Seinfeld Script

[Opening monologue]

Jerry: The life expectancy now is 72, I think, for men. Seventy-five or six or something for women. It's amazing to think that a couple thousand years ago... life expectancy was 30. Which, in our terms, would mean you get your driver's license around 5... you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15. In your late teens, you move down to Florida. I guess that's how spring break got started. I don't know. And eventually people say things about you, like: "Well, it's amazing, he's 28, but he's still very alert. His mind is so sharp, you would think you're talking to a 2-year-old."

[At the cafe]

George: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?

Jerry: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll all be over...

George: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.

Jerry: Yeah, how about a mute?

George: A mute would be good.

Jerry: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?

George: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.

(George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.)

George: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...

Jerry: A deep, yawning chasm...

George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?

Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

(Elaine enters)

Elaine: Hey boys!

Jerry: Hey! How you doin'?

Elaine: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.

George: Start what?

Elaine: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.

George: Really.

Elaine: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel so good! I really feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.

George: Volunteer work, huh?

Jerry: What're you gonna do down there?

Elaine: Well, they say all it is, is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.

Jerry: That's what I do with him [points at George]

(George gives Jerry a look)


% Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are wondering.)

George: When did you get this idea?

Elaine: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going on and on and on about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.

Jerry: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?

George: And... and anybody can do this?

Elaine: Yup.

George: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I not be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!

Elaine: [To Jerry] What about you?

Jerry: Nah, it's not for me.

Elaine: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.

George: What kind of a person are you?

Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.

[Switch scenes to the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens office is giving out information on their volunteer cases.]

Agency Rep: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.

George: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.

Agency Rep: Good luck.

Jerry: Thank you.

[The rep leaves]

George: Hey, what's your guy's name again?

Jerry: Fields. Sidney Fields. 87 years old. 87. How about your guy?

George: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?

Jerry: We? No.

[Kramer enters]

Kramer: So what's up, Diggity Dog?

Jerry: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.

Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.

Jerry: What're you talkin' about?

Kramer: Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you!

Jerry: What?

Kramer: It's a con. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh yeah.

Jerry: Where do you get this?

Kramer: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.

[A commotion is heard going on outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on his door.]

Newman: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?

Kramer: I'm in here. C'mon...

Jerry: Hello, Newman...

Newman: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?

Kramer: Well--

Jerry: What records?

Kramer: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.

Newman: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!

Kramer: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around-- Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.

George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?

Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.

George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Newman: Sometimes...

Jerry: Why is that?

Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!!!

[Switch scenes to the used rocerd store]

Ron: I'll give you five bucks.

Kramer: Five bucks???

Newman: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?

Ron: Yeah, I do... Five dollars.

Newman: Those records are worth more than five dollars!

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...

Newman: You're gyppin' us!

Ron: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes... now come on...

Kramer: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.

Newman: They follow him like a cult.

Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America...

Ron: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...

Newman: I don't like it.

Ron: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.

Newman: Alright, well be back... jack!

{switch to the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper answers the door.]

Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.

Housekeeper: Agency?

Jerry: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?

Housekeeper: Sid Fields.

[The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting.]

Sid: What the Hell is it?

Jerry: Mr. Fields?

Sid: What!?!

Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.

Sid: Agency? What agency? The CIA?

Jerry: No, no, the--

Sid: Who let you in here?

Jerry: The woman, she--

Sid: Oh her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...

Jerry: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.

Sid: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to kill me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!?

Jerry: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm-- (He hands a card to Sid Fields)

Sid: I can't read that you fool...

[Jerry notices a pile of old records nearby]

Jerry: What's all this stuff?

Sid: Trash. Garbage.

Jerry: You're throwin' this out??

Sid: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.

Jerry: You don't want any of this?

Sid: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, Ein-stein.

Jerry: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.

Sid: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.

Jerry: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...

Sid: With you? I'd rather be dead.

Jerry: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.

Sid: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!

[At Monk's Cafe, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup]

Ben: No, I feel great for 85.

George: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.

Ben: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.

George: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...

Ben: I'm grateful for every moment I have.

George: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're so close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...

Ben: I guess I just don't care.

George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any\ sense?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!

[Ben gets up to leave]

George: Wait a second, where are you going?

Ben: Life's too short to waste on you.

George: Wait a minute, please--

Ben: Get out of my way...

George: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...

[Cut to Elaine entering a very dark apartment]

Elaine: Mrs. Oliver?

Mrs. Oliver: Yes my dear.

Elaine: Ooh!

Mrs. Oliver: What's the trouble? Are you alright?

Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Mrs. Oliver: It's my goiter, isn't it?

Elaine: Did you say goiter? What goiter?

Mrs. Oliver: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.

Elaine: Oh, that goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...

Mrs. Oliver: Does it bother you?

Elaine: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.

[Later at Jerry's apartment]

Jerry: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...

Elaine: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.

Jerry: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.

Elaine: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.

Jerry: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.

Elaine: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?

George: I don't think it's gonna work out...

Jerry: Whattya mean?

George: He fired me.

Jerry: He fired you?!?

Elaine: How do you get fired from a volunteer job?

George: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!

Jerry: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.

Elaine: I wish I could quit...

Jerry: So quit!

George: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.

