-reality stop today. We're going to be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.
Tourist We're going to a garbage dump?
Kramer: And we're off!
Jerry: You know, I never thought he'd be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.
George: (referring to Mary Anne's statement that New York would 'eat him alive') We'll see who can make it in this town.
Jerry: What is it she thinks you can't do?
George: Find a job, get an apartment.
Jerry: How did you do those things?
Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.
George: You know if you take everything I have accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day... it looks decent!
Jerry: I did something stupid.
Kramer: What'd you do?
Jerry: Well, I was shaving, and I noticed an assymmetry in my chest hair. And I was trying to even it out. And the next thing I know... Gone!
Jerry: Wait. Those are the clothes from the bag!
George: The guy never came back.
Jerry: He asked you to watch them, not wear them.
George: I'm still watching them.
Elaine: (describing Newman's ability digest heaps of food) They call him a cleaner. He makes problems go away.
George: Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?
Jerry: Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.
George: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
George: Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.
Jerry: Oh right, the new job, how is it?
George: I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry:So who's the new you?
George: They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
Jerry: When I went to pick her up there was this dude.
George: How do you know it was her dude?
Jerry: What, do you think it could've been just some dude?
George: Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen.
Jerry: I reckon.
George: Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude.
Jerry: Dude!
George: This was supposed to be the "Summer of George!"
(using George's 'mumbling under breath' escape at the Mump's)
Jerry: The one with the... the flavman
Jerry: So, has the summer of George begun? Or are you still decomposing?
George: Decompressing.
Kramer: I can't describe how great it is to win.
Jerry: That's because you didn't win.
Jerry: What's that?
Kramer: (almost weeping) Tony.
Jerry: What happened to you?
Kramer: Raquel Welch!
Jerry: Yikes.
(enter Elaine.)
Jerry: What happened to you?
Elaine: Raquel Welch!
Store Clerk: Have I seen you in here before?
George: About a year ago . . . wedding invitations.
Store Clerk: Oh, right. How'd that work out?
George: No complaints.
George: The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.
Jerry: They did it for three years, what's another few months?
Jerry: (in George's mind) What's the deal with airline peanuts?
George: Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?
Jerry: Here.
George: Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves.
Jerry: I'm trying.
Kramer: Jerry, you got any Tums?
Jerry: Stomach ache?
Kramer: I drank too much water in the shower.
George: Maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man.
Jerry: Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right!
Jerry: Can you believe she expected me to squire her around town while the dude sits at home in swaddling clothes?
George: Do they make swaddling clothes for adults?
Jerry: It's like she's split the job of boyfriend into two jobs. Except the dude's playing the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beverage.
Elaine: What is so appealing to men about a cat fight?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, cat fight!
Jerry: Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.
Peterman: Woof!
Elaine: Do you mean 'reeyar'?
Elaine: (to Puddy) Please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable lasagna here knows it.
Vegetable Lasagna: (apologetically) I don't want to get involved.
Elaine: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!
Vegetable Lasagna: Oh god.
Elaine: Do you want something to read?
Puddy: Nah.
Elaine: Well, are you going to take a nap or --
Puddy: Nah.
Elaine: You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat?
Puddy: Yeah.
George: (commenting on his mustache) I feel like an out-of-work porn star.
Bania: Hey, Jerry, did you see me up there? I was killing, Jerry, killing. I killed!
Jerry: Killed?
Bania: Killed! I'm gonna go pick up some chicks, Good looking ones too. Hey, what's your name?
(after hitting the senior's mobile scooter)
George: What's that the four volt? I did you a favor.
Kramer: Oh man, I think I cooked myself.
Jerry: (after George gets a scooter by faking a handicap) It must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.
Kramer: I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're saut
Jerry: They think you're handicapped? How can you do this?
George: Jerry, let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage, huh?! There was a guy that worked at the Yankees...NO ARMS. He got more work done than I did! Made more money. Had a wife, a family. Drove a better car than I did!
Jerry: He drove a car with no arms?!
George: Alright I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. He hated me anyway!
Jerry: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?
Kramer: Stick a fork in me Jerry, I'm done.
George: Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave-
Jerry: Oh no, not you too?
George: I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...
Jerry: You know what's good for that? Relish.
George: I love that bathroom. It's got that high-high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.
Jerry: You've gotta get a job.
George: Dammit!
Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag!
Puddy: What's going on over there with you and, uh, vegetable lasagna?
Elaine: This guy? He's an idiot. He doesn't mean anything to me.
Passenger: I can hear you.
(Newman is sitting in the Coffee shop when the head of a Turkey turns into Kramer's head)
Turkey Kramer: Hey buddy! (waves wing)
(Newman panics and bolts from the restaurant)
Jerry: (doing is act) And what's the deal with people getting sick? What's the deal with cancer?
Man in Audience: Hey, I have cancer!
Kramer: Uh oh, tough crowd.
George: Bania is the voice of a new generation; my generation!
Jerry: We're four months apart!
George: What is Holland?
Jerry: What do you mean, what is it? It's a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that's the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland is the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?
Jerry: You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!
George: Maybe I am.
Jerry: Oh, I'm gonna puke.
George: Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) puke! Don't have to think about that.
Elaine: (to flight attendant) Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what?
(Newman smells food in the air and thinks it's coming from Jerry's apartment)
Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us, and I say 'why?'. Are we really so different...
Jerry: I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.
Newman: Damn you Seinfeld. You're a useless pustule.
(Kramer starts rubbing a stick of
Jerry's butter across his face)
Jerry: Wait a minute. Do I have to ask?
Kramer: Well, I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosey?
Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?
Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
Jerry: Oh, Moses smell the roses!
(Phone rings, Jerry answers.)
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! NO!!! Thank you.(hangs up) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.
(Jerry and George discuss Elaine's getting back with Puddy)
Jerry: (wisecracks) I guess she's batted around, and she's back at the top of the order.
Kramer: You remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries?
Jerry: Alright.
