Summary
Elaine gets chosen as a secret shopper but doesn’t understand the “secret” part of the job title. Jerry dates a beautiful police woman who puts a “Blue Lives Matter” bumper sticker on his car. Kramer publishes an eBook of his driving shortcuts.
Title: “The Secret Shopper”
[INT. MONK’S CAFE – DAY]
Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are sitting at their usual booth, engrossed in a lively conversation.
JERRY: You won’t believe what happened to me yesterday. I’m dating this police woman, and she puts a blue lives matter bumper sticker on my car.
GEORGE: (laughing) Well, at least you’ll have some extra protection from parking tickets.
KRAMER: (entering excitedly) Hey, everybody, guess what? I’ve just published an eBook that’s going to revolutionize driving!
ELAINE: (sarcastically) Oh great, another one of your harebrained schemes?
KRAMER: No, no, this is different! It’s a guide to all my amazing driving shortcuts. I’ve been secretly documenting them for years.
GEORGE: (drily) Oh, I can’t wait to read about your “shortcut” that took us through three red lights last week.
ELAINE: (suddenly enthusiastic) Speaking of shortcuts, guess what? I got chosen to be a secret shopper!
JERRY: (secretly amused) Elaine, you’re proud to be a secret shopper? Isn’t the point that it’s supposed to be… well, secret?
ELAINE: (confidently) Yeah, but I’m so good at it that I can’t help but tell the clerks I’m secretly evaluating them. They need to know who’s watching!
[INT. CLOTHING STORE – DAY]
Elaine walks into a clothing store, dressed in a casual but stylish outfit. She approaches the CASHIER.
ELAINE: (with a wink) Just so you know, I’m a secret shopper, here to scrutinize your every move.
CASHIER (confused) Um, okay? Can I help you find anything?
ELAINE: (proudly) No need. I’ll find what I need all on my own. Just know that I’m watching… secretly.
[INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT]
Jerry is looking at his car parked outside, adorned with the blue lives matter bumper sticker.
JERRY: (to George) You think this sticker’s going to mess up my paint job?
GEORGE: (sarcastically) Well, Jerry, it’s not like you’re dating a cop who could help you get out of a ticket or anything…
JERRY: (dismissively) I’m not worried about that. I’m more concerned about the aesthetics.
[INT. MONK’S CAFE – DAY]
George is sitting at the booth with Kramer, discussing Kramer’s eBook.
GEORGE: Kramer, I read your eBook, and I’ve got to say, it’s… it’s something.
KRAMER: (excited) I knew you’d love it! You’re the first one I’ve let in on my driving secrets.
GEORGE: (awkwardly) Yeah, speaking of that… I’ve been reading some, uh, reviews on Amazon.
KRAMER: (defensively) What? Already? What do they say?
GEORGE: (slowly) Well, they’re not exactly glowing. People are complaining about how your shortcuts got them stuck in traffic for hours, and one person claims they ended up in another state.
KRAMER: (disappointed) Those people just don’t get it, George. They’re missing the point of my shortcuts.
GEORGE: (strategically) You know what you need? Some positive reviews to balance things out.
KRAMER: (eyes widening) You’re right! George, can you write a few good reviews for me? Secretly?
GEORGE: (resigned) Fine, but only because I want this whole thing to blow over…. and twenty bucks a review.
KRAMER: You’re on cowboy!
[INT. CLOTHING STORE – DAY]
Elaine is back at the same clothing store, talking to the CASHIER again.
ELAINE: (excited) I’m back, and I just want to say, you passed the secret shopping test with flying colors!
CASHIER: (confused) Secret shopping test?
ELAINE: (grinning) Oh, you know, the one where I was secretly evaluating your performance. You nailed it!
CASHIER: (awkwardly) Okay… Thanks?
[EXT. JERRY’S APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY]
Jerry is standing outside, examining his car’s bumper sticker closely.
JERRY: (to himself) Maybe it’s not so bad.
As he walks away, a completely bald man walks by and notices the sticker.
BALD MAN: (approvingly) Hey, nice bumper sticker! Blue lives matter! (Shakes fist in the air)
JERRY: (forced smile) Yeah, thanks!
[INT. MONK’S CAFE – DAY]
Elaine joins Jerry, George, and Kramer at the booth, looking quite pleased with herself.
ELAINE: (smirking) You guys won’t believe how amazing I am at being a secret shopper. Every clerk I encountered practically worshiped me.
KRAMER: (hinting) Speaking of amazing things, Elaine, have you checked out my new eBook?
ELAINE: (skeptical) Your eBook? The one about driving shortcuts?
KRAMER: (defensively) That’s the one.
ELAINE: (raising an eyebrow) Let me guess, it’s full of shortcuts that lead to nowhere?
KRAMER: (grinning) You’re just not grasping the genius of it.
GEORGE: (whispering to Jerry) Hey, how many parking tickets did you avoid with that bumper sticker?
JERRY: (nods) Yeah, it’s… quite the conversation starter. George you’ll be happy that a bald man gave it compliments.
ELAINE: (glancing at Jerry) A bald man? Was he a skin head?
JERRY: (sighs) A skin head? Technically yes… but a real skin head? (Suddenly Jerry looks worried.)
[INT. MONK’S CAFE – LATER]
Elaine, Jerry, George, and Kramer are sitting at the booth, each dealing with the consequences of their respective subplots.
ELAINE: (to Kramer) Your eBook didn’t go over so well, huh?
KRAMER: (grumbling) People just don’t appreciate my shortcuts. Too bad for them. That Rockaway Boulevard tip is pure gold.
ELAINE: Well, I lost my secret shopper job.
JERRY: (to Elaine) And I guess you had to let everyone know you were a secret shopper?
ELAINE: (defiantly) I was just doing my job, Jerry. It’s important to establish my authority. How about you? Are you still enticing the alt-right to read your bumper?
JERRY: I scraped it off with a dime. Ruined my paint job. I took it to Puddy’s to see if he could touch up the paint and I got a parking ticket not 10 minutes later.
GEORGE: (slurping soup) Well that’s a shame.
KRAMER: (thinking aloud) Maybe I’ll just write a new eBook about something else. Like… chicken rearing tips.
ELAINE: (mocking) Oh, I’m sure that’ll be a bestseller.
GEORGE: (nods) I’ll give it a good review for 20 bucks.