[Kramer and Newman enter]

Kramer: Well, here's your albums.

Jerry: What happened?

Newman: Five dollars. He offered us five dollars.

Kramer: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You embarrassed me at that store.

Newman: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.

Jerry: Oh yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes...

Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!

Jerry: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...

Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??

Jerry: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.

Kramer Okay...

Newman: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!

Kramer: Yeah...

Jerry: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.

Kramer: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.

Jerry: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...

[George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch]

George: Senegal?

[At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put away some groceries]

George: So you don't speak any English at all?

Housekeeper: English? No.

Sid: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?

Jerry: Well you said they could come and take the records.

Sid: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.

George: You don't speak any English?

Housekeeper: No English.

George: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.

[The housekeeper has no reaction]

George: You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!

Jerry: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--

Sid: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.

Kramer: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...

Sid: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...

Kramer: Oooow! He's biting me!

[Kramer rips his arm away from Sid's jaws and something flies away...]

Sid: My teeth! My teeth!

Jerry: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!

George: I thought I saw something fly over here...

Jerry: Well turn the light on...

[George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink...]

Jerry: That's the garbage disposal!

Sid: My teeth! You idiots!!!


[Scene switches to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting]

Mrs. Oliver: And we would take long automobile trips--

Elaine: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...

Mrs. Oliver: Staring out the window--

Elaine: Uh huh...

Mrs. Oliver: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--

Elaine: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...

Mrs. Oliver: Big, roaming cows--

Elaine: Cows, well that's fascinating...

Mrs. Oliver: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.

Elaine: What?

Mrs. Oliver: Mohandas.

Elaine: Ghandhi?

Mrs. Oliver: Oh, the passion. The forbidden pleasure--

Elaine: You had an affair with Ghandhi?

Mrs. Oliver: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]

Elaine: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?

[Switch to the used record store]

Ron: Twenty bucks.

Newman: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?

Ron: Well, take it or leave it.

Newman: Take it or leave it!? We got Al Jolson here, Al Jolson!!

Ron: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...

Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.

Ron: Pardon me?

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...

Newman: A piece of crap.

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...

Newman: I find you extremely ugly.

Ron: Do you?

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...

Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.

Ron: Oh, is that right?

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I loathe you...

Newman: I loathe you.

Ron: That's it. Get out of my store!

Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Make us.

Newman: Make us!

Ron: Oh, I'll make you!

[Cut to Jerry's apartment where it seems he is being lectured...]

Agency Rep: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single-handedly destroyed our reputation.

Jerry: Yes, but--

[intercom buzzes]

Jerry: [Into intercom] Yes?

Tim: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.

Jerry: Alright, c'mon up.

Jerry: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.

Agency Rep: Why were you taking him to the dentist?

Jerry: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--

Agency Rep: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?

Jerry: Well, after he bit my friend--

Agency Rep: Bit your friend?!

[Tim enters the apartment]

Tim: What the Hell is going on here? How do you lose a human being?!

Jerry: I, I'm sorry.

Tim: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?

Jerry: Well, I brought them up there to take his records--

Tim: Take his records? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?

[Kramer and Newman enter the apartment]

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: There you are. Did you find him?

Kramer: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to screw us so we got in a fight.

Newman: It was a real melee.

Kramer: Yeah, a real brouhaha...Yeah, a real brouhaha.

Newman: Then all the records broke.

Tim: The records? My father's records?

Agency Rep: Did anybody try and call him?

Jerry: Yeah, I called, but there's no answer.

Agency Rep: Well, the line's busy now.

Tim: The line's busy. He must be home.

[They all rush away to the apartment to see if they can find Sid Fields.]


[When they open the apartment door they find a shirtless George sitting on the couch with the housekeeper rubbing oil on his bald head...]

George: We... we couldn't find him.


[The two elderly men are meeting for coffee]

Ben: What the hell's the point?

Sid Fields: When you like them, they don't like you... and when they like you, you don't like them.

Ben: Oh, you don't know what you want. You should see a psychiatrist.

Sid Fields: I got fixed up last week.

Ben: I never would get fixed up.

Sid Fields: I go to pick her up, and she opens the door... and she's got this huge goiter growing out of the side of her neck. Looked like a football.

Ben: What did you do?

Sid Fields: Well, we get to talking... and as it turns out, the woman knew Gandhi. We talked for hours.

Ben: Well, are you gonna see her again?

Sid Fields: We were getting along real good... and then she made some tea. Put some milk in it without asking me. Now, that's a turnoff.

Ben: You don't need that.


[Jerry is on stage]

Jerry: The thing about old people... is everything about them gets smaller. You know, their bodies get smaller. They move into smaller places. They sleep less time, they eat smaller meals. Except the car. The older they get, the bigger their car gets. I've never understood that.

Jerry: Old people have a way of backing out of the driveway. Know what I mean? They don't turn side to side. They just go, "I'm old.
I've been waiting a long time. I'm backing it out. " You know? "I'm coming back. Watch out. I'm coming," you know. And you've gotta watch out for them.

Jerry: And then once they get out there they drive so slowly. I would think the less time you have in life... the faster you would wanna go. I think old people should be allowed to drive their age. If you're 80, do 80. If you're 100, go 100. They can't see where they're going anyway, let them have fun out there.