Kramer: Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.
Jerry: But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
All: Helloooooooo!!
Elaine: (referring to her latest run-in with Puddy) It's an isolated sexual incident. We are not back together!
Jerry: Then what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamourous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Kramer: I come up with these things, I know they're gold but nothing happens. You know why?
Jerry: No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains, no...
Kramer: No, no time! It's all these menial tasks. Laundry, grocery shopping, coming in here and talking to you. You have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I can ballpark it.
George: You broke up with her? Why?
Jerry: So we could do the voice. La-la-la. What's the matter?
George: I think I'm getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? "Hello? La-la-la?"
Jerry: No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
George: I think I like the girl better than the voice.
Jerry: Really?
Jerry: There's Claire!
George: And there's Kramer.
Jerry: And there's the rubber ball... its going to fall right on top of her! Claire! CLAIRE! HELLO?! HELLOOOO?
Claire: (Not looking up) I don't believe this! I'm not looking up if you're going to use that voice!
Jerry: (As the rubber ball is dropped) This is going to be a shame...
Jerry: Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
Kramer: Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Darren: Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hands, using it to wash up. (Jerry stops drinking mid-sip) Then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry spits out water).
Claire: Jerry! Hi!
Jerry: Hellloooooooooooo!
George: (on phone after breaking into office) Hello Marjorie, George Costanza. How are you sweetheart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? If he needs me, tell him: "I'M IN MY OFFICE!!!"
Jerry: (to George) So, basically, you can withstand anything except actual work.
George: Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man - to hire because he was fake handicapped.
Dean Jones: It seems to me that Kramerica Industries is little more than a solitary man in a messy apartment, which may or may not contain a chicken!
Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!
Mr. Thomassoulo: George, I think it would be better if we went our separate ways.
George: I don't understand.
Mr. Thomassoulo: We don't like you; we want you to leave.
George: That's clearer.
Jerry: I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
George: (Walking in as Jerry is kneeling in order to propose to Elaine) Something wrong with your leg?
Kramer: Hoochie mamma.
Elaine: I'm not buying a computer from you.
George: There's porn.
Elaine (thinks about it for a second): Even so.
Jerry: You've heard me yell.
George: Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch.
Jerry:I don't know what's happening to me.
Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come
with it. It's like Endora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too.
Jerry: Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
Patty: I think you are.
Jerry: Well, I'm not.
Patty: Yes, you are, liar.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
Patty: OK, liar.
Jerry: That's enough!
Patty: Ooh that was good.
Jerry: Really? It felt good.
Elaine: What happened to the new Jerry?
Jerry: He doesn't work here anymore.
Kramer: Serenity now!
Frank: Starting tonight we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired. The winner gets a Water Pik.
Elaine: What's the matter?
Jerry: It's Patty.
Elaine: Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
Jerry: What is this salty discharge?
Elaine: Oh my God, you're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible. I care.
Frank: Hoochie mamma! Hoochie mamma!
Frank: Serenity now!
Jerry: George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure, I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Elaine: If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.
Mr. Lippman: You are wrong. I'll prove it.
Elaine: Oh, no. Don't!
Mr. Lippman: I renounce Judaism!
Elaine: Oy, vey!
Frank: SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!
George: "Serenity now?" What's that?
Frank: I got a tape on how to lower my blood pressure. Whenever it starts to get too high, the man on the tape said to say, "SERENITY NOW!"
George: Are you supposed to shout it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
Lloyd: Serenity now. Insanity later.
Jerry: I love you Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah I love you too buddy.
Jerry: 1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass!
Patty: I've never seen you mad.
Jerry: I get peeved.
Patty: Mad.
Jerry: Miffed.
Patty: Mad.
Jerry: Irked.
Patty:I would like to see you get really mad.
George: (referring to Jerry and Elaine) You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.
Elaine: Well, that's because you're an idiot.
Kramer: Y'all come back reeeeal
George: Serenity now!
Jerry: Is this about me?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Well, then I've lost interest.
(on Kramer's blood transfusion)
Jerry: I can feel his blood inside of me... borrowing things from my blood!
Jerry: Why are you calling my parents?
Kramer: Well, if you called a little more often, then maybe I wouldn't have to.
Jerry: If even one corpuscle of that blood should find its way across that hall, I will freak out on you. Freak out!
Kramer: You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly.
Kramer: Well, somebody's baby-sitting.
Elaine: You? I'm more responsible than you are!
Kramer: Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood.
(George is moaning while eating a sandwich and watching a portable TV under covers)
Tara: George, what are you doing? (pulls covers off of him)
George:(with mouthfull) Pleasuring you?
Kramer: If I'm out on the street and it starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.
Elaine: I couldn't raise a kid? C'mon, I love bossing people around.
(Elaine looks very tired while babysitting Jimmy)
Jimmy: (pointing a toy gun at Elaine) You're dead President Lincoln, you're dead!
Elaine: I wish I was dead.
George: (in bed) You got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard...
Kramer: (to Jerry who received a blood transfusion) You've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy!
George: I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
Jerry: Yeah. That's what you did.
(when she finds out Kramer is babysitting instead of her)
Elaine: I'm more responsible than you are!
Kramer: Don't be ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood.
Vivian: I find pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.
Jerry: So, how's the Fornicating Gourmet?
George: Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
George: Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.
Jerry: Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.
George: Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.
Jerry: Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying oneof somebody else's?
Kramer: How many miles?
Jerry: Two.
Kramer: City or highway?
Jerry: Look, do you really wanna buy this thing or what?
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy! I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now!
Puddy: You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.
Elaine: Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.
Puddy: Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman?
Kramer: Oh that's it, they have gone too far!! They keep pushin' me and pushin' me, and now I have no choice but to go down there...and talk to them.
Frank: (to Estelle) Move woman.
Elaine: He's the Wiz, and nobody beats him! Nobody...
(George is sitting on the kitchen counter in the dark when his parents come in)
George: (When the lights come on) Welcome back. (Estelle jumps in surprise) Pretty quick for a catered event isn't it?
Jerry: So, you wanna grab a bite?
George: I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
Jerry: So call now.
George : I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes; a few "you were rights". It's a whole procedure.
George: Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
Kramer: Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
George: Then...shouldn't YOU be wearing the bucket?
(frustrated by his parents after looking in their fridge)
George: No Chinese food, George is getting suspicious!
The Wiz: That's right...they're bringing me back!
Elaine: What?!
The Wiz: That's right! I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz and NO-body beats me!
Jerry: So, what do you know about this Jack fellow?
Elaine: Isn't he the best?
Jerry: Yeah, nobody beats him.
George: Elaine's dating the Wiz? That's kind of pathetic.
Jerry: I know, they're not even related.
Kramer: Rain or snow may not stop them, but let's see them get past these bricks.
Jerry: Where'd you get the bricks?!
Kramer: Jerry...the whole building is brick!
Puddy: Seriously, is this the best okra you've ever had or what?
Elaine: Mmmmm. Dee-lish.
Puddy: Delish?
Elaine: Delish... you know, short for 'delicious.'
Puddy: Ah...like 'Scrump'.
Elaine: ...Yeah.
(about Jerry's new van that's parked in Central Park)
George: That van's a-rockin.
Jerry: Don't go a-knockin.
Elaine: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine: Well for starters, you're looking at note cards.
Vet: The special tiny instruments arrived just in time.
Doctor: It's by the pound, so about 80 cents.
Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set.
Jerry: How did you get this in here?
Kramer: You just bring it in sideways and hook it.
Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?
Kramer: Backstage.
Kramer: Jerry, Now what you do with your personal life is your business but when you're on my set, you clean it up mister!
(George swerves to avoid a pigeon on the road)
George: Did you see that? The pigeon didn't move!
Miranda: (upset) What pigeon? You just hit that squirrel! (Exits the car)
George: Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry: Of course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars...we look the other way on the statue defecation.
Jim Fowler: (appearing on Kramer's set) Where are the cameras?
Jerry: Why were you making gravel?
Kramer: Well, I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.
Celia: (to Jerry) If you think you can drug me and play with my toys you've got another thing coming buddy!
Newman: Go Girl!
Elaine: He's a real sidler!
Elaine: I am going to sidle the sidler.
Jerry: You sidle? You stomp around like a Clydesdale.
Elaine: Not with these honeys... Wrestling Shoes.
Kramer: Only in New York!!
Elaine: It happened as I was making cup-a-soup, singing that song from "The Lion King."
Jerry: 'Hakuna Matata'?
Elaine: I thought I was alone.
Jerry: That doesn't make it right.
Vet: You have 30 minutes.
George: It's like the pigeons are ignoring me!
Jerry: Just like everyone else does!
Kramer: It was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.
George: (about the squirrel he has to care for) It's not a pet. It's a wild invalid. And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep.
Kramer: What is this? Amateur hour?
Elaine: There's this creepy new guy at work. He just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you.
Jerry: So he just sidles up.
Elaine: That's right. He's a real sidler.
Kramer: We're like Cain and Abel.
Jerry: You know Cain slew Abel.
Kramer: No he didn't. They were in business together...drywall or something.
Jerry: The way I remember it, Abel worked all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when winter came, Abel had all the nuts. Cain had no nuts. So he killed him.
Kramer: See, the way I remember it, Cain - he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr Abel.
Jerry: You broke my blender, didn't you?
Kramer: Yeah, I was trying to make gravel, and it just, didn't work out.
Newman: Lately I've been eating the generic brand of wax beans. I rip off the label and, I can't tell the difference...
Kramer: Well we've officially bottomed-out. Who's our next guest?
Newman: We've got no one!
Kramer: We need a new foremat. We should shut down and re-tool.
(Kramer pulls the plug and the show goes dark)
Newman: What about a guest-host?
Kramer: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Kramer: Jerry Seinfeld! Welcome to the show!
Kramer: Moles -- Freckle's ugly cousin.
Elaine: How was the doctor date?
Jerry: It died on the table.
Jerry: You call yourself life saver, I call you pimple popper MD!
Kramer: I haven't had a decent sandwich in thirteen years.
George: This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him.
Kramer: I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them.
Elaine: How'd you know you cut it?
Kramer: Well, I guess I just assumed.
George: You simply must apologize.
Jerry: Must I?
George: Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.
Jerry: How does that affect me?
Kramer: Yes, but where does the meat go?
Dr. Seredes: Do you have any idea what it's like to save someone's life?
Jerry: Is it anything like hitting a homer in softball?!
Dr. Seredes: No.
Jerry: Cuz I hit a whopper last week!
George: So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click, I snap me a shot of a bare-chested Kruger.
Elaine: You have a little thing for this fella'?
Jerry: Skin Cancer!
Kramer: Why would I, a Juilliard-trained dermatologist, send [Kruger] to another doctor?
George: Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter.
Jerry: Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor.
George: Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on.
Kramer: And Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser Rolls.
Jerry: I think we might have some left in the stockroom.
(Later on in the episode)
Kramer: Oh yeah, I couldn't find that stockroom!
Elaine: (drunk and peering through the slats in Jerry's door) Goodnight, Jugdish!
Kramer: Franklin Delano Romanowski: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George: Stink eye?
Jerry: Crook eye?
Kramer: Evil eye.
Elaine: I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine: What combination?
Jerry: *mimes drinking schnapps*
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you.
Kramer: I'm goin' to Newman's!
Jerry: (follows Kramer) Great, I love Newman!
Elaine: Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with a bunch of my idiot friends!
Jerry: (enthused) This is gonna be great!
George: So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (suspicious)Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?
Jerry: Are you?
Elaine: What's that smell?
Jerry: I think it's the stench of death.
Usha: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.
Zubin: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague? I mean the plague! Please!
George: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
George: (whispering) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!
Jerry: That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.
Jerry: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George: Oh, it's a bad day. You got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!"
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Every day is my birthday.
Newman: I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes; they're meaningless!
Elaine (drunk): What if I got myself a nose piercing? That'd be pretty freaky!
Elaine: The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds up invitation) today.
Jerry: So you think it's a "non-vite"?
Elaine: It's an "un-vitation"!
Kramer: Does your girlfriend have to be here?
Newman: Does yours? *camera pans to Jerry*
Elaine: Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all ancient history.
George: (very loud) You slept with the groom?!
*room goes silent*
George: Good one. Very funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people.(Shouting) Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!
Elaine: He schnapped me!
Newman: (To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk about mail all day.
Jerry: He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
George: Probably because this whole universe is against me!
Jerry: I think you've got a little rage.
George: I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!
George: (about Henke) Instead of an apology, he was be-boppin' and scattin' all over me.
Jerry: What is wrong with my body?
Elaine: Chicken wing shoulder blades.
Jerry: Is that it?
Elaine: No but that's one problem, why?
George: This bread has nuts in it!
Kramer: Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I could make some changes. Wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just focus!
Kramer: You went to the coffee shop without me? I told you I just wanted to hop in the shower.
Jerry: That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
Kramer: Showering. How long's it take you?
Jerry: Ten minutes.
Kramer: Ten minutes? That's kooky talk.
George: It's like you're living in the Playboy Mansion! Did she frolic?
Jerry: I don't really have enough room.
George: I'm not here for rage, I'm here for revenge.
Puddy: Puddy
Kramer: Is David Puddy there?
Puddy: This is Puddy.
Kramer: Well this is Kramer.
Puddy: I know.
George: I'm losing it!
Elaine: This food was in the shower with you?
Kramer: Mmm hmm... I prepared it as I bathed.
(on Kramers shower routine)
Jerry: You're probably wasting time working piece-meal, first cleaning one area and then another.
Kramer: Well, that's how cats do it.
Jerry: But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity.
Elaine: The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep.
Elaine: (about her co-worker) This is all in her mind, okay? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah... She's a whacko.
(getting mad at an anger management class)
George: Am I talking to you Pinhead?
Kramer: (observing men in a gym shower) Oh yeah yeah, I'm watching you too, but this guy's really showing me something.
Henke: Alright George, alright. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal size neckhole of my finely knit sweater.
George: So she coughed.
Jerry: Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man.
George: Everything goes with naked.
Jerry: When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.
George:You spoiled spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?
Jerry: But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad.
Jerry: Why didn't you ever mention this?
Kramer: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing.
Kramer: H&H wouldn't let us use their bathroom while we were picketing. It put a cramp in our solidarity.
Jerry (surprised): Gwen, what are you doing here?
Gwen: Kramer told me you were here.
Kramer (excited): Another Festivus miracle!
George: I don't really celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Festivus.
George: (on Gwen) She's a two-face.
Jerry: Like the Batman villain?
George: (condescending) If that helps you.
Jerry: So if I ask her out again, I don't know who's showing up -- the good, the bad, or the ugly.
Jerry: You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really really fast.
Jerry: When George was growing up, his father hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
Elaine: Oh... and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
George: I got him Yankees tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying, "I've given your gift to someone else!"
(Back on strike, trying to keep people from getting bagels)
Kramer: Heeey, no-bagel-no-bagel-no-bagel-no-bagel-no-bagel, heey!
George: I'm embracing my roots.
Jerry: They got you on the 20G's?
George: Busted cold.
Kramer: (shocked by Elaine's face) Yama hama. It's fright night.
Frank: It's Festivus... for the rest of us!
Jerry: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized!(Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
Kramer: (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
Jerry: Nice cuff links, by the way.
George: Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!
Jerry: That's not a French cuff shirt, you know.
George: I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.
Jerry: Classy.
Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. And as I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll.
Frank: It was destroyed, but out of this came a new holiday, 'a Festivus for the rest-of-us.'
Kramer: That must of been some doll.
Frank: SHE was!
Frank: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Kramer: And is there a tree?
Frank: No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Frank: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the cassette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard.)
Frank: Read that poem.
George: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
Frank: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!
Estelle: Leave him alone!
Frank: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.
(George has a break down)
George: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
Frank: We had some good times.
George: (about car salesmen) First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep... Suddenly you're on your back like a turtle.
Jerry: Alright, alright. Alright, that's enough! Let's get back to my deal. That undercoating, that's just a rip-off, isn't it, David?
Puddy: Oh, we don't even know what it is.
(Puddy is adding up all the extra charges)
Puddy: Keys.
Jerry: Keys?
Puddy: How you gonna start it?
George: Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch!
Clerk: What about the 100,000 dollar bar?
George: Nope, rice and caramel.
Clerk: Nougat?
Jerry: Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual.
Elaine: It's that bad?
Jerry: What do you think the Nazis were doing? That was the "heil five."
Salesman: So where are we going?
Kramer: Just a little place I like to call... you'll see.
(Jerry is trying to finalize the deal for his new car with Puddy just after Puddy and Elaine break up again)
Jerry: Did you two break up?
Puddy: That chick's whacked, we're history. I just left out a couple of things. Rust-proofing...
Jerry: Rust-proofing?
Puddy: Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's fee...
Jerry: Finder's fee!? It was on the lot!
Puddy: Yeah, that's right. Floor mats, keys...
Jerry: Keys!?
Puddy: How ya gonna start it?
Elaine: You're a salesman now - and the high-five is... it's very grease monkey.
Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
Elaine: I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
Puddy: (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You. Stupid.
Elaine: Well, that is really mature.
Puddy: Yeah? So are you.
Elaine: Huh?
Puddy: You're the grease monkey.
Elaine: (Confused at his attempts at a comeback) Uh.. that doesn't make any sense. I am leaving.
Puddy: Yeah, if you leave, we're through.
Elaine: Fine! We're through!
Puddy: Oh, so you're leaving?
Elaine: (While leaving) That's right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five!(Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side!(As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin' me to Arby's.
Jerry: So Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more 'grease monkey.'
Puddy: I don't care for that term.
Jerry: Oh sorry, I didn't know.
Puddy: I don't know too many monkeys that can take apart a fuel injector.
George: I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.
Salesman: Let's just go for it like "Thelma and Louise"!
Kramer: They drove to a dealership?
Salesman: No, they drove off a cliff!
Kramer: You're one sick momma... I like it!
Puddy: I can't give you black at that price.
George: (screaming) TWIIIIIIIIIX!!!!!
(scene changes)
Elaine: What was that?
Puddy: Oh, there's a mental hospital near here.
George: I have the window!
George: It's wrinkled, it's worthless.
Jerry: I can't believe we're going dancing.
Keri: You don't go that often?
Jerry: No, because it's so stupid.
(On the phone with George, Jerry can hear the massage chair in the background)
Jerry: What is that noise?
George: That's my toaster. I gotta go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Jerry hangs up the phone)
Jerry: You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me.
George: Oh, so now I have to buy the whole chair by myself?
Jerry: No, you don't have to buy anything.
George: I already bought it! I've been lying to you for three days and now you're all screwin' me!
Jerry: I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?
George: I needed it. My back is...a little tweaked.
Jerry: Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it.
George: Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.
Jerry: Your good friend is morbidly obese.
George: (taking out his wallet) Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me.
Jerry: Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.
George: (putting his wallet back in his pocket) This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.
Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in.
Elaine: Why?
Newman: To prevent an ambush.
Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
Jerry: It's not a purse. It's European!
(Puddy approaches Elaine wearing a cheap (probably vinyl) sports coat)
Elaine: What is that?
Puddy: It's my new coat.
Elaine: What happened to the fur?
Puddy: Oh, I saw Jerry wearing a fur coat and he looked like kind of a dandy. Hey, check it out (turns around revealing a large 8-Ball on the back) 8-Ball! You gotta question...you ask the 8-ball.
Elaine: Are you gonna wear that, all the time?
Puddy: ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES...hahaha high five!
Elaine: So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.
Jerry: Because you threw it out.
Elaine: No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's insane!
Jerry: But you did actually throw his coat out the window?
Elaine: But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows someone stole it, and that's the person who should be held responsible.
Jerry: But that's you.
Elaine: So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.
Silvio: Why are we in Jerry's apartment?
Kramer: Well, I like to think of this as my conference room. It has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves... and the furniture.
(After seeing his girlfriend's large keychain)
Jerry: What are you a medieval dungeon master?
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?
Kramer: (to Elaine after he and Newman found Puddy's fur coat in a tree) Have you ever seen Newman climb? He's like a red tailed lemur.
Kramer: So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?
Newman: Well, there's very little sleeping going on.
Kramer: Nobody carries a wallet anymore. All you need is a few cards and your money. You put the big bills on the outside.
Jerry: That's a five.
Jerry: Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
Silvio: That is your coat?
Jerry: It sure is.
Silvio: Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!
Jerry: (to George) You know, just the fact that you're so dead set against this makes me think I'm on to something.
George: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
Jerry: So Puddy wears a man-fur?
Elaine: He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson.
Jerry: (comparing George's wallet with his hamburger) You got more cow here than here.
Newman: (Regarding Elaine's apartment) Ah, this is very much as I imagined it to be, aside from this rattan piece which seems oddly out of place.
Elaine: He said I could submit some of my own cartoons.
Jerry: Wow, that's incredible. But you don't draw.
Elaine: I do too.
Jerry: What, your sad little horsies? The house with the little curl of smoke? The sunflower with the smiley face. The transparent cube.
Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!
Sally: (seeing the silent Kramer at the coffee shop) Hey, you're Jerry's friend. You're kooky. Mind if I sit? My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? You should, everybody else has. And you know what? I got recognized the other day! How weird is that? I know, at first I liked the attention, but it's like, 'Whoa, take three steps back, get a life, OK?' But then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean? But who am I, anyway? I mean, there's Sally Weaver the woman, Sally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person--
Kramer: (abruptly) Now, you got to shut up!
Jerry: (to Susan's friend Sally, in an effort to fill an awkward pause) So, Susan's dead.
Kramer: (to Jerry) You know what woman I always thought you looked like? Lena Horne.
Janet: I like gum.
George: I do too. You see, that's what we're about. You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.
Elaine: (Reading what Kramer wrote for the comic) The pig says: "My wife is a slut"?
Jerry: Now that's a complaint.
George: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner.
Elaine: That's the page number.
George: Well, I can't crack this one.
Elaine: I'm gonna get to the bottom of this!
Jerry: I think we're at the bottom!
Elaine: Everything with you has to be so jokey.
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Kramer: C'mon George, relax. Just because they look alike that doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.
Elaine: Some people should just give up. I have.
Jerry: What did you want to be?
Elaine: I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this.
Newman: (reffering to Sallys show) It's so great to see a show that's about something.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Hey, you got some messages. Yeah, uh... George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine... Newman, but that was a crank call.
(Seeing Sally on TV in his apartment)
Jerry: Get outta my house!!
Jerry: (on Sally's quitting the business) She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejection and failure till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
(immediately upon arriving at work)
Peterman: Elaine, I'm afraid I've incurred yet another flat tire. ... Chop chop!
Jerry: You ripped off a Ziggy?
Elaine: It must've seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has Ziggy bedsheets.
(Kramer insists he is going to stop talking)
Kramer: Starting NOW! (Suddenly stubs his toe, he cries out in pain then looks at Jerry) ...now!!!
Kramer: What do I need to talk for, huh? What, to blab to the neighbors about how George has a new femme Jerry friend? To tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend? See now, I've done all that. Now it's time for silence.
George: Silence, yes!
George: Why does it seem like I'm the only one working at this breakup?!
George: (about his girlfriend Maura) She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth I'll break under the cross.
Jerry: You were in the Army?
Kramer: Briefly.
Kramer: Oh. Well, would you look at that? Guess I forgot to lock it.
Jerry: You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?
Kramer: Well, this is one for the books.
Kramer: (to Jerry) You wouldn't last a day in the army!
Jerry: Well how long did you last?
Kramer: Well, that's classified.
Jerry: He's the got-no-green lantern.
George: Hey Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan.
Maura: A relationship is like launching nuclear missiles from a submarine, you both have to turn your key.
George: Turn your key Maura!
Maura: I'm afraid I can't do that.
George: TURN YOUR KEY!
Maura: No.
George: (giving up) ...alright...
Kramer: (reading a tombstone) Man's best friend. (just talking) Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.
Elaine: I guess I'm Lois Loan.
George: (having trouble ending a relationship) Apparently I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt.
Jerry: (To George) So you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex with you.
George: I am caught in my own web of lies.
George: Maura I uh, I want you to know I've given this a lot of thought I'm sorry, but we uh we have to break up.
Maura: No.
George: What's that?
Maura: We're not breaking up.
George: We're not?
Maura: No.
George: (pauses for a moment) Alright.
Jerry: (about Elaine's new boyfriend) Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps?
George: I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together.
Jerry: Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! And who buries a bird?
Kramer: Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator.
Jerry: Just get the key and let's get out here.
Kramer: You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence.
Jerry: Kramer!?
Kramer: What?
Jerry: You killed Fredo!
Kramer: Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't have eaten that key.
Jerry: Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird. What are we gonna do?
Kramer: You just answered your own question.
Jerry: Oh, no...
Kramer: (walking towards his apartment) I'll get the shovel.
Jerry: We found out his super power was lack of money.
Elaine: Alright.
Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
(Jerry getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and seeing Phil get in with him.)
Jerry: So you do live here.
Phil: Yeah.
(going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence. Jerry, getting off the elevator at the same floor as Phil.)
Jerry: You live on this floor?
Phil: Yeah.
(Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's)
Jerry: So you live right... there.
Phil: Yeah.
Jerry: So I guess I'll see-
(Phil goes into his apartment as he slams the door behind him)
George: You can already start up a conversation with Jerry Lewis-you guys have the same first name.
Jerry: That won't work...
George: That's not what I said when I met George Peppard last week.
Jerry: George Peppard has been dead for years.
George: Well whoever I was talking to sure knew a lot about The A-Team!!!
Glenn: You are the bearclaw in the garbage bag of my life.
Helen: I'll fix ya something. How about feta cheese omelet?
Kramer: Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry: You feed him, he'll never leave!
Helen: I don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and egg beaters?
Kramer: (pouts) I guess...
Jerry: (about retirement homes) Kramer, you can't live here. This is where people come to die! (his parents look at him)
(George is preparing to drive the Rosses to the Hamptons)
George: Ya wanna get nuts? LET'S GET NUTS!!!
Darryl: So . . . we're just a couple of white people?
Elaine: I guess so. (Pause) Wanna go to the Gap?
Darryl: Sure!
Kramer: Polls close in an hour; I think we got this baby all sewn up. (fishes a wizard out of his pocket) There was one extra. (shakes head) Norman Bergerman...he won't be leaving any tips where he is.
Old Guy: Morty, your boy here just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.
Jerry: She's fifty!
Helen: The press would bury him.
Jerry: What press?!
Helen: The Boca Breeze.
Morty: Pinko commie rag!
Elaine: (to Darryl) You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.
Darryl: We are. Because you're Hispanic.
Elaine: I am?
Darryl: Aren't you?
Elaine: No. Why would you think that?
Darryl: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.
Elaine: That's because I thought you were black.
George: And I have horses too.
Mr. Ross: What are their names?
George: Snoopy and Prickly Pete.
(At night, George is out outside his car with the Rosses on the beach)
Mr. Ross: Where are we, George?
George: Almost there.
Mr. Ross: Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?
George: We, uh, we go on foot from here.
Mr. Ross: All right.
(Few seconds of silence)
George There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.
Mr. Ross: We know.
George: Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?
Mrs. Ross: We don't like you, George.
Mr. Ross: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.
George: Oh.
Mr. Ross: All right! Let's head back.
Elaine: So Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes.
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring.
Jerry: From what?
Kramer: From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.
George: I've been lying about my income for a few years. I figure I can afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
George: I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine: Haven't you done enough to these people?
Morty: How could you spend 200 dollars on a tip calculator!?!
Jerry: It does other things!
Jerry: You prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy I understand.
(Mickey starts the fight with Kramer about the both of them getting gonorrhea and are fighting on the floor.)
Student: (points to Kramer) Um, cirrosis in the liver and (points to Mickey) PCP addiction.
George: Maybe she stole a tractor.
Jerry: No one steals a tractor, it a five mile-an-hour getaway!
George Costanza: Don't you even care? This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the "R" fell off and all it says now is K--uger.
Mr. Kruger: K-uger? That sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? (pretends to honk a horn) K-oogah! K-oogah! (snickers)
George: Ohh! Ohh! You are too much Mr. Kruger. Too much!
Kruger: Thank you George, you've been great. (gets up and leaves on a high note)
George: What? No, no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger.
Kruger: It's K-UGER!
Puddy: You stole my Jesus fish didn't you?
Elaine: That's right I'm the devil! (makes her fingers like horns and gaggles at Puddy)
Elaine: Is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
Puddy: Not for me.
Elaine: Why not?
Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.
George: I'm against all 'It's me's'. It's so self-absorbed and egotistical, like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes.
Jerry: She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.
George: Whoa, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?
Jerry: Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?
George: I had 'em Jerry. They loved me.
Jerry: And then?
George: I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.
Jerry: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off.
(Kramer walks in on Jerry, Geeorge, and Elaine)
Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Sophie: My boyfriend said I got gonnorhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
George: Pull the old switcheroo.
Jerry: I think that's 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander.'
George: What the hell is a gander anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her.
George: (going out on a high note) Alright, that's it for me! Be good everybody!
Jerry: Tractor!
George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
George: And the Christian rock?
Elaine: Resurrected! And look what I pried off of his bumper... a Jesus fish!
Jerry: Hi, Sophie. It's me.
Sophie: Hey, Rafe.
Jerry: (to George) She thinks it's someone named Rafe.
George: Go on, go on. Let her think it.
Jerry: (disguising his voice) So, uh, what's going on?
Sophie: Not a whole lot.
George: (whispering) Ask about you! Ask about you!
Jerry: So, how are things going with Jerry?
Sophie: Oh, I really like him. But I still haven't told him the tractor story.
Jerry: Right, right, the tractor story.
Sophie: Are you sick, Rafe? You sound kinda funny.
Jerry: I sound funny?
George: (whispering) Abort! Abort!
Jerry: Yeah, I better get to a doctor. Bye.
Kramer: I'm going to make people feel my gonorrhea and feel the gonorrhea in themselves.
Mickey: Bacterial meningitis... Jackpot!
Kramer: Gonnorhea? You wanna trade?
Mickey: Sorry buddy, this is the Hamlet of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions... It's got everything.
Elaine: (after helping a co-worker through withdrawals) I even got an idea out of it... The Detox Poncho.
George: I can't return the book. It's been flagged in every Brentano's in town. So instead I'm going to steal it, return it, get my money back, and then everything will be even.
Jerry: You defile one book, steal another, get your money back, and that seems even to you?
Co-Worker: So Elaine, you gonna dance this year?
Elaine: Maybe....all over your face!
Manager: I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.
Jerry: Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal.
Manager: That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries.
George: They made me buy it! A hundred bucks this thing cost me!
Jerry: Leo, I saw you at Brentano's yesterday.
Uncle Leo: Why didn't you say hello?
Jerry: Because you were too busy stealing a book!
Uncle Leo: You still say hello.
Helen: It's not stealing if it's something you need.
Jerry : (confused) What does that mean?
Helen: Nobody pays for everything.
Jerry: (shocked) You're stealing too?!
Peterman: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love Newton?
Elaine: (confused) Love Newton?
Jerry: (about the book George took into the bathroom) That book has been on a wild ride.
George: If it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
Kramer: (doing a Jerry impression) What's the deal with politics? I don't get it. Am I right, people?
Charity Worker: This book has been in a bathroom!
George: What are you talking about?
Charity Worker: It's been flagged. I know, I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here; it's bad enough we've got some guy out there trying to strap a rickshaw to 'em!
George: Well you just lost a lot of business because I love to read!
Jerry: You could get arrested.
Uncle Leo: Arrested? Come on! "I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?"
Jerry: (to Kramer and Newman) To the Idiotmobile!
Kramer: Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he phhhffew! He bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 85% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fall within the first three months.
Kramer (to Newman): See, we should've gotten some collateral from him...like his bag of cans, or...his other bag of cans...
Elaine: We made out at the table like our plane was going down.
(In Jerry's dark room)
Newman: Goodnight ... Jerry.
Jerry: Goodnight Newman.
Jerry: (pointing the finger at George for shoplifting) That Guy! Swarm! Swarm!
(In Jerry's bedroom)
Jerry: I want everyone out!
Kramer: All right. (to Newman) We'll talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.
Kramer: Look at this, Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. You know, I always thought those would be perfect for the city.
Jerry: Yeah, New York needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
Cashier: I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
George: Why not?
Cashier: It's been flagged.
George: Flagged?
Cashier: It's been in the bathroom.
George: It says that on the computer?!
Elaine: (about her co-workers) I had to take a sick day, I'm so sick of these people.
Jerry: I think by sleeping with her I may have sent her the wrong message.
Jerry: You sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Kramer: They want to know why they never see you.
George: Well, I'm doing it Jerry. I'm buying that Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever!
Jerry: Fabulous! See, now you're really doing something.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, Sir?
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grifts in the book: the Entenmanns's Shim Sham.
Slippery Pete: What's that?
George: The outlet?
Slippery Pete: Mm-hmm.
George: That's where the electricity comes out.
Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.
Shlomo: Which one's the bathroom?
George: Uh, here.
Shlomo: They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh.
George: The Frogger is here.
Kramer: George, I thought that was the door.
Slippery Pete: Where are all the pizza ovens?
Shlomo: I thought the bathroom was here.
(Shlomo and Slippery Pete are watching George cross the street like the frog in the game)
Shlomo: He looks like a frog.
Slippery Pete: So do you.
Jerry: (receiving an ugly new hat) Why don't you put it in the car so I don't accidentally toss it in that dumpster.
Elaine: Do you think we can fill the void in our lives with flour, sugar, eggs and vanilla? I mean, we're all unhappy; do we have to be fat too? (looks at Becky who is fat and is standing in the crowd) Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism.
George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never going to have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.
Kramer: Believe me George; you can count on Slippery Pete.
George: Slippery Pete?
Kramer: Yeah, I don't care for the name either.
Lubeck: It's an Entenmann's.
Peterman: (with vain hope) Do they have a castle at Windsor?
Lubeck: No, they have a display case at the end of the aisle.
(Frogger gets hit by truck)
Jerry: Game over.
Elaine: (frightened) Get well, get well soon. We want you to get well! (in pain clapping) Get well, get well soon. We want you to get well!
Jerry: Hey George, how are you going to keep the machine plugged in?
George: What?
Jerry: Well, when you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
George: You're right. Why must there always be a problem. You'd think just once I'd catch a break. God knows I earned it with that score.
George: Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Getting that frog across the street was my entire life.
Jerry: Yeah, and then you went on to... well, it's a good game.
George: (on his gaming skills) Oh, I was unstoppable! Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella, with just the right amount of grease on the joystick.
Elaine: Guess what I ate!
George: An ostrich burger?
Elaine: No, a $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at the Duke and Duchess of Windsor auction. It's the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.
Jerry: How did it taste?
Elaine: A little stale.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, is the item still with you?
Elaine: As far as I know.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you know what happens when a cake sits in a damp, poorly ventilated cellar for 60 years?
Elaine: (frightened) No.
Mr. Peterman: (letting her off the hook but smugly adds) Very well. I have the feeling what you're about to go through is punishment enough.
(Elaine stands there weakly.)
Mr. Peterman: (smugly tosses remote away) Dismissed.
Jerry: She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.
Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No sir, I can't.
Kramer: Jerry. The police found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park... I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you!
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me!
Kramer: Not as many as there used to be!
Jerry: Well,where are you?
Kramer: I'm at the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!
George: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
Jerry: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
Elaine: Oh, that's nice. Nothing's more satisfying than diddlin' the maid and chewing some gum.
George: (about laser pointers) This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I can't be blind Jerry, the blind are courageous.
Kramer: It's like every Puerto Rican in New York City is out today!
Puerto Rican: Well, it is our day.
Kramer: Okay, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I'm sorry" wave.
Jerry: What's that?
Kramer: You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.
Elaine: Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people!
George: (Yells out) That's gotta hurt! (Audience stops laughing) It's... gotta hurt! Hurt! Because.. Aaarrrrrgh! Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!
Kramer: Varnsen!
Jerry: Pennypacker!
Kramer: Vandelay!
George: Pennypacker, Varnsen!
Jerry: Vandelay!
Jerry: (trying to covertly tell Kramer and George that no one is posting sentry at the car) If you're here, then who's watching the Saab factory?
Kramer: It's like this every day in Puerto Rico.
Elaine: (from the hallway off camera) Jerry?!
Jerry: SHUT UP!
Jerry: We made a lot of new friends, shared a lot of laughs, mostly on the expense of others, and slept with...well, who's counting?
(bloopers from "The Pie")
Jerry: Hello...
Audrey: What are YOU doing here?
Jerry (can't remember his line): I don't know.
(everyone starts laughing)
Frank: Are you telling me there is not one condo in all of Del-bo... Del-bo... Del Boco Vista?!
(take 2)
Frank: In all of Del Voco Bista?!
(take 3)
Frank: In all of Del Besta Bico?!
Newman: All right, but hear me and hear me well. The day will come - oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning will come, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I will be there, in all my glory. Watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
George: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.
George: Really! Why don't you think before you do something?!
Elaine: Here's a thought! Bye-bye! (walks off)
Jerry: Hey how was the beach?
Kramer: Oh you missed it buddy. Lot of Femininas! Some major femininas!
George: (to Jerry) Too much?
Kramer: Jerry, its LA...nobody leaves!...She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whorrrrreeeerrrr!
Jerry: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open door urination policy, let me disabuse you of this notion right now my friend!
George: You're so uptight.
Jerry: Yeah uptight. Let's all just have a big pee-party! ... "Hey everybody grab a bucket, we're going up to Jerry's ... it's a big pee-party!"
George: When is it going to be my turn Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes?! I want my 15 minutes!
Jerry: Oh quit complaining, at least you have your health.
George: Oh Health's not good enough! I want more health more than health! Health's not doing it for me anymore! I'm sick of health!
George: I'm not getting on a regular plane now. I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.
Elaine: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.
George: First class doesn't make it anymore. (to Jerry) Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one--the "Ted Danson" plane.
Elaine: (Picking up the phone) I'm gonna call Jill before we go.
Jerry: You can't make a call that important while you're walking out the door! You can't rush that conversation, that's worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk!
Elaine: Well I can't call her from the limo, can I call her from the plane?
Jerry: First you call her from the street, then she loses a call-waiting face off and now you're talking about a plane call?
Elaine: (giving up) Alright then I guess I'll call her from Paris.
George: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.
Estelle: Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth. The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.
Jerry: See now to me that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high. Its no mans no land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
(This is the same conversation the series opened up with between Jerry and George in "The Seinfeld Chronicles".
Prosecutor: How long was his book overdue?
Mr. Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
Prosecutor: What do you call them?
Mr. Bookman: Criminals.
Jackie: (speaking to Jerry) Oh. By the way. They're real, and they're spectacular!
George: It was Moops!
Bubbleboy: MOORS!
Steinbrenner: He had one little problem though (speaking about George). He was a communist! Pink as they come! Like a big juicy steak!
Frank Costanza: HOW COULD YOU GIVE 12 MILLION DOLLARS TO HIDEKI IRABU?!!!!
Marla: Well... I heard of a... of a... oh I can't!
Prosecutor: It's alright, just... slowly...
Marla: I was... made aware of a-a contest, between the four of them. In which they... to see who could go the longest without--oh I can't do it! It's too embarrassing!
Prosecutor: Its okay, it'll be okay just tell us what happened.
Marla: To see who could go the longest without... gratifying themselves!
(The court reels back in disgust)
Jackie: Soup Nazi? You people have pet names for everybody!
(Estelle has fainted after the verdict)
Frank: C'MON! WE GOTTA BEAT THE TRAFFIC!
Prosecutor: State your name.
Soup Nazi: Yev Kasem.
Prosecutor: Could you spell that please?
Soup Nazi: No! Next question.
Jackie Chiles: Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?
George: It makes me look older.
Jackie Chiles: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you a moral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.
Bailiff: Court calls Yev Asem to the stand.
Elaine: Soup Nazi!
(Walking to their cell)
Jerry: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back.
Kramer: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Eliza Doolittle.
Elaine: Why don't you just blow it out your...
(Epilogue, on stage in the prison)
Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner 1: I am.
Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner 2: Murder one.
Jerry: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?
Prisoner 3: Grand theft auto.
Jerry: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.
Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
Guard: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
Jerry: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria
